Is being "nice" a way to long life?

[Makeitgoaway]

Obviously, it's no guarantee, bad things happen to good people but it seems to me, when people have survived to a reasonably healthy, active, very old age, they are "nice" people. Kind, cheerful people who have done their bit for others.

Obviously I'm thinking of Captain Tom but whenever you see people nearing their 100th birthday interviewed, they seem to be people who know how to make the best of things and stay cheerful.

Just thinking about him raises my spirits and I want to be him when I grow up. My DM for example has lead a very tumultuous life, has been a very problematic for everyone around her and you could easily imagine her dying screaming and dragging everyone down to hell with her . She was seen as a survivor, that is putting it politely. But without any "spiritual" interference, she has become the best person I know. If she sees someone struggling to pay at the checkout, she will offer to help pay, she helps out in the community and this week with only her state pension to live on, she bought a load of shopping to donate to the local food bank.
She radiates a totally different energy these days and I think it will help her to live a longer more "pleasant" life.

I'm not sure if it's about being 'nice' I think it's more about being able to value yourself and care about yourself. When you respect and value yourself you are more likely to want to reach out to others and spread kindness and good will. I've noticed that those who are bitter and jealous tend to be very inward looking and if they do 'give' to the world, it's through negativity and unpleasantness.

It's hard to say isn't it? I suppose no one is going to pay tribute to a centenarian by saying 'aye, he's a cantankerous sort' so even if these people were awful we'd never hear about it.

Most people are fairly ok really though, so the chances are high in any cross section of age groups that you'll get someone fairly pleasant.

I was nice for the majority of my life. Always kind and considerate, went out of my way to help others, put others before myself and would support anyone that needed it. It ended up with me being used and abused, walked all over repeatedly and treated like dirt. I now have issues with my MH and in the last few months have turned into someone angry and full of hate. I can’t take being nice just to be treated like crap anymore, I’ve made the active decision to stop caring about everyone but my children.

It’s maybe not the way to go, probably not the key to a happy long life. But it offers me more protection than being nice, and right now that’s perhaps the most important thing (for me).

There will be others that it works out for better though, there are some genuinely lovely people in this world that I truly hope have a life full of joy because they deserve it.

Healthy mind, healthy body. Healthy body, healthy mind.

I think I agree with @isabellerossignol
Also in my experience as a carer, you don't generally get old without a bit of attitude. So I'm inclined to think the opposite OP, sorry!

i think it's a balance. Being nice when you don't genuinely feel it is only going to lead to stress and shorten your life. Probably the secret lies with being assertive. I doubt Captain Tom suffers fools gladly.

I think being nice can make you a bit more content perhaps?
Carrying around a mean spirited attitude isn't going to be good for you.
You can be nice without being walked over though, that's not being nice it is perhaps being weak.
"Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.." and all that.
I love a bit of Al Capone.

Good God, no!

My experience has been the opposite.

IMO selfish people live longer, largely for the simple reason that they always put themselves first.

I’ve known very well two couples where the awkward, difficult one lived a lot longer than the long-suffering one, who would give in or just keep quiet, for the sake of P and Q. Both the long suffering ones died of cancer, which I am sure is relevant.

Nah, My 84 year old mother is a nasty venomous, banshee bitch from hell, always has been.

My mum is very elderly. She is very caring, very compassionate but she is absolutely no doormat. And she has an iron will, I'm sure it's sheer stubbornness that has seen her through

Hmmmm. I can think of plenty of old arseholes.

Surely quality of life is better than quantity? I wouldn’t say it’s about being ‘nice’ as such (agree I’ve seen too many people ground down by those who’ve taken advantage of them) but being a sunny, happy sort of person surely makes the time that you ARE alive much better. I’d also argue it’s better for your mental health which in turn lessens the chance of developing unhealthy behaviours - drinking, smoking, over eating, under exercising - to cope.

Nope. Tried that, just got walked all over.

I wish this was the case but having lost my beautiful sister in law at 49, I can’t agree. She had a huge heart and loved her family and friends unconditionally. One of the most humble, down to earth people you could ever meet. And definitely one of the kindest people I’d ever met.

I have a reaction to the word “nice” because I’ve come to associate the words and pressure to “be nice” as a something that distorts the healthy boundaries of women in particular.
I agree with what @TutorWoes said.
Maybe being kind, or showing kindness indicates agency whereas being nice, for me at least, is a passive state.

Sorry to split hairs.

I’ve noticed among older relatives and neighbours that the very hard working ones died younger and those that reached their 90s were better able to take it easy. But sometimes that was at the expense of hard working partners.

Nope. Think it's just down to luck, mostly.

No, it's down to genes, lifestyle and luck (in that order, IMO).

Regarding the long-lived being generally 'nice' people, I think that's down to the fact you'd simply never hear anything about the unpleasant ones because there's no one who'd care enough to draw attention to their achievements.

Yes, nice was the wrong word. I mean beign the sort of person who can see good in people and make the best of a bad situation, rather than being a pushover. Someone who finds it easy to be content with what they have rather than hankering for more.

If I think about all the nearly or over 90 years old individuals I’ve met, they all had/have a certain Cheerfulness about them, a positive attitude and nothing to do with being kind to others or nice. Some had a very easy life, some had difficult lives and none appeared to be the lazy sort. But it could also be that by that age most people mellow in a way and if they can still walk, talk, have their wits about them, they simply feel good about themselves and about life in general, perhaps they appreciate things more.

I don't think it's to do with 'being nice' and more to do with the stress levels you create yourself.

So yes, potentially having a 'good' attitude or even a 'don't give a fuck' attitude or even 'I don't understand' could help.

I have a reaction to the word “nice” because I’ve come to associate the words and pressure to “be nice” as a something that distorts the healthy boundaries of women in particular

Maybe being kind, or showing kindness indicates agency whereas being nice, for me at least, is a passive state.

Absolutely to this. 'Nice' is nothing that should be aspired to, in my opinion. Living well, having valuable work, taking care of yourself, having good boundaries, hopefully having enough goodwill to spare some for other people -- these are aspirations worth working towards. But no, I don't think there's any correlation between living well and living long.

There’s an awful lot of credible research that stress, anger and depression have a causal relationship with physical ill-health and shorter lifespan, so it would correlate that those who live longest might be people who weren’t prone to any of those things in life and that people who have negative mindsets and carry a lot of bitterness suffer from the associated poor physical health. I doubt it’s entirely matched, though.

I also think, as this thread demonstrates, there’s a tendency to confuse “nice” with being a doormat or a pushover or somebody who lacks boundaries. I don’t know why this is - the nicest people I know are nothing of the sort and have an awful lot of self-worth and good boundaries as well as just being entirely likeable, pleasant, cheerful people. Niceness isn’t about trying to make people like you or constantly trying to do good things - it’s just a covert attitude of respect and justice, doing good for its own reward, a lack of spite and an innate tendency to stand up for others. That sort of attitude will get you a long way in life and seeing the good in everything probably also motivates you to keep keeping on (again - credible research suggests that older people who are determined to stay alive for their friends or family or community recover better from illness.)

Yes, I agree Countess.

An example that has stuck with me. My DGM, later in life (not at 99 but she did have a long life) was one of the only one of her friends still driving. She was glad to be able to drive them all so they could still have their trips out.

MiL was the only one in her small friendship group who had a car and she begrudged it so much she stopped offering and ended up miserable with nowhere to go and no one to see. Perhaps her friends did lose interest when she was no longer of use to them but she lost out too.

I don't think DGM was a pushover, she was just happy to help and recognised she benefited too.