How often do you speak to your parents?

[GindependantWoman]

I come from a very disfunctional family. my parents are separated and have been for about 25 years. They still talk. I am more the adult and they are the immature adults/children for differing reasons. This becomes more obvious as I become older, mix with different people and have become a parent myself. I moved away for uni and never moved back. The distance between us is both the cure and the cause of a lot of issues.

I have to speak to my mum every day. It hasn't always been this way but as she has less and less to distract her, it's every day. It's been this way for two/three years. I used to call her on my forty minute drive to work and back. In the end, I said the morning was too much and I needed the me time away from everyone to listen to music and clear my head for the day. She wasn't happy but accepted it. Now if I miss a day she makes me very guilty. She even talks to me when her friends have popped round (pre covid) and I'll hear them in the background and apologise to have disturbed and she says no, I rarely speak to you. I chuckle when I hear them say "you speak to her more than any parent speaks to a child". Now that I'm working from home, she is constantly texting and occasionally calling.

My dad is only a few texts a day but again, if I don't text he gets upset. He won't text me but ensures I know I am neglecting him if I don't. He got a a mobile when I went to uni 15 years ago and because I wasn't texting him said he was going to throw the phone away etc. When I did call him, the first half of the phone call would be him in a silent petulant rage while I basically held a conversation with myself until he decided he had forgiven me and started talking. If I hadn't called he would have been worse. He is better when I call now but I can't forget that.

Is anyone else's parents like this? How do you cope? They've put me through a lot of emotional pain in the past and this is minimal and helps when the actual stresses kick off but I really can't be bothered anymore.

OP they sound very manipulative and deeply selfish.
Couple of things struck me : you say she makes you feel guilty. She doesn’t you are doing that to yourself. I am sure you know that.
You mention your Dad is in a silent petulant rage. Ignore him, hang up, don’t engage.
You need to give yourself permission to say no. They are in a pattern and it needs to be broken. If you have the technology change the ring tones/ pings etc from them to silent or something you can ignore. Then ignore that. Respond every other day , then stretch that.
Tell them that you are not going to talk to them unless they are pleasant and respectful of your time, and your independence.
My parents are no longer with us, and they were ne er like that but my DM was horrified that MIL behaves like this .She brought me up to be independent and every day I thank her for that.

Why do you say you have to speak to your mum every day OP? Is it not optional?
I had a mother who behaved like this. If I said “I’ll ring/visit tomorrow”, she’d ask what time. If I was 5 minutes late she’d been on the phone upset that I’d been involved in an accident/got run over etc.
I worked full time but her visited 3 times a week but it was never enough.
I had to stop telling her I’d a day off work as I’d get a phone call saying she wasn’t well and needed me to come up.
She’s been dead 20 years and it’s only now I’m realising she was a manipulative narcissist.

I genuinely don't think she sees herself as a narcissist at all. Her mum, my grandma, is a very nasty person at times and I wonder if some of it comes from that. She has tried to break away from some of it but somethings she simply can't help. I panic that I will do the same to my child.

Both of them see themselves as life's victims and rely on me to save them when they do whatever stupid thing they chose or happens to them.

If I ignore my dad, he moans to my mum.

My mum gives a hurt "oh" if I say I won't ring or goes completely opposite to "that's fine, I know you are really busy. Call when you can" and then texts me that day. With lockdown she is bored and lonely. She is one of those who sends one text in 6 messages too.

Yes @Dreamersandwishers, I have the opposite. DMIL never crosses any boundaries and is very respectful to both him and I. However, she has a busy life and 3 sons.

I owe them more than NC but at Christmas I did have to say to my mum I need some time not talking to you due to some stuff she did.

Its constant comparisons between my family and DPs that make me realise how strangely I've been bought up.

Sorry OP your post touched a nerve with me and I was maybe a little OTT with my response.
I’m probably not the best person to be giving advice it’s just like you my upbringing was pretty disfunctional too.

From I was no age I was the parent and my parents the children needing constant looking after.
I saw my mum through alcoholism and anorexia, helped her financially and whatever I did for her was never quite enough.
Mum would often play her DCs off each other saying how she had a lovely visit from X, DC, who called once a week, Y said it was terrible she’d been let run out of milk and had Tomorrow not left you any in.

Sometimes your effort to please is what they prey on.
If mum was alive today I’d probably be advised to go NC.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time

You weren't OTT at all @Tomorrowsanewday so don't worry. I don't have siblings to do that but My mum has that done to her as she has a perfect brother with the perfect family. However, now he has cheated on his wife (my gran sees that as the wife's fault not his) she openly says both of her kids are failures. I'm sorry you went through that. Have you got a relationship with your siblings now? Did they all realise what was happening?

I have helped my parents through similar.

My mum died 11 years ago, but we would speak several times a day on the phone and see each other most days. My dad is now on his own and we speak on the phone at least once a day, more at the minute as he’s shielding and very, very bored!

Df - 1998.
Dm 2012.
No regrets...

There is a large age gap 16 years + between my oldest siblings and myself and similar aged as me DSIS.
Older siblings said we are prepared to do X amount for mum and as you and Dsis haven’t any children you have more time on your hands to see to mum.

Younger siblings marriage broke up as she gave so much attention to mum and a week after they split, mum died, but the damage was done.
In a way I’ve always been close to my siblings. We keep in regular contact and as they say bloods thicker than water.

Years later you’ll look back and think why?
In my case it was because I took seriously ‘honour thy father and thy mother’ no matter what shit they throw at you.

I speak to my mum about ten times a day, especially now the poor woman is stuck in on her own in isolation. My dad is unsociable and I never speak to him (they have been divorced years). I hope my son wants to talk to me when I'm old. Sometimes I think oh I can't be arsed to call but then I imagine how I would feel if the boot was on the other food. We are all different though and families are all different aren't they.

We talk twice a week and occasionally send a whats app. Its enough for me.

It is abundantly clear to me that my parents much prefer my sister (who is very similar to my mum). I'm in my late 40's, but still feel that I'm not good enough and that I should have done more to make them proud of me.