Sexless Marriages

[MerlinTheWizard]

Just that really! I’m in a sexless marriage and haven’t had sex since dd2 was conceived over 3 years ago. Husband isn’t interested... never given me an honest reason why... just tired with kids, stressed with work or not feeling so great in his body. Have gotten to the point I can’t even mention it anymore let alone talk about it. He gets in a strop and makes me feel stupid for bringing it up yet again. So I can’t talk about it, have to supress any desires I have and just... well, I just don’t know what to do. I can’t be the only one in this situation. I feel so sad, depressed, unattractive and miss the intimacy so much. We rarely cuddle and not even kissed in years! I can’t leave as I have young kids. In mid 40s so feel like I can’t start again. Who’d want me!? How do you cope if you are in my shoes?

I think you need to have it out with him and say listen I know you don’t want sex but I feel unloved entirely as you also don’t kiss or hug or anything really, I didn’t envision having a platonic live in friend in the house. Can you at least kiss and I won’t take it like it’s leading anywhere unless you say it is? Then see at least if he ups the minor intimacy. I think it needs up be a slowly slowly sadly as it’s not like you can seduce him with young kids in the house and just you two for care.

Sound him out about having a bit on the side? Why should you shut up shop just because he has put the shutters up. Might force him to be a bit more proactive.

Agree with the above. Sexless marriages only work if both parties are happy with it and get enough satisfaction from other aspects.

Could you raise the issue about an open relationship or leaving?

One thing I will say is that there isn't much less embarrassing than talking about it, the partner saying ok let's do it and yorealising half way through that it's just like any other chore for them.

You could start again. You aren't too old. How would you feel if your child was in a relationship like this? What would you advise them?

I am in your shoes. I've NC.

15 years in and I have become desensitised almost.

My husband is impotent. I knew this before we married, but he was kind and I thought he would 'overcome' it after Relate sexual counselling, Viagra and other tricks. The moment his penis enters my vagina he goes soft.

I have never had proper sex with him. We have two kids (twins) conceived by me basically using my hand to get him so far and then moving from hand to inside me quickly at the point of ejaculation.

Do not make my mistake please. We have no sexual contact, no intimacy, nothing.

I had a healthy sex life until I met him at 31, now I have been celibate for 15 years and I feel like part of me is missing.

I am waiting for my children to leave school in 2 years. I should have left at the start, or found somebody.

I've wasted my years. I miss sex so much, but know it's not possible with him and push it to the back of my mind. At first in the early days I would get so upset and angry. Now I'm numb. The lack of any affection is even worse.

I know it's not just me, he was like this with all women. He's never had proper sex and doesn't know what he's missing. I envy that.

Nobody is forcing me to stay or remain faithful, but having a bit on the side isn't my scene.

I always thought leaving once my kids were older would be easier. Two years of no sex becomes five, becomes a decade. Maybe you'll be different, but I've squandered my best years.

OP, I feel so unattractive too. I have low self esteem and have gained weight.

This is a far cry from the confident me of my teens and 20s, who was attractive, slim and had many boyfriends/lovers, with a great sex life as an independent singleton.

It ebbs away at you that your husband does not find you desirable.

What is the rest of your relationship like? - do you have shared interests, shared humour, shared outings etc.? Does he remember your birthday, send a Valentine card? Does he play with the children or plan holidays with you?

In other words do you have a relationship at all? Is everything else OK but for the sex?

I left, I've never been happier. Once he was no longer my friend there was nothing left and I was miserable.
He only wanted children, once I didn't want anymore children he wasn't interested anymore. It was not what I signed up for.

That's really important Mis

I could have coped better if we got on, if we were friends, if there was something.

Still, years and years of enforced celibacy has certainly made me bitter and yearning for what I don't have. Maybe would have been better if I hadn't had such an active sex life when I was younger!

I'm 46 OP and like you, worry I'm too old. The current CV situation has made me reasses my life and I want to have sex again during my lifetime.

@ANewPersona That is awful and has made me feel so upset 😰

It’s so easy to think I should move on... but to do, a completely different matter.

One thing though, you know the reason. I have to assume the reasons as he won’t tell me properly. And I have gone through the whole it must be me, not attractive enough, not good enough & when I brought it up, it became the way I talked, so he couldn’t talk to me when I’m beinf like that...etc. It’s hard not to get emotional about something that is emotional. So in the end, have just shut up. The more I think about it, the worthless I feel. I’m not even worth a reason it seems?!

I'm sorry OP. My situation is extreme and you can see I'm very hurt and bitter, but it's my fault as I should have left an unhealthy marriage anyway. You are not at this point (I can't be bothered to try now) so please listen to other advice too.

I think both of us are just waiting for the children to finish school. There was always some milestone - i.e. wait until we move, I turn 40, or they finish junior school etc.

DH was willing to try everything at the beginning, but he just physically can't maintain an erection inside my body.

We never talk about it. We never got to the bottom of it with Relate either.

There could be hope for you though, but talking really is everything - could you suggest counselling? So hard when they shut down though.

I used to feel like I was predatory for trying to instigate sexual contact (with my own DH!). He was so deeply uncomfortable.

You are not worthless

@Mischance we are still friends I guess but more like house mates. We get little time to ourselves with the kids and work and very often just go through the motions of getting things done throughout the day that need to be done. We do sometimes get into watching a series on Netflix after the kids have gone to bed & will have a glass of wine. That time could be spent on us instead but he’ll never initiate. I don’t either anymore. I can’t take the rejection tbh so try not to think about it. It’s got to a point that I can’t naturally just hold his hand or hug him. He is a good dad. We’ve not been on a proper family holiday in a long time & the last time we did a uk one, there was still no sex. So even when there is no work & you’re more relaxed, it doesn’t happen.

Get out and move on, as quickly as possible. You have just one life and you're wasting it. Being single is better than this hell.

It sounds pretty extreme for you but I am also in a virtually sexless relationship, he has to have had quite a lot to drink for anything to happen. It used to bother me a lot and I wondered what was wrong with me or if there was something else going on but we have 3 kids now and generally I'm not that interested anymore either. What does really bother me is the lack of general affection - no hugs, kisses or snuggling up on the sofa. He insists it's just the way he is and it's nothing personal but I can't help feel that it is. We get on pretty well and he is great with the kids but I really crave affection and worry about whether I can spend the rest of my life like this.

I have a similar sort of situation
I'm afraid a strayed from the moral high ground in the past, in frustration and probably some anger
to my relief I have a much lower sex drive now that I'm older

@MerlinTheWizard I went though every single one of those emotions and thinking it was me.
Now I'm out the other side I can see he's asexual and just wouldn't admit it. We talked about it so many times, he'd make an effort and sometimes that was worse, as it didn't feel natural.

It took me years to decide I wanted more. But in those years I resented him for various reasons not just no sex and he resented me for not being the housewife/mum he wanted for a wife. It was awful in the end.

I'm bloody glad I kept my career.

I’ve NC for this too. No useful answers, but I wanted to empathise with you as I’m in the same situation - over 3 years now. It’s destroyed my confidence and my happiness and left me utterly bereft. My DH has always had a lower sex drive than me, is quite shy and rarely initiated, but was always very enthusiastic if I did. But he I think had a MLC a few years ago and since then, nothing. We are also like housemates. I think he might be depressed, but he is very reluctant to talk about anything and certainly won’t go to any counselling. Most of the affection has also gone too - there’s certainly none of the spontaneous hugging and kissing we used to have. I’m just so sad and lonely!
I identified so hard with what ANew said about feeling like a predator/pervert if you suggest sex - which I barely bother to do any more. I just can’t handle the constant feeling of rejection. I’m only early 40s and feel as though my life is being wasted... I want to leave, but I haven’t been able to go through with it yet, like you @MerlinTheWizard It wears you down and does leave you feeling powerless and worthless, doesn’t it.

There is nothing that would persuade me to stay in a sexless relationship or marriage.

Too much emphasis is made on penetration alone though. Even if there are health issues everybody has a tongue in their head.

I’m on the other side of this, I’m the one who has no libido. And when I say none, I mean it. Any kind of physical contact other than hugs makes me panic. It’s really horrible for me, and for my DH.

In my case we know why - it was triggered a side effect of a medication I was a very long time ago and it never properly came back. It seems to be a hormonal issue but tests don’t reveal much. You name it, I’ve tried it. I’ve tried to get doctors to listen for years and they aren’t interested.

Weirdly it sometimes comes back, just switches back on, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a couple of weeks. At the moment it comes back mid cycle for a week and then goes again until the next month which is certainly better than the years of nothing I’ve had in the past.

The big difference is that we do talk about it and DH does know that I’ve been trying as much as I can to fix it. I don’t want to be like this and I don’t want him to be so unhappy. It has still caused huge issues in the past but we are still together and have a very strong relationship.

I think it’s very unfair of him and other partners not to discuss it and not seek help for it. It’s not necessarily something they can fix themselves and nor should anyone be forced into sex they don’t want, but if don’t care enough about the distress it’s causing their partner to at least try to establish the problem then I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship.