How do you get your child to do what you tell them?

[Lovingmylife]

I've seen several threads lately where posters comment that as the parent, your child should do as you say and I agree. But my 8 year old won't. He keeps weeing all over the toilet seat. Then refuses to clear it up. We have big battles over it but it happens every day and is really quite exhausting. Other things are a battle as well. Washing his hands after the toilet, doing certain school work etc. I just don't know if I've just gone wrong with my parenting with DH, or if there is some sort of Sen there, or what. So please give me your tips for getting your kids to do what you ask or how you dish out consequences etc. He is so helpful in so many ways e.g dishes, washing machine, tidying his room etc so I just don't understand this.

If he helps with dishes could he perhaps think that weeing is ‘dirty’ and tries to dissociate from it? Not lifting the seat...maybe doesn’t want to touch it? If he’s wearing everywhere maybe he’s not holding his will to aim it? Not wanting to wipe up afterwards? Again maybe thinks were is ‘dirty’ maybe doesn’t want to wash as feels the taps are dirty after other people touching them after they’ve been? And figures if he’s not touched anything he doesn’t need to wash? Maybe an association with poo going on there? Just a thought

• weeing not wearing
• willy not will

Op, when he refused to do as you ask, what were the consequences? were

There's difference advice for parents of children who do not care about the consequences they are given, and those who are not given any. It is important to know which your child falls into. in

What are the consequences for his poor behaviour?
Do you ever make threats you don't follow through?

could he sit down to wee?

I brought my ds back to clean up every single time
I'm not sure it helped though or whether he just grew out of it. I did also ask him if he needed a trip to the doctor if he couldn't aim ( he was probably 10 by then) I also asked him to sit down if he couldn't aim

Threats and bribes. Same as everyone else 🤭

Consequences.

If they have toys or privileges removed for a short while they learn. Explain what the consequences will be and follow through. Never threaten something you aren't prepared to follow through with.

Your dh needs to give him the 'boys and men and how to wee properly without pissing all over the seat' talk.

Could you have a list of expectations, and if he doesn’t meet them, he has no console/phone/WiFi the next day?

We have a sign, 'STOOD UP? SEAT UP!'

Aside from that, I do not have compliant children.

Get some nail varnish and paint a target inside the loo for him to aim at, little boys are pretty bad at aiming. Leave the toilet seat up as well.

Wash your hands you get a sweet/lolly/strawberry/whatever

As a general rule I don't battle my kids. 99% of the time I explain why they need to do something and support them to do it (so help them wash their hands, help them clean the loo etc.)

It's often the battle itself that entices a lot of kid to misbehave. If they don't get a frustrated reaction from you there's little reward for them.

Occasionally I'll simply put my foot down but it's quite rare so there's no pushback. Having said that I have two compliant girls (13 and 9) so I probably am just lucky but I used to be a secondary teacher in a fairy tough inner London school so the ideas stem from that (don't lock horns).

Make him clean up every time he wees on the seat.
If he doesn’t clean up, he doesn’t get game time, or what ever it is that he enjoys for the next 24 hours.

If he misses out on PlayStation time or football in the garden, or watching tv or reading his favourite bedtime story then he will understand that his antisocial behaviour has consequences.

He also needs to understand that stale wee soon stinks!

He really needed to learn how to use the toilet when he was younger. Isn’t there a saying about “give me the boy until 7 and I shall give you the man”. The habits he has learned are with him for a long time.

Is he too old for a reward chart with a nice reward at the end of 7 days if he either hits the toilet or cleans up after himself?

I agree with @ user1468953505 that it’s counter productive to battle though I have and do. It’s only a short term win that cultivates resentment and bites me in the ass eventually. And I usually fall into it when I’m exhausted or pre menstrual.

The strategy that I find works best is
a) talk through what you want them to do (keep it short and sweet; eg In five minutes I’m going to ask you to go upstairs and brush your teeth and you’re going to do such a good job that your smile will blind me)
b) tell them to do it (and stand there with them until they get up and go do it)
c) reiterate what they’ve done (I like that you went straight away when I asked and you did a great job on your teeth, smile, aaargghh my eyes!)

This gets great results most of the time. Even if I have to pull them up, or send them back to try again, it’s generally good humoured.

But I won’t lie. It is bloody exhausting and I don’t always feel up to being Bloody Mary Poppins. I have a child with asd who is oppositional and demand avoidant so I really can recommend this approach.

Personally I’d let the toilet one go for the moment. Get the tone of the relationship on track before tackling something like this that has an element of shame in it.

He cannot have his game, phone and must just sit on the bottom step until he decides to wipe the toilet seat. Repeat until he learns to clean it up himself. He's 8! I make my two year old do this if she makes a mistake on the toilet. I obviously help her but if she doesn't want to, she can't do anything else until she helps me. Follow through.

Main consequence here would be screen time.
I'd ask him to clean it up. He would say no. I would say if he's not old enough to clean up his wee/aim it in the toilet then he's not old enough to play on the switch.

I did have to show him how to clean it up the first time. But it's no longer a battle he wants to fight.

School work on the other hand... Lego is the main culprit so if he gets too distracted by it I can always pack it away for him so he can concentrate on his work. I just need to pick up one piece and he's at his desk!

Don't battle. Keep your cool and repeat if you don't do x, you don't get y. Follow through. "I'm not discussing it" is also a useful phrase.

Toilet - absolutely every time make him go back and clean it up.
Behaviour - clear consequence that you implement every single time.
Never threaten a consequence that you don't mean/are not willing to follow through.
Model the behaviour that you expect t. No do as I say not as I do attitude.

The first thing I would enforce is all men in the household have to sit down to pee, this includes adults. Even if you put the seat up, it just sprays everywhere. Peeing standing up is disgusting. My boys will occasionally pee standing up and it goes on the toilet seat every single time!