I feel like I’m failing

[Ladywinesalot]

I’ve set up a routine for the children and me to follow during the week:
Breakfast: 7pm
Dress & chores: 8pm
Joe Wicks: 9pm
School work: 10:pm
Lunch: 12:00

Free play after lunch/go for a walk/ play/ watch tv

I’m so frustrated with them, they bicker with each other EVERY MORNING during breakfast. They have done this for years.
Breakfast is incredibly painful.

DH leaves for work at 7pm.

I just shout at them. I’ve tried reward charts, naughty corners, naughty step, rewards, taking things aways. They don’t give a shit.
I’m sick of it.

It’s sets the day up badly. It makes me hate them.

I feel like I’ve failed them, failed my family. I’m such a shit Mum.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations a bit.
Perhaps chores first thing in the morning isn’t the best plan. Bickering is pretty normal. You could leave them to it and watch tv or read elsewhere.
Is there a reason everyone needs to have breakfast so early?

You’re not a shit mum. You might have been fooled by the instagram and Facebook posts that pretend it’s all smiles and loveliness for everyone else.

Even if I have breakfast at 9am, they would be the same.
2 of my children have to be logged onto a computer for school work at 9am too so we need to keep a routine.

I eat quickly then watch tv in the next room so to supervise them somewhat. They still keep getting up form the table and tell taleing in each other or try and throw their breakfast in the bin.

I can’t believe I have to monitor and supervise 2 teens in eating their fucking breakfasts. It’s a simple life skill to eat quickly and get on with the rest of your day.

@PurpleDaisies I’m not hearing of anyone else struggling with their kids at home. Not even much on MN...
I’m so pissed off with my children...

I feel as if I’m providing them with a safe loving home with good healthy food and they are not valuing how hard I work for them.

I’m not a morning person and can’t stomach food first thing - I’ve always been that way, and was a trial to my parents at breakfast time when I was a kid! It’s coming up to midday now and I’m just starting to feel like I could eat something.

Would it work to say breakfast is optional so long as everyone is washed, dressed, tidy and ready to work by 8.30, and have a lovely family lunch instead?

I meant to add - I’m in no position to comment on anyone’s parenting, but you sound like a lovely mum to me

Separate breakfasts. They don’t need to eat together.

My mates teenager had a 40min tantrum during a work conference call yesterday as the WiFi was slow or sometbjng. She actively loathes him during lock down as he's reverted to a toddler.
I think it's a phase and a thing as they are penned in.
I was a vile teenager but a nice adult (I think)
If it helps my toddler had 5 time outs before 10 and got up at 5am and is generally being a nightmare but refusing to nap even after a 40min buggy walk. I actually ahd a little cry a min ago.
Lock down isn't normal. For anyone. Be kind to yourself xx

I feel as if I’m providing them with a safe loving home with good healthy food and they are not valuing how hard I work for them.

I think every parent of teenagers feels the same.

Perhaps you need to pull back a bit and pass them the responsibility of making their own breakfasts and lunches. They won’t come to any harm if they skip a meal now and again.

Aiming for a “lovely family” anything is probably a bad idea at the moment. It immediately builds up the pressure for everything to be perfect. Just go for survival.

Some people need routine and love it and would be utterly appalled by my schedule (or lack of it), but to me you need to have some distance from each other when stuck at home so much as we are now.
So it depends on the age of your kids.. but mine get up when they feel (sometimes this isn’t til 11am and I have to confess I relish the peace) .
They help themselves to yoghurt/ fruit / croissants separately. They do their own workouts in their own room, then kind of congregate in various combos through the day to play and watch films etc together. In between they play instruments, do bits of school work, play in the garden and keep their rooms passably ok. Any more structure or forced family time and we’d go nuts

I have no advice because I don't have teenagers yet, but I promise you other parents are struggling even if they aren't talking about it.

What did they do about breakfast when they went to school? Did they eat it? At a set time? Together? While bickering? Or not? What time did they get up for school? Can you stick to that routine if they still have to be 'at school' by logging on to the computer at 9?
Would they get involved in a discussion about what the routine should be? Or would they just refuse to consider anything except sitting in front of screens? My DC are younger, but on the first day of our 'home school' we talked about what times we would do it (would it be the same time as normal school?) routines, rules etc. We haven't always stuck to it but I try.

They are just children- they don’t have to value a safe home with food. That’s the basic any decent parent should provide and most children don’t feel grateful for that until they reach adulthood

You need to lower your expectations by the sound of it tbh, dc bicker it’s what the do, not every day is going to be like a social media post

My post above that started 'I have no advice,' and then went on to offer completely unfounded advice... sorry about that.

I do have teenagers but I view it as living in some kind of wild mad house, I am VERY kind to myself.
Left to their own devices it’s just one long pot noodle love island fest . I leave them to it.
If they piss me off I change the WiFi password.
They have taken to helping themselves to cocktails , staying up til 3am on the house party app. It’s mad. But I figure it’s the shittest situation ever (for them) to be a teen and stuck at home with the parents... I’ve slackened all my rules enormously, they seem pretty chilled

@P1nkHeartLovesCake Your right, a decent parent does provide. I grew up neglected and in a violent home, so perhaps it’s why I’m so sensitive to ensuring my children eat and behave well because I put so much effort into it and why I resent them when they don’t value my efforts because I know what the opposite of love and safe is.

@happypotamus My children are young teens and under 10’s so they still need a lot of guidance and parenting if that makes sense? If I let them do what they wanted all day long they would tantrum because they would be hungry and bored.
I find giving them a structure in the morning keeps them in a good mood and happy for the rest of the day.(apart from breakfast)

Perhaps I need to be kinder to myself. I’m struggling a lot with not being able to keep to my own routine of excerise as if I’ve got upset at the children like today it really does upset me and I find my mood and motivation for the rest of the day lost.

@noblegiraffe I have 5 children, I do not have the time or space for them to eat separately.

I am willing to bet you're a great mum. You're just in a weird situation and we're all having rough days. That sounds tough though, a bad start sets the tone, I know this well!!

I would call a family meeting and try to talk it all through. Maybe when they're not hungry/weary. Explain the problems, ask for ideas/solutions. Maybe there's room for negotiation in the routine? If they have some control perhaps they'd bicker less. If they hear how it's making you feel, maybe they'd see it's having a horrible effect on you.

Catch positives whenever you can and big them up.

Sanctions for breaking family rules- maybe make some explicit rules? Ie speak to your sister rudely- less screen time. If you can't say something nice, don't speak at all. Respect each other.

Help with chores to earn things? They could choose their chores and if they don't do them, they lose out.

I'm no expert, god knows. But we had a brilliant speaker at our primary school pre-lockdown and these are some of her ideas. She also said 1:1 time with each child helps them feel valued/listened to- in normal times, a trip out or lunch out together- maybe now something together at home? It stops them resenting siblings .

That's probably no use, and waffly, but if it helps, that's good. Hope the weekend is better!

You might find that they eat more quickly when they’re not in the kitchen at the same time pissing around with each other. A timer could help. You’ve allocated an hour for breakfast so there’s scope for eating in shifts. What do they have?