I think I have some sort of eating disorder (TW)

[helpwithbingeing]

It’s become very apparent with lockdown that something isn’t right with my eating and relationship with food . I’m 21 stone, BMI 42, dress size 24/26, I’ve been overweight for a very very long time - since I was 5 . I’m 30 next year .

I started eating the day my father left (in a traumatic way, it wasn’t done pleasantly) ... I remember we had Easter eggs on the shelf that day and I remember that made me feel good for the first time in days .

I got fat and I started to get bullied a lot . Then I was sexually assaulted a few times in school and lots of problems at home .
Lots of unhappiness .

I couldn’t stop eating - my only sort of pleasure or hobby has always been food . I used to steal it even from mums cupboards . My mums answer to a bad day was always food ... She took an OD when I was 8 - or they told me she did - and I was given a mars bar to make me feel better .

I got help at 16 from school nurse, by that stage I was 14 stone 7, and I lost 3 stone or so ... then school nurse left her job . I was 21 before someone else tried to help and by that point pretty unwell with MH stuff .

Regained all the weight over the years and I’ve never consistently lost since . Once when I was 18 or so, and once when I was about 25 . Gained more back each time .

I started doing weight loss through calorie counting and Fitbit steps back in January and lost 1 1/2 stone . I’ve somehow maintained that but with all this corona I’m very much indoors again, so so angry with myself and absolutely terrified that I’m going to die one way or another . GP has told me that at a size 26 they’d struggle to help me if I needed ITU care - so in desperation I’m falling back into old habits .

The panic buying has also triggered me hugely - I’m finding myself scared that we’ll run out of food, so over buying, and panicking a lot about it. Then bingeing on what we have . I don’t make myself sick - just stuff myself til I’m breathless .

I’ve never discussed things with anyone really . I’ve talked about aspects of my childhood to a couple of people but there’s other stuff I’ve never felt able to discuss . Never talked about my weight . I find myself physically repulsive - I needed a breast examination once and couldn’t proceed until the doctor gave me a towel to cover my belly with .

I know it’s my head that’s the problem ... but right now all I can think is, I’m so fat that someone else has to get my prescriptions for me . I’ve broken the toilet seat tonight - just cracked under me - and I’m at total rock bottom .

Where do I go from here? I haven’t anyone in real life I feel comfortable talking to really . I don’t know how to make the change when so much feels uncertain and scary just now .

Hi,
So sorry to hear about what you've been going through. That sounds really tough.
I am in Ireland and we have a support organisation for people with eating disorders called Bodywhys www.bodywhys.ie I am wondering if there might be something similar in the UK.
I know you feel so low at the moment. I hope your post will be your first step to finding yourself again.
X

Sorry that you are feeling so low right now but you have taken the very brave first step of talking about it and that takes incredible strength as these things often thrive on secrecy.

You mention eating until you feel breathless, have you considered that you may have some type of Binge Eating Disorder? It is impossible to diagnose any eating disorder over a forum wall but it does sound as if you have some disordered eating patterns and there is lots of help and support for this, you are not alone.

Many people with eating disorders are finding this period hard, for reasons you mention, bulk buying etc coupled with a feeling of lack of control. Have you looked at any of the resources or help available at Beat? You have done incredibly well to talk about it here, would you feel able to talk to your doctor about it?

Food can become such a massive part of our lives but anyone who has been through any type of disordered eating or ED will completely sympathise with you and there is help available. You are not repulsive, you are a strong individual who has done well to get this far after so much early trauma. You will get there, please try to be kind to yourself.

Hello help, you’ve had a really rough time, I’m so sorry.

What really jumped out at me was when your dad left you reached for the Easter eggs that were around, and eating them made you feel better. So you e now set up a pathway whereby food is a way of taking away pain. Except of course it doesn’t work anymore.

I would strongly suggest NLP. Neuro Linguistic Programming. It does work.
Please do not go NEAR any club or organisation that tell you which foods are good and which bad, and what you can and can’t eat. You need to associate food with fuel, and little else.

Please try NLP. I’ve nothing to gain by recommending it.
It’s really hard to read your story. It’s so sad.

How are you feeling today help?

Oh do try OA. You'll meet your people there

Food addiction is a very real eating disorder and so difficult to live with, because you cannot avoid the substance you are addicted to, you have to rely on strategies to make good choices about the substance. I don't have any answers but I hope you find the support you are looking for.

Thanks so much , it has helped a wee bit just to write it all out . I’ve had therapy several times and not sure why I’ve never found the confidence to talk about my weight with them .

We got a Tesco shop this morning ... quite a difficult decision made not to order any biscuits, cakes, sweets, etc . Instead plenty of fresh veg and fruit . That’s been very hard all day but knowing there’s no other way of getting chocolate might help .

I’ve battled the same before but it was codeine . I came off codeine totally in January - and now I’m in the (very good) position of absolutely not being able to take any , as can’t get out to get it . So I’m hoping trying to do the same with my binge foods might work .

Will definitely look up BEAT and NLP as well - have heard of both before .

I’m just desperate to feel better about myself in some way, or to be able to feel fitter - I’m always so tired .

Thank you so much for listening though ... it has definitely helped writing it all down a bit . Just realising how much emotion there is behind it all . I’m wishing I could talk to someone in r/l but that’s not so simple just now I guess . GP surgery said they’re not handling routine queries at all, they’re reviewing my antidepressants but only once a month or so - won’t be due for that again until about 20th May .

Assuming you’re in the UK OP, please check out the support offered by Beat eating disorders. A PP recommended OA as well; & you could try requesting IAPT services for some short-term MH support. What you describe is certainly disordered eating - as a PP said we can’t really say on here it’s an ED as that’s a clinical diagnosis.

Unfortunately not all Eating Disorders Services treat patients with BED (should you be diagnosed with that). There isn’t the funding. Please don’t ever think that means the problem isn’t just as real & important as other forms of eating disorder. It's something that STILL gets said far too often. Gah.

Be gentle with yourself