Another marriage finance one...what would you do?

[Ilovejammies90]

DH and I havr a good marriage. Good partnership. Equal work around house and childcare etc

At the moment we pull all our income into one pot.
On paper DH earns less than me. But once he gets his bonuses he earns around £5-7k more per year.

We are comfortable and have a good lifestyle but I dont feel that I am financially independent- he manages all finances and seems to take control- and will buy himself what I see as "silly" things whereas I feel bad when I get myself "a treat" (probably from having no money as a child)
He also smokes and spends £20-30a month on betting

I calculated that if we split all bills including DC activities and money aside for christmas- but not weekly food budget as it varies depending on where we go etc I would havr around £350 left per month
We also have a CC and some loans that will be paid off in the next 2 years so that amount would increase.
Is this reasonable? Am i giving myself a bum deal here? I just want more financial independence and understand what I actually have at the "end of the day" for myself...

Thanks for your thoughts

I think one pot only works well if you both have similar attitudes to spending and saving. In your situation, I would agree with your DH how much personal money you each get transferred to your own account each month. And agree what spending doesn't come out of the joint pot.

We are in a similar position. DH earns a lot more than me (wasn’t always the case but he got promoted and I went part time after Mat leave). We put all our money into own pot, pay for bills, household expenses like shopping, fuel etc and then we give ourselves ‘play money’ to spend on what we like. Gaming stuff for DH mostly, I spend mine on clothes and my hair. We’ve done this since we got married and it works well for us. I would definitely prioritise clearing the credit card debt, it’ll be a weight off your mind.

This is very unmumsnet but we have quite separate finances.

At the beginning of the month I put a bit into the joint account & more into savings account. Then I just use my money how I choose, if I need more which hasn't happened in ages from memory I can use the joint account, whatever is left I transfer into my own savings account. However I see my money as DHs/family if that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for responses so far.
At the minute i have litterally split the outgoings in half but would it be fair to ask Dh to pick up some more of the outgoings as he earns more month on month? Eg he pays sky (i am not fussed about having sky I only watch "normal" tv or Netflix- he has sky sports) or his own subscriptions which I have also split? Or would this be unfair?

Or would it be fair to suggest he puts money into savings for holiday etc from his income and we have equal "fun money"?

I know noone can really answer those questions as its personal to each family but your responses so far have helped

We split household bills 50:50 and put an amount to cover that into the joint account each month. Otherwise excess cash is our own.

All our money goes into one pot. I'm the higher earner, but we have equal 'fun money' that gets transferred into our own accounts as a standing order.
If he wants to spend his on his games etc that's up to him and if I spend mine seeing friends or treating myself to a new bag then the other person really has no say.
However if I work any overtime I also keep that money, although it tends to go towards taking the kids away somewhere with my Mother. He has the option to work overtime but says he doesn't want to so I think it's fair enough.

It seems that alot of people have extra "fun money" which is something we just dont have

I am glad i have asked opinions as i like the idea of having some money earmarket for ourselves and will suggest this option

Its also not clear from your post if you can afford to treat yourself but choose not to?

Because being a martyr is on you, not him. but not spending because you're worried about debts/ overall finances while he's happily blowing cash is something else entirely.

I agree with PP - you need to agree a set amount of money for incidental spending and agree what items are included in that incidental spending. Eg, if Dh and I ever did this, I would not consider hair cuts or basic cosmetics something that should come from my "fun" money but for another family, it might be that it is.

We put everything into a joint account, very unequal amounts, and spent as we felt appropriate - it worked for us even after we separated we had a joint account (before he moved out). I'm now in a new relationship and want to pay 50/50 for day to day even though I earn less (but I do get spousal maintenance whereas he has to pay sm) I have said he can pay for trips out, holidays etc. but the house and food we split, pay for our own vehicles and clothes etc.

I think your situation is fair.
Mumsnet always seems to pick and choose when the one pot is a good idea depending on how the woman benefits.
You're a couple and you will take more money out if you end up losing your job or vice versus.

Also you haven't said he stops you from being in charge of finances, so this is down to you not taking a leading role. Also, your spending or guilt about it is entirely a you problem, not a DH problem.

We have joint accounts and once all bills, including groceries, are accounted for we set aside 50 each a week for ‘other’. So that covers any lunches out, if I pick up a clothing item for myself or whatever and that’s your own money for spending and it’s equal.

Anything after bills and other goes to a joint savings account. DH earns more than me now after DS was born and I reduced my hours by one day per week but the finances are still 50:50.

We do the same approach as PPs-all in one pot to pay bills, save etc. One standing order of the same amount into each of our personal accounts for pocket money. We can spend it as we like without criticism and buy each other presents without the person knowing. Works brilliantly for us. Everything else is ‘ours’ despite DH earning more and me getting better lump sum bonuses. Neither of us could earn what we do without the support of the other so all that we have is family money.

When exh and I were together we each put an amount into a joint account for mortgage, bills, family spending, proportionate to our income so I put in slightly more as I earnt more.

Whatever was left over was our own to spend and we never passed comment on what each other bought eg he had an expensive hobby and I liked clothes.

One pot would never have worked for us.

It makes sense to me to leave everything in one pot if you're married. We both have full access to everything. But we also have an equal allowance moved to individual Monzo accounts so we have a little guilt free spending, saving etc. It's not much and usually used for lunches, makeup etc. If we need more we transfer more

Im worried to spend incase it runs out. I sound ridiculous. Your right its completely my issue not DHs
He said i can spend what i like and hes never stopped me spending...i just feel like i never treat myself incase i take 'too much' seems like completely psychological issue on my side.

If i had my "own" money or a set amount of "fun" money then i wouldn't have this completely self inplied guilt on spending money on things for myself
Hes very fair. Set up my online banking a d made sure I looked at it and tried to basically "empower" me to understand how much disposable income is there and can be spent

Its really my problem. Not dh issue or any way his making

The fairest way is a joint pot for all money, pay all bills, make sure you account for once a year expenses so you have enough to cover everything that counts as a recurring bill. Then put a sum aside in a second account for rainy day expenses/birthday & Christmas/savings etc. which isn't to be used without you both agreeing. Then split the rest 50/50 and have separate accounts for your fun money then you each get to spend a fair share and you won't be worried about not having money for expenses when they arrive.