Death Anxiety - Potentially Triggering

[MyPoorBrain]

For about a year now I've had multiple daily in-depth thoughts about death. Not only my own, but those of my loved ones, everyone on the planet etc.

I think it was triggered by:

1. 3 people from a family we knew dying in a terrorist attack last Easter
2. Turning 50 last year
3. Listening to the (utterly brilliant) You Me and the Big C podcast: many, many episodes in the space of a couple of weeks.

I'm very, very lucky in that I've not really lost anyone close. I do remember my grandmother dying when I was about 7 and I remember vividly that that was when I first became aware that people die. I didn't go to the funeral, but I had recurrent nightmares afterwards of being buried alive. I have never been able to go in a small, enclosed underground space such as a cellar because of it.

I can be sat with DH and our teenage DCs having a lovely time be it chatting or watching TV or out for lunch and the thoughts come thick and fast. I talk to DH about it, but I don't feel I can talk to anyone else, because I don't want to start them off thinking about it.

I'm not depressed, although I am a naturally up and down, emotional person. On the whole I have a very good life and a family who love me deeply.

Has anyone else experienced this? I want to try to deal with it because I don't want it to be like this for the rest of my life.

TIA

Give your GP surgery a call and see if they can offer you a phone consultation. I know it doesn't sound like depression, but intrusive thoughts can be relieved by using the right dose of the right anti depressant.
I have experienced something similar after a stressful event, and my advice would be to contact your GP now - pick up the phone and get it over with

Thanks the. I really appreciate your reply, and what you're saying. I'd rather explore some other options before seeking medication via a phone interivew.

I would suggest counselling would help. I know it’s over the phone or Skype these days but you have some stuff going on in your head that you want to get to the bottom of so it may be worth it. If your GP could refer you it would be great.

Do you like to be in control? Are you OCD? Is this because you can’t control death of anyone including yourself? Is there a backstory here too or did it all come on suddenly?

Thank you for your reply Elieza.

I do like to be in control and I do have a touch of OCD but it's in a things being tidy sense. I don't wash hands multiple times (apart from at the moment obvs) and I don't constantly check things etc. I'm in that camp of having very mild OCD and not wanting to say I have OCD because I recognised it's a very serious issue for many sufferers.

It came on suddenly last year around the 3 events listed above. No back story unless I'm missing something obvious. What are you thinking?

It can be a huge relief to offload onto a counsellor because they are trained not just in how to listen but how to release what they hear (they usually have a counsellor of their own). So you don’t have the worry of passing your problems onto them.

Thank you Barbara. I have had counselling before, for abuse in my childhood.

I wonder if I need CBT or sth, to catch the thoughts as they come.

Much of it has to do with not being around for my children I think. It's not really about me per se.

I went through this after the death of a parent and the birth of my first child which happened within a few weeks of each other. If you have listened to you me and the big c, then you've prob come across Kathryn mannix. She has an amazing book that talks about her experiences of death working in palliative care. It really helped me come to terms with the dying process and think about what choices I would potentially make in different circumstances. It also helped me deal with what happened to my parent and how they died. I think I'm less fearful as a consequence and the thoughts of dying have subsided a lot. Although I'm still terrified of leaving my young children and missing them growing up.

Thanks itshappened and I'm sorry about your parenr .

Yes I think I downloaded the book at the time but haven't read as I didn't know if it would help or make it worse! I'll take a look.

I'm torn between getting help to deal with these feelings, and just trying to work through them until I hopefully get to a place of acceptance.

I think it hit me as I approached 50 and realised I was over halfway through, and also wow, time really speeds up. I just want it all to slow down. I love having my two DSs at home and us all being together.

I’m thinking that you’ve been through some rough stuff and had no control over it. You didn’t want it to happen and it still did and you were powerless.

Deaths like that. It happens and we can’t control it. So thinking about it can become an obsession, like ocd, as we want to get back control.

You’re getting older (same age as me btw so I totally get it and my physical changes remind me of my age!) and you know people that died. Unexpectedly in horrible circumstances. You’ve been reading about an illness that kills people when they don’t expect it. One minute they’re fine and the next they are dust. That could happen to you. Scary. Death is out if your control. When will it happen, how will it happen, I dont want it to happen. I don’t want to leave my loved ones. What if my house is a mess. What if I’m wearing my old period comfy Bridget Jones knickers, oh no that’s embarrassing. Etc...

You’re reminded of the past bad stuff you couldnt control. And you don’t like that. It worries you. You don’t want to die.

You could write down the stuff that you fear you will forget. Like what you want says at your funeral if that’s part of it. Once it’s written you can let it go.

When I have thoughts I don’t like I find it helps to tell myself (out loud if I’m alone) “I’m not going to think about this just now, but I recognise these feelings and will think about this another time. I give myself permission to not think about this just now. I am happy and healthy and allow myself to leave these thoughts until later”.
It’s hard and sometimes you want to wallow. It can be like an adrenaline thing, like you want to get het up about stuff, like you are making yourself think about it as a crutch or for a rush, or as a punishment.

Do something else instead. Every time you think about it do your permission speech to yourself and instead do two minutes walking on the spot swinging your arms up and to the side or something physical to focus the other side if your brain on. Count along with the exercises. It will help with your fitness, which can help with your health and extend your life so all good. Take control of your health, eat well, sleep enough, walk daily in the fresh air, don’t eat crap.

The thoughts have just become a pattern and like any pattern you can change it. Just persevere.

If you can’t get control yourself defo get counselling. Your dp will get fed up hearing the same death thoughts repeatedly!

Elieza thank you so much. Lots of points I can really relate to and helpful tactics too.

I agree that the physical changes are definitely adding to the issue.

I do walk daily, even before COVID-19 lol, and I recognise how good it is for stress. I also run, lift weights and do HIIT (3-5 times a week so not obsessively). I eat well and try to get 7+ hours of sleep a night (this is an issue at the moment in that it's restless sleep). I drink 3+ litres of water a day and have done for over a decade. My resting heart rate is on average 50 and I have low blood pressure. I could do with losing a stone as I know that will just make me feel better (damn you menopause!) and I'm trying to eat with a moderation mindset. I never cut anything out but just reduce calories by a couple of hundred a day and accept it will take time.

So I'm doing lots of the right things, but I love your 'mantra' and I've made a note of it and I'm going to start using it (thank you).

My gut feeling is that as you say, I need to change this habit. Not fight it or bury these thoughts. But just get out of the habit of having them.

If you have uncontrollable intrusive thoughts coupled with anxiety, and it either doesn't improve within two weeks or starts to get worse at any point, please don't hesitate to phone your GP.

You say you are an up and down person; why wait until you start to feel worse to tackle this? Soldiering bravely on, or trying to deal with it yourself isn't always the best solution.

I guess because life generally has ups and downs The and I can identify reasons for this starting. My first port of call isn't going to be to run to the GP. I've been interested in exploring the feelings and trying to find ways I can help myself. As per my last post, I am functioning as I normally do around 95% of the time (exercising, eating well, really enjoying being around my family, in contact with friends etc.).

Just doing some research about death anxiety and found this interesting article:

Specifically:

Cultivating death acceptance:

At present, standard treatments do not usually address death anxiety directly. Some argue that this failure to address death fears may in fact be due to the death anxiety of clinicians and researchers themselves. How can we begin to work with clients’ concerns about death and dying if we ourselves avoid the subject in our own life? In order to overcome the dread of death, one must start to cultivate some form of acceptance of mortality. But in what way should we accept death? Three discrete types of death acceptance have been proposed (Gesser, Wong, & Reker, 1988):

Escape acceptance – embracing death as a welcome escape from the suffering and pain of one’s life

Approach acceptance – accepting death due to one’s beliefs about the existence of a desirable afterlife

Neutral acceptance – accepting death as a natural part of life, and something outside of one’s control.

Although all three types of death acceptance are associated with reduced levels of death fears, neutral acceptance appears to produce the lowest levels of death anxiety. Neutral acceptance of death can be seen as similar to the Stoic approach in Greek philosophy, in the sense that death, like many of life’s hardships, is something to neither mourn nor celebrate. Rather, given that it is outside of one’s control, it is viewed with relative indifference. This attitude is summed up nicely in the words of the Stoic philosopher Epictetus: “Death is necessary and cannot be avoided. I mean, where am I going to go to get away from it?” Given that it is neutral acceptance that leads to the lowest levels of death anxiety, treatments which seek to reduce death fears will likely benefit from cultivating this type of acceptance.

I think what I'm trying to do/explain is get to 'neutral acceptance'. Funny that they mention the Stoics as I have a brilliant book with a quote for each day, and the modern interpretation. It's amazing how apt their concepts are in our times. I'll stick it on my Kindle app and get back to reading each day's 'lesson'.