Desperately need help to move on and be more positive. Really regretting moving house.

[MrsPworkingmummy]

Please help me get over my grief for my old home. I feel ridiculous writing this, given what's happening globally, but I'm literally consumed with depression and this is all I'm thinking about. I've been very poorly recently too and I'm sure my anxiety /depression about this is slowing my recovery. My mental health is not great at the best of times, and I'm honestly feeling so so sad about the life we've given up. This is a long post - apologies.

Last year, we sold our beautiful old detatched house (early 18th century farmhouse, very quirky, very low ceilings, not for everyone, beautiful big private garden, on a fairly busy B road through the village. A wow house) and moved to an Edwardian semi on a private road in a cheaper city centre 15 miles away (up to an hours drive depending on traffic) . The new house borders a rough and deprived area, but it was my husband's choice as it was me pushing the move so I let him decide (for context, we moved back to my home city and I did voice my concern about the area) .

We didn't really want to move, but, in the old house, never had much disposable income as we'd really stretched ourselves to buy it , had about £15,000 of (well-managed) debt and I felt the problems in our relationship would be solved if we had no money worries (mainly my husbands hatred of his job which causes him a lot of stress and he was often grumpy around the children ). I didn't ever see my old friends (who didn't want to drive out to see me) but since moving, I've realised that they aren't really my friends at all anyway. We've all moved on. I also felt we were too involved with my husband's family who lived close to us, whilst we rarely saw mine so I wanted to put some distance between us. ( his side of the family are close and loving, whereas mine are not). There were around 4000 cars passing the house across the day.,mainly during rush hour (the road had a 20mph speed limit but most didn't follow this) and I used to complain about that too. Following the birth of our second child a few years ago, I went back to work 4 days a week. This meant we had to seriously budget and had no money for every day house repairs etc and if we wanted to go on holiday or buy Christmas presents etc, I'd have to put it on a credit card or extended our bank loan. The plan was, that we would move, I would get a new job and go down to 3 days and my husband would now only be 1 mile away from his place of work, but the actual job I've been offered is full time on a lower responsibility level.

By moving to a cheaper city, we were able to halve our mortgage, pay off our debts and we can now sustain the new house on one salary if needed. We are now closer to my family who had made grand promises of helping more with the children (which hasn't materialised). We had no help at all from my husband's family in this respect.

Since being on lock-down, I've realised my heart just isn't in the new house. I desperately pine for our old place and have realised that although we had no money, we were all actually really happy and it was my crappy negative mental health and pessimistic ways that emphasised the problems outlined above. The new house is on a private road of big victorian and Edwardian terraces. The one next to us has been converted into flats occupied by young professionals. I hate having neighbours (I can hear their front door open and close, occasionally can smell weed through the walls and had to phone their landlord when I could hear loud computer games/music blasting through the walls at 3 in the morning). Our garden is loads smaller and is on the end of the terrace so we often have people waking right alongside the garden where we had total privacy before.

I miss my old house, the walks into fields from the doorstep and I'm regretting pushing my husband into the move. He did know I was very unsure and I wish he'd talked me out of it.

My daughter (8) is now going through an autism assessment (prompted by teachers at her new school) and it would often take 2hours to persuade her to put her school uniform on in the old house . She didn't appear to like her old school so we also thought the move might be good for her. Instead, she is heartbroken. She has made friends in our new street (which is a bonus, as we had no immediate neighbours in our old house and her school was 2 miles away so didn't have school friends locally) but she has cried for our old house and life. She constantly wants to talk about old memories (I do too!). She is very violent now and this has became a lot worse since we moved. We couldn't get her into our school of choice in the new area, and although the teachers are amazing at the one she goes too, she's mixing with children from one of the roughest areas in the country and her speech/accent , demeanour and attainment have all plummeted. My son loved his old childminder and hasn't really settled with his new one despite being there since September. We had burglars in our front garden last week who took loungers and the children's slide, and since then, as well as being bedridden through illness, I have got myself in a state about what I've put my family through as this move was all my idea. I've brought huge change on us all and it's just horrible. I believed that the move would cause our problems to go away, but I was wrong.

I've spoken to my husband who has got quite upset saying he didn't want to move in the first place. The sad thing is, we couldn't afford to buy our old house back. We are both on lower wages now than when we got our mortgage on the old house and prices in the area had risen significantly. Even if we moved back to the area, life would never be as it was.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I've tried speaking to my husband this morning, and he told me he's really pissed off as he never wanted to move and told me this would happen. I know I should be grateful that we have a roof over our head, but I can't shake the anxiety weighing me down.

Whar should I do? If I push to move again, it means unsettling the children again.

Has anyone else ever moved and regretted it? How do i get over this?

This sounds like a really hard situation. I’m sorry.
What made you buy your current house if it was in such a rough area? Where you under pressure to move as quickly as you could?

I know you can’t move back to your old house but if you both really hate where you are now can you work toward moving to somewhere nicer that isn’t so expensive? You would have to change your mindset and not just look for a direct replacement. But there must be nicer areas within your budget even if the houses themselves wouldn’t live up to your old house.

Awww love, it's sounds like you're having a tough time all round. Long and short if it though is that you've moved so whether that was right or wrong it's done. I think you're mixing up really significant things with not so important stuff and things that you can control with things that you can't.

First thing, no regrets! Not going to get you anywhere so drop that asap. Work on finding the positives.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re so sad.

We have moved quite a few times and I still feel real loss about one or two of the places that we had. It’s partly for the house but also nostalgia for the life we had at the time when we were there. I have to remind myself that we were very lucky to have it, which usually cheers me up! You were lucky to have that place, with all its faults - in time you may look back at this house and feel the same way! :-)

I have found that it can take a year for kids (and me!) to get used to a new place, settle into friends, etc. In the meantime, I have seen tears, anger, punching each other, depressions. It’s pretty horrible but with help they can get over it. No point feeling guilty on their behalf until they have had enough time to get over it - spend time instead getting them to feel good about the area instead. So, in themeantime I recommend being as positive as you can (refuse to dwell on the negatives, think only of the good things, even though you know you are not being honest with yourself) and then after a year, do a realistic appraisal about how you are getting on. That way if you decide to leave, you know you will have given it your best shot. Also if you continue to blame your husband and yourself, you are unlikely to find happiness in your new home even if it could be available.

You mention that it was your mental health issues that made you unduly negative about your last house - it might be wise to make sure that you don’t do the same in this place? (Easier said that done unfortunately).

Hope things get better xx

What about looking to love again when your oldest goes up a school at 13, then it doesn't unsettle her again and gives you time to save. You have a medium term plan to aim for. You can love more rurally in the new area, therefore should be more affordable?

@Readysetcake our house sold within a few days of going on the market in May last year. We were under pressure to move by the end of August so our daughter could start the school year at her new school in September. If it hasn't sold in a short time, we wouldn't have moved. I wanted to move to a specific area in the city we are now in, but no properties were coming up there other than the one we're in which is on the very edge of it and borders the rough area. It was also a good price and meant we laid £100,000 off our mortgage) which made a huge difference to us. We liked the idea of being between deprivation and affluence abd thought it would be better for the children to see real life. I was brought up in a pit cottage myself and my children's upbringing is far removed from what I went through). We joked that there'd be an alcoholic walking past one minute and a millionaire the next. Our last house, although in a beautiful little village, was not desirable when we first bought it as the village was small with few amenities and a large council estate at one end. Over the time we'd been there, thousands of new homes were built essentially joining it up with the highly desirable local areas within a 2mile radius . That really pulled the value of ours up. By the time we'd left, there was a new school, shops etc. We bought our current house after my husband found it and felt we could make it work. I just couldn't believe he was supporting the move the went with it. He knew some of the people in the street. They spoke very highly of it. I joined Facebook residents' groups and it came across as an oasis in the city (think of a wide and gated tree lined street full of mainly professional and creative families). I think it's made a huge difference that we're the end house. Our front door goes onto an adjoining road rather than opening into the private road. I also think the fact we are next to flats causes problems. The old owners had been here 15 years and told us there had never been issues or burglaries etc and we trusted them I guess. We felt we'd taken a chance on the old house and really benefited from the development in the area, and thought perhaps, the same might happen here too (it might, but the rough area we're bordering is totally different to the council estate we lived near to before. There, people were friendly and salt of the earth. Crime was non existent. Here, petty crime is rife, cars are constantly getting broken into and there are lots of drugs. Some people are living in really desperate conditions. It's really sad actually). We could move within a mile of the old house, but we'd have to increase our mortgage near to what is was before and we'd be living in a far less nice house than the one we had. Don't get me wrong, the one we're in a large, characterful home. It's just not my old house and not for me.

OP I’m in a similar situation. I know how hard it is.

We are only renting but we had to move from a lovely area of London to a shithole 200 miles away (Dh family are here) due to money issues. I’ve cried everyday. The schools are shocking, the only one Dd got a place at is under special measures (she was due to start the week of lockdown so at least hasn’t had to start there yet).

Our car has been vandalised twice since we’ve been here and we’ve been broken into once. Common occurrence apparently.

We’re trying to focus on a long term plan if moving somewhere nicer. We’ll never be able to afford to go back to where we love, but we will be able to find a better area eventually.

I think if you move you will miss this house and go on being miserable and complaining. It would be better to focus on your mental health and your marriage.

Oh my goodness, what a very hard situation. I'm just coming out the other side of 18 months of horrible, all-consuming regret and doubt about a house move and I can empathise with a lot of what you are experiencing, and I'm so sorry you are going through something similar.

Our situation was slightly different in that we we took a three year assignment overseas (which was great) and decided on returning to sell our old house ("never go back" being our thinking) and move to a different (but nearby) area. It was an unbelievably stressful time as we were trying to buy a house unseen, arrange secondary and primary schooling, move countries and also deal with the death of a close family member in the space of a few months. My decision making abilities were totally shot and when the dust settled I couldn't believe what we had done. Like you, as the driver behind many of the choices, I felt overwhelming responsible. It seemed every aspect of the decision was wrong (we had picked the wrong school, we had picked the wrong house, we had picked the wrong location) and for financial and schooling reasons (no chance of getting a place elsewhere) we were utterly stuck. It was a very dark time.

I don't think there is any magic solution, but all I can say is that it has got easier with time. As we've started to make new memories in our new home, I'm beginning to dwell less on the decisions we made and this feels more like "my" life now than a horrible mistake. I try and focus on the small wins (for example, my youngest DC has discovered a talent in a niche sport that he would never have been able to access in our old location) and remember that other decisions could have had unforseen problems. Looking to increase your financial security was and is a very valid choice, and one that you may be thankful for in the future. Your children will adapt, and new friendships will blossom. The challenges they are overcoming now will give them skills for the future.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It will get easier. If you feel really stuck, perhaps you could think about CBT to help you address the negative thought patterns? This was something I was looking into, but in the end didn't follow up because I found I was feeling better. Best of luck, and feel free to PM me.

We too were under pressure to move fast - I became ill
With pnumonia which got so bad I had to go on SSP for 12 weeks. We couldn’t afford the rent and had to move fast as we didn’t want to go down the route of waiting for eviction and homelessness for the council to help.

I think even moving to a house you want to move to can be really stressful. I moved to a really lovely house and area and it took me at least 6 months to feel settled in and that is with no MH problems or friends or family issues like you have had.

By moving to a cheaper city, we were able to halve our mortgage, pay off our debts and we can now sustain the new house on one salary if needed. We are now closer to my family who had made grand promises of helping more with the children (which hasn't materialised). We had no help at all from my husband's family in this respect.

I think at the moment you could try and focus on the positives like your improved financial situation. Focusing on the negatives like the neighbours, your previous decisions will not help you.

Maybe when things have settled down a bit you could think about a move? Maybe there's a third house out there that is better than both you've mentioned. Even healthy people's stress levels are really high at the moment so it's not a good time to beat yourself up about the move.

Could you afford one of the new build houses near your old house? I know you wouldn't have the garden but there might be other advantages?

• not on main B road
• near DH family who you say are lovely
• DD can go back to old school
• nearer shops and amenities than old house

You could make it work - and in couple of years childcare costs will go down.

You might in time be able to extend a new build?

It's a shame however that no houses are being sold at moment - so you're going to have to wait for things to calm down.

You need to start focussing in moving forward because you can’t go back. You are now out of debt and you have reduced the mortgage so financially you are in a much better position.
Where would you like to be in 5 years time and what steps do you need to get there?
House prices are unlikely to go up much because of the economic effects of lockdown so you you can plan with some certainty.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so anxious about it all. I think you've just got to try and make the best of what you've got and try to reassure your children as much as you can.

We moved 60 miles away from my home town when I was 6. It was a move necessary for my dad's job but my mum didn't want to move. She was depressed and miserable, she hated the area and she hated the people. 30 years on and she still feels much the same. I find it very sad that she still hates it so much - I've grown up here, my life and friends are here, my kids were born here - to me it is home.

I totally understand you, OP, and I still cry for my lovely, lovely house which we sold two years ago. We moved to a different part of the country six years ago because of DH’s job. We bought a beautiful house in a picture book village but it turned into Royston Vasey. In a nutshell, we were driven out so we moved to another village 20 minutes up the road where the villagers couldn’t be more welcoming but I hate the house we currently live in.

I look at my crappy plumbing, the cracks in the wall, the cheap kitchen which is falling apart and all the ugly plastic doors and I grieve for my old house.

And to top it all, husband hates his job and is leaving next week, walking into god knows where in this covid-19 new world. I wonder what it was all for and why did we move in the first place? The whole thing has been a disaster.

I don’t know what to say to you OP, other than be grateful that you have a (shitty) roof over your head during these extreme times. Hopefully things will finally return to normal next year and by then you will know what to do.

Just to add to my previous reply - if your eldest daughter is 8 you do have time on your side to make another change before you need to apply for a secondary school, so that is a positive. Maybe focus on what you might do to get her into the best school in the area? Renting out your current house and then renting yourselves might be an option in the short term.

And remember, no decision is perfect, and we will never get every decision right. A good friend of mine made a decision several years ago to take her children on day out during the school holidays, and as a result her youngest child was killed in a dreadful, freak accident. I think of her often and what she is living with, and try and remember this when I am being self-pitying.

It's tough when you've made a decision and then look back and think it was the wrong one.

However - and I mean this to be genuinely supportive - constantly raking over the old house, garden, neighbours, childminder and so on, is not helping. What's done is done; you need to focus on making the best of the current situation.

Weed smell from flat next door? Speak, nicely, to the neighbour and explain that you have kids in the house and the smell is coming through.

Garden not so private? Plant hedging and bamboo. Fargesia bamboos are clumping and non-invasive. Campbell Robusta is a good variety which is sun and wind tolerant and can grow up past 4m if you want it that high. It makes very good screening and is low maintenance.

Childminder not great? Find another one after the lockdown.

DD struggling? It's difficult but you need to help her with the change. It's OK to talk about the old house but you need to find positives about the new house to counterbalance that.

Family not helping out? Annoying , but you are at least closer to them now so can see them more often if you want.

Finally, think about the financial benefit. You've taken a huge chunk off your mortgage and it means that you can now survive on one salary if push comes to shove. Do not underestimate how valuable that is right now.

I feel for you, but regret can be really corrosive if you allow it.

PS look at soundproofing your party wall. Expensive but worth it.

This sounds really difficult OP.

I think the first priority is to try to manage your mental health. I don't think you would be happy anywhere until you have that in hand to be honest.

He did know I was very unsure and I wish he'd talked me out of it. This sounds a little like you are blaming him for not talking you out of it even though he was the one who didn't want to move. He did it for you and now you're not happy anyway, so I can totally understand why he's pissed off. However, there's absolutely no point in dwelling on this, you're in this situation, for now, and you need to manage it. But I think you may need some help to do this.

I'm also not sure why you wouldn't want your family to be close to your DH's family, particularly if you're not close to yours?

I wonder if you are viewing your old life through rose-tinted glasses, which is very easy to do once you are away from the day-to-day stresses and strains that made it difficult. It's easy to look back and see only the positives.

You say that looking back, it was your mental health that was the issue - do you think that it might still be influencing how you feel about your new home?

We are in a hiatus at the moment due to Corona, so try to take this as an opportunity to take stock and make plans. You say your house is large and characterful so it should be possible to sell it, should you want to.

It's tempting to think that moving house will solve all your problems, and that sort of mindset probably led to you moving last time - but it sounds as though you need to address the mental health issues you've been suffering in order to see more clearly whether moving back to your old area would be the right thing to do.

Having financial worries can really grind you down no end.
You’ve moved and escaped that and now you’re not coping with the new normal.
Try turning it in it’s head.
What if you’d lived where you are now, the house sounds loveLy btw, and gone from there to your last house.
Suddenly, you’d have to find the extra money..in this crisis too.
Like you say you are grieving.
Like all grief it will pass in time.
When the country has got back to whatever normal it is going to be, you can maybe get a caravan and get yourselves back out into the countryside. My DD has one of those pop up caravans which she can tow herself, and meets up with a couple of girlfriends in a remote spot not too far from home. One has a camperVan, another a small tourer And every other weekend, they leave the kids home with their dads and break free.

When the kids are older and you want to downsize you can maybe go back to a country cottage .
I live in a town, with only a bit of patio and decking. I’d love to move to a nice green space but I love my bungalow. It’s not too small but not too big either. Decorated how I like it and manageable should I be left on my own again.
I know I’d hate it if I moved.
We have a Static caravan about 45 miles away in beautiful N Yorks and live more than half the week there, so that’s where I get my fix . I’ve never spent so long in my own home for years with this lockdown.
It’s home and peaceful and quiet. That’s very important to me. No traffic noise ..so yes I put up with lack of green space.
I think we all make a compromise with whatever we do.
Maybe write a list of all the positives in your new home and the negatives in your last one
See if that helps.

Btw..we meet up with friends we have met over the years on the beach in Tenerife as we all tend to go the same time of the year.
My lovely Irish friend, 86 years old, who has been a widower for about 12 years, says ‘ I never allow myself to feel sad.’
He comes to Tenerife twice a year and goes to other foreign locations too as the heat helps with his condition. He’s really amazing.

I’m inclined to be a bit downbeat when I start looking backwards..so I try to remember what he says. It really does you no good.

I wonder if you are viewing your old life through rose-tinted glasses, which is very easy to do once you are away from the day-to-day stresses and strains that made it difficult. It's easy to look back and see only the positives.

These are wise words.

OP, you said you were really skint when you were living in your old house. You had debt, you had to live on a strict budget, you couldn’t afford house repairs or holidays or Christmas presents.

If you’d stayed in that house you would have carried on being stressed and miserable about money. You made steps to massively reduced your mortgage and you did. That’s really positive.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I know just how it is as I also have anxiety and I find it very hard to make decisions and then come to terms with them. I'm currently tortured over a great job offer I turned down about six weeks ago because I didn't want to start something new during a time we can't even meet people face to face. I try to be rational and look at why I made that decision, as well as considering I can look for something else in time, but I'm really miserable! I even have dreams about it.

I've also had house move regrets. A bit different because we left a house we were very happy in, but it wasn't a dream home. The new place was meant to be a step up (the house itself I love) but we have had problems with neighbours (similar setup to what you describe, but landlord didn't care and council have been involved so will need to be disclosed to any prospective buyers) and know we will need to move on.

So, as a fellow regret sufferer I empathise and commiserate!

However, as someone outside your situation, some things strike me. Firstly, your last house didn't seem ideal and the financial situation stressful. You have a raft of reasons for the move and they sound very reasonable. You chose the new house badly here (as I and others on this thread have done too!), but you can move again and you'll have a much better idea of what you need in a house. I get the impression leaving the old one probably wasn't a mistake. Secondly, the rumination is shining out of every word. You aren't seeing clearly because of it and you're suffering unnecessarily as a result. My counsellor recommends writing down all these thoughts - it does help me when I bother to do it!

(Sorry for the rambling!)

Thank you for your constructive feedback to each of you. Apologies for the late reply, but I've been busy with my children all day. I think I'm the kind of person who needs a project; something to focus on and keep my mind busy (which helps to nip my anxiety in the bud). These 'projects ' have been building my career, getting married, having the children and buying/improving my old home. Other than the financial stresses, we were doing great and the house really was stunning (hence it selling so quickly). I think because I'd focused solely on moving as a solution to our problems, I sorted and organised it all without really thinking of the horrible reality of giving up such a wonderful house.

The way I'm feeling is undoubtedly worse due to lockdown and the fact I've been poorly.

@Connie222 I'm sorry you are going through similar. It really is an awful situation to be in. It sounds like you had a particularly difficult time.

@Charlieiscool Sadly you are probably right. I had a pretty horrendous upbringing, had/have little self confidence and worry far too much about what other people think. My marriage is strong. Despite day to day stresses, we love one another dearly.

@cheeseismydownfall Thank you for sharing your story. It certainly sounds like we share similar feelings. Your situation sounded very stresselful. I'm so sorry to hear about your poor friend too. It's 8 months since our move and initially, I was so busy juggling life, I didn't focus on the old house or miss it as such. Being in lock down and spending so much time at this house has made me think wistfully about what we had and what could have been. I have had a course of CBT as I go through periods of debilitating anxiety every couple of years. Some strategies were useful, but I think I'm a fairly negative person and have a tenancy to wallow, over think and become consumed (which is what has happened in this case).

@newhousestress thank you for being so rational and positive. We've been here 8 months and my children have certainly made their mark with handmarks up the staircase etc. We are planning on getting the house redecorated throughout and I will consider moving if I feel so strongly once lockdown is over.

@converseandjeans Yes, we have - and did- consider buying one of the new builds. Some are more expensive than what we sold our farmhouse for, but there are those within a reasonable price range. The problem is the old house was full of character (our new one if too I guess) so moving into a plain box might be a bit of a culture shock.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude we are in a significantly better financial position which is a positive, but being on lockdown has made me realise more than ever that money does not bring happiness.

@MillieMoodle it's very sad to hear about your mum's unhappiness, but I can empathise with her. If she feels the way I currently do, her feelings will be all consuming. I hope your mum and dad have had their fair share of happy moments alongside her dislike of the house.

@NotNowMrTumnus I'm sorry you feel the same. Your situation sounds similar. Here's hoping we can both find some positivity. We would need to decorate throughout and put a new boiler in before selling.

@Fallonswift you are so right. The rational part of my brain knows this, but the anxiety driven side of me gets totally consumed and overwhelmed. My daughter is supported by CAMHs and CYPS and we are all trying to focus on positives with her. I did speak to the neighbours when they were in the front garden doing it, and to be fair, it has stopped, however we can occasionally smell it through the walls on our top two floors. I hate it. Thank you for the tips about hedging and planing. I'll look into the bamboo. We might change my son's childminder, but Id prefer not to chop and change as I feel my kids are negatively affected by it.

@WilburIsSomePig thank you. You're right... I totally understand why my DH is pissed off too. In terms of dhs family, I used to get annoyed (perhaps unduly) that his mum would walk into our house unannounced using her key and she was very reliant on my DH and didn't always consider the fact we have two children (a then baby and a very challenging older girl) and he couldn't always drop everything. His family are lovely though.

In response to other posters, my mental health is not good. This is due to many things but includes the day to day challenge of living with a volatile and violent 8 year old. I think I will seek some councelling to help me accept the decisions I have made which have resulted in this move. I probably am looking through the old house with Rose tinted glasses, but it was a unique beautiful 300 old year old property and we're unlikely to get something like that again.

@Dowser I would love a tourer caravan and if we stay here, I will absolutely get one and pop it on a seasonal pitch in the Lake District. Thanks for that suggestion. We will definitely move back to the country (probably somewhen more rural) in the future.

@Byllis thanks for your post. I've been advised to write my feelings down before hence me writing this post. Anxiety is a truly awful thing and I'm sick of my life being ruled by it. I'm sorry you get it too.