Feeling like you’ve lost your self..

[Fwhi2018]

Hi I thought I’d come on here to see if am the only one feeling like this.

I have 2 year old I.d girl twins, I had them in my early 20’s and have been in my relationship since I was 17 and for 8 years. Before the girls our relationship was absolutely fine we was able to do what we want, I was able to just go for my tea or night out with friends he was able to go for drinks after work without any thoughts. I feel now since having the girls my thoughts and what I can do have completely changed but his not! He still goes out after work for drinks because he can and not have the thought of the girls, he can go the shop without the girls crying for him to come back and without him worrying have they stopped crying and are they ok(even though your around the corner) My thought to EVERY single thing is about the girls first never me, I dont think I ever do really think of my self. Now I know am there mum and they depend on me all the time even when dads home and I don’t mind it because I am usually doing it anyways but some how I do think I have lost myself somewhere. I never look to give my self credit and I know having a child/children your life isn’t going to be the same as before and I wouldn’t change it I do love them and I do love being there mamma, but where do I get the break? And when I bring it up there’s just a argument to poor you and get the violin out. Since being in lockdown he has been out a number of times a week on his bike for hours or so and me not bat a eyelid, I say am going to do something just to get a little break or have my own thoughts and there’s why? just leave doing that or that doesn’t need doing or you said we was gonna do this.. I just want to take my self away and think for my self and listen to music.

How do you get your time and is your partner up for you keeping your self away for hour or so?..

I wish I had useful advice, but I'm literally here to say I feel much the same way. My husband does most of the cooking, so will always use this as a counter-argument if I try to bring this to attention, but he just doesn't have the same weight of responsibility that I do. We have three kids, and I feel like my own life disappeared a long time ago. I adore my children and wouldn't change being a mum, but I can't remember the last time I just relaxed, enjoyed myself and thought of only me for a bit. If husband wants to go out, he just does. If I wanted to? It's 'I can go to the shop for you instead' or 'why does that need doing today?' I'm just exhausted by things and lockdown certainly is magnifying that. I hope you find things easier soon and I think the current situation is making things seem even harder for many.

I'm really sorry you feel that way, just reading through the lines, it sounds dreadful... some people are just a peace of work.

Do you feel that you're so protective that he just never understood it is his responsibility as well? are you able to say "hey I need to go out, here are the girls, you'll need to feed them at this time and do this and that, I'll be back at bla"? When he returns from his outing, what's stopping you from saying, ok your turn to take care of the girls? I feel like you've allowed him to decide what you can and can't do, and its not clear to me whether you're scared of him, or just feeling weak?

I'm asking these questions because you've left these open ended

Why can you just go out? I tell dp in advance I'm going out and out I go. He's dps son too and he can look after him I'm firm about it.
I'm going away for a weekend with my friend end of the year and dp knows he has our son alone. He will cope.
Equally he went away for a boys weekend and it was fine.

I think some of what you say is totally natural when you become a parent especially of young children. Yes you do lose a sense of self and yes you do usually put your children’s needs first.
However that should not mean that you can’t have time for yourself along the way and this naturally will increase as they become less dependant for every need.
Your problem is your husband he does not appreciate the level of responsibility you are bearing and is continuing most of his life as pre children.
How you deal with this will set the bar for many years so you may need to really have that strong conversation now. Are you a team ? Ask him if he feels it’s fair that he gets his time to have leisure activities and you don’t. Work out a fair timetable so he goes off for 2 hours one day you get to go a walk and read for 2 hours the next.
It’s hard at the moment as you can’t go anywhere but really you need to leave the house otherwise you will be on hand.
If he doesn’t seem to want to agree to this or understand you I don’t think he’s a very good man.

So in the past when they were first born he would have a Tuesday off in his business and mind the girls whilst I went to work. As months went on he opened another business and then needed to be working that day and the girls went to nursery 1 day and I then changed my working day to then and grandparents had one weekend each. Now it’s just the norm for me to be with them every day every minute, I feel like if I do start saying you have two hours I have two hours it’s a but tif for tat. I don’t want to be saying ok well 2 hours now I want it to just be neutral for me to have it. I don’t know if it’s fell into this due to me and me just kinda going along with things because I just think they are mine and am the one who knows them best, but since last year and I went away he has not had them for a whole day. I would honestly feel a little nervous to literally wake up one day and say ok am going out all day you have the girls, he is a brilliant dad with them always playing and stuff but I secretly think he craps his self having them on his own aswell, I can see him always looking at me to back him with the girls and he has mentioned this saying recently ‘mammas the rock of the family, but am the boss’ and although I do think am the rock I want it to be both of us. Do us mother’s just take the role on a lot more and that’s we’re somewhere we loose our selves? All been very helpful so Thankyou

I think you need to give him time with them. He won't cope unless he has too and he needs to know how they are his babies too.
I stopped worrying now and I'll go away for a night to see friends and leave dp with our little one. It makes me a better mom to have a rest

Yes I do think having my own time I would appreciate our family unit more and not feel like everything is on me. Maybe once lockdowns done get out there and arrange to find my self again. Thanks 🤗

@Fwhi2018 it is pretty evident that u dont trust him to keep the girls. He will never have confidence if u dont make him practice. It also wont come natural to h to walk out of the door every day for two hours if u sit and wait for approval, u just need to get on with it and walk out of the door.
you are shaping how their future interaction with their dad might look like, and its not good to see them attached to u and not him. Give them both the chance to develop a strong bond without u being there, u have to trust him and let him get on with it. Dont delay until end of lockdown, he has more time to get used to it noe, than if he needs to be out 5days a week

I do trust him with them, he has had them whilst ave been away in there first year and use to have them one day a week, it’s just when he’s had them he eirther says oh they were a nightmare to get down, or he’ll ring me and be like they’ve been sick everywhere for me to come home or something to say so it’s not me I think it’s more him if he wanted to spend the hour or 2 with them he knows I would be skipping out the door he just doesn’t say it or make it work, he’s rather go out and spend that hour or so on him own in his own company.