Sperm donor? Adoption? Or......

[LockdownLiquidLunch]

.......just be thankful for what we have?

First of all, I know nobody can tell us what to do and only we know the answer, but honestly, this decision is driving me crazy and I just can't seem to move forward, so could really just do with some outside advice.

My wife and I were pretty much dead set on sperm donation and were due to start the process this year. We are early to mid 30's and so we wanted to get a move on.

I already have a DD from a previous relationship, who has just turned 13, so there would be a big age gap. She does herself worry about this, so that's definitely something we have taken into consideration, although ultimately, this does have to be our decision.

However, after trying desperately to get our heads around the somewhat, unusual reality, that our baby will share 50% of their genetics with a stranger, (a stranger we will be incredibly grateful to, of course!) we started to really struggle and wondered if perhaps adoption was a better route for us.

If we did adopt, we would be happy to adopt an older child - perhaps siblings, but would not consider adopting a child with severe special and complex needs, as it wouldn't be fair on my DD who will soon be starting her GCSEs. As terrible as I would feel saying this, we do need to be honest and do what is best for our family, as well as the child.

Another benefit of adopting an older child would be that our adopted DC and my DD would be closer in age and my DD would be very happy about this. That's not the only reason we would be looking at adopting an older child though.

However, we do worry about how much negative reporting there seems to be around adoption. I have read so many horror stories of people's lives being torn apart. I actually did know one personally, so I would by lying if I didn't say this is a big concern for both of us.

The other option is, I suppose, keeping the status quo. My DD is finally doing well - this has been a bit of an uphill struggle to get to this stage. DW and I are in a good place, we are financially stable and enjoying having more disposable income etc. But then actually all of those positives could also be reasons we should go ahead and have another DC, one way or another.

Another positive of staying as 3, would be having more freedom I suppose. It won't be too long before DW and I aren't tied by school dates etc and that is certainly a nice thought. Oh and sleep How could I forget sleep?!

We are happy as 3, but I can't deny, something is missing and I ask myself a lot, if we decide not to go down either route, could that void be filled in another way? I.e, a new career or just generally throwing myself into something that I'm really passionate about. Something I've not done for a long time.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on, so will leave it there for now, but I would really appreciate your thoughts and maybe experiences, if you can relate in any way.

TIA

Is your 13 year old DD your wife's child or just yours? What does your DW think? She might want a genetic child of her own? Are you a same sex couple (as in donor sperm always on the cards)?
I would be very wary of adoption, friends of mine went on an info evening with Barnardos (I think) who well and truly put them right off.

Sorry, I guess should have clarified. Yes - same sex couple and DD is mine from previous relationship.

Stay just the three of you.

Go to an adoption meeting at a local authority. Do not underestimate the frustration of the approval process, matching process, plus the issues older children have. Both my kids are adopted and when we adopted my second I was very concerned about the effect on my first. You sound very naive about adoption I’m afraid and you need to get clued up before you can make a final decision on this. Good luck

Go onto the Adoption board.
Go to an LA 'information session'.

We adopted a sibling pair aged 8 and 2. At just 8 our eldest was getting towards the top of age range of 'adoptable'. Generally those much older than this tend to be in long term foster care due to level of attachment to birth family or other reasons.

With an older child you can see physical / learning issues more clearly, but they have more 'background'. Background isn't necessarily a bad thing though, as they might understand why they need adopting better. Also sometimes an older child had better initial parenting which only fell apart later.

With a younger child you have more early input, but issues might not yet be apparent. Plus the trauma of being separated from their primary carer at a younger age can still have a long term impact.

We actually had a relatively 'trouble free' time with both ours until they hit the age of 16.

Adoption is hard but we chose it over sperm donation.
For us, I felt my DH would struggle to bond with a child I was carrying that wasn't his. With adoption we were on a more even keel if that makes sense.
If you do adopt, it sounds like a school age child would work well for you and this also means you are more likely to be matched as unfortunatley, most people want babies and toddlers, and SS try very hard to keep children at home before removing them, which means there are more school aged children in the system.
The process is long and hard but totally worth it. I too knew of a few people who had had bad experiences adopting but we weren't put off. Yes many adoptions are hard work, but if you go in with your eyes wide open, you will have a better chance of navigating your way.
Do some reading around and see how you feel.

Im an adoptive mum, he was 8 when he came to me. I've read both your threads and the main thing that jumps out at me is your daughter.

You say she is finally in a good place, but its been a struggle, she is 13 and going into her GCSEs.

Honestly, if you want to adopt, wait till she has done her exams. Children are having their education disrupted on an unprecedented level in peacetime, not to mention any other anxieties she may have about the current situation. GCSEs are hell. My son would have taken his this may if they hadnt been cancelled. He is a hard worker who attends a brilliant, supportive school with amazing teachers. Its still been extremely stressful.
Don't pile on the additional stress of potentially introducing a stranger into her life, during an already difficult time.
Its absolutely fine to put the needs of your existing child and family first. There are some adopters who are willing to adopt children with complex medical needs, personally I wanted to be a mum, not a nurse. Its OK to say that.
However, when you get on to complex needs its much more difficult. Many children's difficulties do not come to light until they start school or nursery. Many children behave very differently in foster care than they do in their adoptive homes. Once my son had his adoption order in his hands, he started to feel secure, he 'relaxed' and then all his trauma started coming out. He has autism and a learning difficulty but thats a doddle compared to two years of therapy - that nearly broke me.
A social worker could quite truthfully present you with a 2 year old with no issues. The picture might not look the same at 5, 10 or most commonly in the teen years.
Adoption is a gamble. I don't regret it for a minute, I have an amazing son who I am immensely proud of, but its been bloody (sometimes literally!) hard work.

You have to think of adoption as providing a family for a child, not providing a child for the parents. If you are still considering sperm donation then you may not be ready to consider adoption.

I don’t know what you mean by your DD finally doing well but if you have the slightest concern about the robustness of her mental health then please do not begin the adoption process right now. You and your wife will end up consumed by the approval process and potentially the first years of settling an adoptive child at exactly the same time as she prepares for and sits her GCSEs.

Which of you would stop work to care for an adopted child?
Being bluntly honest I'd say don't rock your daughters world til she's through her exams. Adoption could be wonderful but it could be so hard on her. What if the child attacks her psychologically or physically every single day?
I'd go with the sperm donor route. And I think a lot of adoptive parents would say the same. It's not about love - loving your child by birth or adoption is so easy. It feels the same. But the parenting will be totally different.
Baby free lifestyle? No experience with that. I occasionally longingly think about it. I wouldn't have another now (even if I could). But that urge to have another child in my life was so strong I couldn't ignore it.

Thanks so much for the replies. Very much appreciated. And thank you to those who have shared their personal experiences.

Has really got me thinking. Mainly regarding my DD and the timing. I suppose I just felt like things were falling into the right place to allow us to do this, but perhaps it's more that things are just in the right place.

Saying that, I always had a desire to adopt. Even before having DD, I kind of assumed I would at some stage, because I love children and can't bear to think how many DCs are out there being neglected, abused, unloved. When I mentioned it to DW, she said she was always the same and so it felt like a bit of a light bulb moment. But yes, perhaps it's just not the time.

Don't assume that an older adoption would work well for your DD. In my family, my elder sister was adopted at 14 when my birth sister was 13 . This was assumed to be a good thing - they'd be friends, supposedly. Unfortunately it never worked out - my adoptive sister was very damaged from her previous two placements and her behaviours were always difficult. She and my birth sister loathed each other from Day 1 and it never got any better. Personally I'd never adopt after seeing how the experience tore my family apart.

@stellabelle, I'm sorry to hear that

Stay as the three of you.

@Satasunhelpfulhelper, can I ask why you think that?

I doubt a situation like stellabelle describes would happen now. Its very rare for 14 year olds to be adopted, and SWs are very insistent on adopted children being the youngest. It sounds likeva very poor decision which created havoc for everyone involved

Different circumstances but after being denied adoption a year into the process having jumped many hoops (I was told not able to know why due to data protection I'd passed but someone I knew hadn't very frustrating). I went down the doner route also not an easy process after 5 rounds I conceived Dt (now 11). They have known from the start how they were conceived, call their doner 'random dad'. The genetics have only become an issue due to medical reasons (a rare genetic disorder that wouldn't be tested for) however they are my dc and we never think about 1/2 not being my genetics. I have never regretted it. We are truly grateful for the opportunity the doner gave us. Sometimes I look at them and wonder if a certain trait is from the doner (eg they both excel at maths I don't, one of them is very extroverted and I'm not) however this isn't negative and you would wonder this with an adopted child. The old nurture vs nature debate.
I think the biggest question for me would be does your dw want a biological child? (for some this is of greater importance than others).

This might be completely inappropriate and I apologise if so but depending on the role and involvement of your DD’s father could you explore the possibility of DW adopting her as a way of legally recognising your existing family unit?

@Historyofeverything1, that must have been awful at the time. Did you ever come any closer to knowing what the reason could have been? Who it involved etc? A really happy ending though Can I ask if your DC ever wondered why they didn't have a dad? I suppose they must of done at some point, but I mean, did it ever stick? Do you think they would opt to make contact once they're 18+?

@EstebanTheMagnificent, my DDs dad has a definite role in her life (not perfect, but still), so no, that wouldn't be an option.

No I never found out why, awful at the time - but everything happens for a reason.
The Dt never asked why they didn't have a df however I had drip fed them information from being tiny and also how families come in all shapes and sizes. To Dt it's normal they have never known any different so not been an issue. Both would like to trace him when they're 18 but only to say thank you.

LockdownLiquidLunch

@Satasunhelpfulhelper, can I ask why you think that?

(Sorry I’ve forgotten how to make the text bold)

There’s a lot to be said for an easier, simple life. You’re entering the teen years with your DD. She’ll still need a lot of attention and support from you.

Also don’t underestimate how hard a big age gap is. If you started again now you’re going to have a toddler and GCSEs at the same time! Trying to keep everyone happy is hard work.

I think your DD needs to be completely onboard if you’re even going to consider it.

I have a 14 and 8 year old and that’s a stressful enough gap as it is. I also have a 14 year gap with my younger sibling. We are only starting to form a real relationship now she is 19, just something to consider.

@Santasunhelpfulhelper, yes, you do speak sense. This is why I'm so torn.

I often make my mind up to accept things the way they are and appreciate all the extra freedom, money, sleep etc, but then I see little ones, running around with their families, causing havoc, but also, so much joy and I'm right back to square one!

We ask ourselves, well.. what would we spend our money on? Material things? More holidays? Nicer cars? And what would we do with our early freedom? Be able to have a weekend lie in? Go on holiday during term time?....

What does any of that really mean? Isn't it really about family and making memories in the end?

I know there's no right or wrong answer to that and that's probably why I'm struggling so much.

If DW and I were able to create a miracle baby ourselves I suspect we would have had more than one by now. Perhaps that says something...