DP drinks too much, wwyd?

[Puddlejuice]

As the title suggests, my DP drinks too much, and I'm considering ltb over it.

We've 2 small children and all the intertwined lives, mortgage etc, that come with a family.

He's not a violent drunk or anything, but binge drinks, takes absolutely any opportunity to have a beer, and occasionally needs a "hair of the dog".

Despite all this he has a great job and provides a good life for us. The DC are unaffected by his drinking as I'm always sober and available.

I have lost all respect for him and actively avoid spending time alone with him.

Does anyone have any experience, either of a partner who stopped drinking, or of ending a relationship over it? Or conversely maybe I need to lighten up, as he's not doing any actual harm to anyone?

I’d have ended it well before children and certainly wouldn’t hesitate to end it now. I dislike drinking though and wouldn’t want that amount being seen from role models for children.

"I have lost all respect for him and actively avoid spending time alone with him."

LTB.

He won't change and you're unhappy. That won't change either.

Is he likely to change? Is it something you can discuss? If not, then this is how it's going to be, with health issues kicking in as a bonus as he ages.

I have a friend whose DH drinks excessively and who wishes she'd left at a much earlier stage. He's now in a terrible state, lost his job, it's ruined his relationships with his children and she feels she can't leave as his health is so bad (he's early 50s) and would feel too guilty to leave him alone. I think she should run for the hills with the kids so that she has a life away from this.

He's very unlikely to change. This has happened probably 10 times in our relationship, it escalates to an unacceptable level, there are crisis talks, he calms down drinking... It escalates again, there's another crisis, ad infinitum

He’s an alcoholic. Unless/until he acknowledges that fact and seeks help, nothing will change.

I had a partner who drank too much - would make any excuse get a drink, even popping into bars when we were running in the mornings, or when we were cycling. Every outing, meal, event, involved cocktails or wine. It just gets too much.

No answer I'm afraid OP, I wouldn't want to live with someone and expose my children to them if they were drinking as much as that. I expect your dc are affected though.

It sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship emotionally, he needs to help himself with this. It's a very sad and painful decline.

@AnnaNimmity that's exactly it, always chosing a restaurant rather than a cafe for lunch as they'll have alcohol, always going for the strongest lager / wine available, can't play golf without getting drunk after, it's just so bloody predictable and boring.

I was in that situation. My ex stopped drinking in theory 10 years ago ish.

He went to aa bit al I can explain is that he never seemed comfortable not drinking it was always a strain.

He would drink every 6/12 months and for me life became so stressful waiting for the next 'blip' as he put it. He was in a bale of handling stress so anything would cause him to want to drink. He also substituted with codeine so less obvious but obviously has its own issues.

We split 2 years ago and I have never been happier! It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders when he moved out.

I had checked out of the relationship long before anyway and should have done it much sooner.

DC may well be affected. My ex would be grumpy and short tempered with everyone and there was just a negative cloud hanging over the house. Again he never drank in front of them so they didn't 'see' it but pretty sure it affected them.

@Bollocksitshappenedagaim how do you manage when the dc stay with him, are you still anxious about him drinking?

He is still in his mums spare room so only ever sees them for a couple of hours at a time.

I did pretty much trust him drinking and driving - he would randomly get train into work which would obviously be why but Not long after we split I knew he was drinking as he would rant and rave at me and I refused to let him collect them as I didn't trust him.

To some extent I think he could not cope with 'life' if you want to put it that way and in his mums spare room there are no expectations of him - he's not working as off sick so he doesn't have to do anything at home or think about anyone other than himself!

He has no responsibilities at all - he hasn't seen dd in 5 weeks apart from to hand something over at door twice and hasn't even questioned it. I think it's just another responsibility he doesn't have to worry about now!

Since he left he says he misses them but doesn't really make it much of a priority to see them or do much with them

Your DC will eventually notice. Ask anyone who had a parent with a drink problem growing up. They will be aware that something isn’t right and eventually they’ll realise what it is.

Point taken @Yippity, trouble is we already have the children, they'll always see him whether we live together or not, would it be better to stay and try to manage the situation I wonder?

No

I ended my marriage over my OH's drinking. He started off like yours is now - able to work (I always worked too), still a decent parent, functioning. It didn't last - and it almost never does. His drinking escalated, the depression he was self medicating with drink got worse. I tried to carry on because we too had DCs - big mistake, I should have split from him two years before I actually did.

I ended up having him removed by the police because he threatened to kill me. He ended up in a flat on his own, lost his job and his right to remain in the UK once the divorce came through and in the end he died of heart disease 8 months after moving out. Still drinking to the last.

If you think it's unlikely he'll change, you need to end this now. He will only get worse and your DC will be affected. And honestly - life without an alcoholic in it is so much better.

@Puddlejuice

Do you think he would though? Free of the constraints of being at home and having to participate he may just let the drink win -would he stop drinking in good time to get up in the morning to see them or would they come second too it?

They will be in a much happier house for 10/12 days from 14 so I would say that's a better scenario.

That's true Bollocks about the happier house for 12 days out of 14, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Compared to some husbands you read about he's really not that bad, I keep flip flopping back and forth between wanting to leave as my future is mapped out being at the mercy of his drinking, and thinking "sure, he's not so bad, maybe it'll be OK".

I took a lot of courage to finally make the split and I did it because he had a drink while in sole charge of the children. That crossed a line.

But before it honestly I used to dread the thought of being with him for the rest of my life.......

Do you want another 30/40 years living like that?

It's hard to explain how much happier I am - I am not seeing anyone else and have no real interest in it.

The main thing is I used to get so resentful all the time. He worked part time but did bugger all at home - I was carrying all the metal load, worrying about all the bills (as he was always overdrawn so he was dipping into joint account) I did 90% of children work when I was at home.

Yes life is more complicated in some ways juggling work and children but actually it's far less stressful.