My baby just won’t sleep please help at the end of my tether

[Pleasehelpnaps]

Please help me,

I have a DD who is 13 months.

She has always been rocked to sleep (I have a rocking chair so it doesn’t hurt my back) when she was younger, I’d rock her to sleep the lower her into her cot and she would stay asleep.

However now she seems a lot more alert, I’ve also lowered the cot as she looked like she could get out of it. So basically now when I lower her in, there’s further to go and she always wakes up.

For a few weeks I just laid on the sofa with her on me and watched tv, but I couldn’t go on like that, and I wondered how long I would have to do this for. Also me and DH would have our “us time” whilst she napped before, watch a movie, or if he was at work I’d relax or clean up, but it was a nice break.

It’s getting ridiculous now where DD falls asleep on me on the rocking chair, I then have to carefully move to the sofa, then put the tv on quietly with subtitles because it’ll wake her of too loud. It’s not sustainable to keep doing this and I need her to nap in her cot.

At her one year review the health visitor suggested the disappearing chair method, so basically you just sit in the chair next to their cot until they fall asleep. That way they won’t freak out that you’ve abandoned them and they can always see you.

So since lockdown I thought it’d be a great time to try it. I started last Thursday, she cried for 45 mins (during this time I was singing to her and I never left the room until she fell asleep) second day was 45 minutes and the third day seemed to go really badly and she ended up crying so much she was sick. We took her out of the cot to cool down and clean up and just decided to try again later.

The next day she only cried for 6 minutes and I was so happy that it was starting to work. Yesterday was the worst day by far, she cried for one hour in total and Was sick at the end so we gave up. She didn’t nap at all that day. Today I was hopeful but again she has just screamed for 45 mins and been sick everywhere so i have taken her out to clean her up and will try again later.

I’m beginning to feel hopeless and extremely upset. I feel like I’ve made a rod for my own back by rocking her all this time. I also feel like the worst mother for letting her crying until she’s sick. It makes me cry too and I’m terrified I’m scarring her. I thought this was a kinder way as she can always see me sitting there and singing lullabies.

But I don’t know what the alternative is? I do not want her to keep napping on me for two hours a day, I can’t go to the loo, get a drink, eat, do anything really because I can’t move from the sofa. I’m crying now , sorry if that sounds silly but I just feel like I’ve lost all hope and I’m dreading trying her again tomorrow. What else can I do? Please don’t have a go at me about her being sick, I take her out straight away after this and I’m also finding that she’s figured out how to make herself sick, as it’s a way to get me to pick her up. But what’s the alternative as I can’t just leave her in her sick.

My options are
Keep going for another week
Give up and just carry on letting her sleep on you
Try something different (but what)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, I’m sorry if it doesn’t make sense, I haven’t read it back. I’m just desperate for help and feel like a terrible mother.

This sounds really hard. I feel your pain. I've been through lots of sleep issues with my 2 DC. What I would say to you, and as you probably know, is that you cannot carry on like that. Your child needs to learn how to fall asleep by themselves. I think in the general sense you need to carry on. Stick to a plan. There's lots of advice you could follow - where to start and knowing what might work is the difficult thing. My strong advice is the following if you can afford it. Get a sleep consultant. We used Andrea Grace (one hour video call followed up with notes you can follow). I had always breast fed my child to sleep and his sleep got worse and worse. We had to do sleep training. Not a popular view on mumsnet but it did involve crying but he slept through the night within a few days. If you're at the end of your tether get some professional help, otherwise i'd be happy to share more details of what worked for us but don't want to add to your confusion.

I’ve been there. The gradual withdrawal from the chair worked for dc1. Dc2 did the vomiting. Didn’t try with dc3.

With the vomiting, if you do continue be very careful not to quit or offer lots of sympathy if they are sick. Clean up and go straight back to it, otherwise they can learn to be sick quicker to get a cuddle! I quit because of this, i didn’t want it to become a habit.

Personally I’d put a half way stage in. Separation anxiety is bad at this age and mine all hated the bars of the cot. Does the side come off the cot? Then you could sit right next to it and hold her while she falls asleep, gradually holding less. Ours didn’t so I used to get into the cot rather than lifting dc2 out but that’s not easy!!

Dc3 napped in our bed or the buggy. Any change in the way they fall asleep is good to help them to learn.

💐
It’s grim. I’m following for tips. My 13 month old has defied being lowered into either the crib or cot since day 1. My back is shot.

I think that sitting in the room is just enraging her. I would put her in bed, say I love you, sleep time now and then immediately leave. No hanging about. I’d go back in after 2-3 mins of crying but not pick her up just repeat the sleep time message and straight back out. I think it will be much shorter without hours of crying and being sick.

How about doing something more gradual? So instead of sitting by the cot, if you can stroke or pat her back. That way its less than rocking her but not quite as much as just singing to her. Hopefully after a few days it shouldn't take long to pat her back and you may be able to wean off of this too.

I also wonder if you could try something like patting and singing a lullaby? I suspect your DC would still cry but be more comforted than you just sitting there.

I did patting (kind of slapping his butt firmly actually as I think he liked it better) and singing, then dropped the singing, then just a hand.

It was weeks of each step.

I then just sat next to him but actually he found that more distracting, he settled better once I left.

So my ds was like this (although about 8 months old) and in the end I put him in his cot and rubbed his back until he was asleep. Eventually just holding his hand and then just sat next to the cot

We are going to start the disappearing chair method now as he still needs us with him to settle to sleep for naps and bedtime.

Oh and he’s 20 months now

Um kids don't just vomit for attention, it's because they're distressed. Could you for one minute put yourself in her shoes? Sleep training is controversial anyway but even for paediatricians who condone it, they generally agree that if it makes them sick then it's a sign it's not working for that child and you should stop! If you're not worried about her, worry about the fact you are going to create a really insecure, needy child.

I echo to get a sleep consultant who has methods that are actually good for the child.

www.google.com/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/sleep-training-and-babies-why-crying-it-out-is-best-avoided-127044

I found life got a lot easier when I just accepted that contact naps were what she needs right now. So I just get everything organised: book, phone, drink in range, remote control etc. and look on it as two hours I can just read, browse the net, watch stuff. I think sometimes stressing about the routine is worse than just accepting it for what it is right now and just going with it. We don't always have to 'fix' everything right away.

And she's still very little so if she's really getting distressed so much she is vomiting, I wouldn't be pushing it. I know some people will say she's doing it on purpose and for attention, etc. but I don't believe that's the case with a 13mo. I think it's more likely she's genuinely just becoming so distressed it's making her sick, and I'd have to weigh up the implications of that v having to contact nap.

To be honest, you have two options. Either you go down the sleep training route, which has limited success rate anyway and a dodgy track record for child and adult mental health. It sounds like it's not really working for you anyway. But you've tried it now so can tick it off.

Or you sort of come to terms with it and realise that she's a typical baby who is wired to want to be with her mum 24/7. Like @ScarfLadysBag said, it helped me to just accept it's kind of how it is and to just get a good book out or sort things on my phone (or Mumsnet!). Times may have changed by babies have not.

Good luck!

Also whatever you do now will be different again for the next growth spurt, so it's how much you want to stress about it for just a month or so anyway. As you can see from even just this thread, babies are so different and you've got to do what you think will help her and you, which might be just taking that time and being with her to help her feel safe.

Could try this, bath to tire her out then drink then bed Then put her down in cot , pat rub her back through bars of cot but don’t engage , pretend you are sleeping when she sits up crying just say shhhh pat her back through bars of the cot and shut your eyes again I just used to put my head beside her and pretend I was sleeping too! Slowly she will get the hang of if she sits up pretend you are asleep don’t engage at all just show its it’s sleepy time It’s not easy but I used this method and it worked. then slowly inched out of room bit at a time over a few weeks
If she’s beyond distressed and vomiting I would clean her up cuddle her but like others say back to bed and start it again , you can still comfort her but It takes perseverance.

@Lelophants I don’t think it does have a dodgy track record for mental health. Please link to a peer-reviewed study that shows that is the case.

Have you tried a double bed? Lay down in bed with her until she falls asleep and sneak away.
I tried all the other methods and it was a much older friend who said this worked with their daughter 30 odd years ago, and it does work for us.