When a relationship starts becoming really good, I run. Why do I do this?!

[Dexteri]

I'm mid 30s and have had 2 long term relationships one after the other. The last one ending around 6 years ago. In hindsight, they were probably bit abusive.

Since then I've met a few guys where we've started dating, things aren't serious, everything is fun and great. Then at some point I start to feel the relationship is moving onto another, more deeper stage. Sometimes it's a feeling I just sense, another time it was the guy telling me he loves me etc.

Sounds great, only it isn't. I don't like it. I can't even explain what the heck is going on in my head but I end up breaking up with them. I've put it down to I don't think it's working/ we want different things etc.

It's only recently where this sort of thing has happened again ( not a bf but with a friend) where I just want to run away from the whole thing and I've realised it's a pattern I've fallen into. I don't know what's going on. I really want to make it work with him but I don't want to mess him about as I'll probably lose the friendship too.

Ive tried figuring it out. 'm not scared of committment, though it looks like that! I actually do want to settle down and would love nothing more. All the men have been really nice, very respectful, lovely people. I've kept in touch with all of them as I've got along with them so well.

Any armchair psychologists want to work out what's going on?! Or can anyone relate?

Bump!

Anyone?

Fear?

Fear of being happy...

Masochistic equilibrium?

www.notsalmon.com/2012/10/17/why-people-self-sabotage-their-happiness/

Armchair pulled up at the ready.

I'm not scared of committment, though it looks like that! It does indeed.

I actually do want to settle down and would love nothing more. But when it comes to it, you run. So either you know these partners aren’t right for you, or you’re frightened to commit to them. The two previous men you were in relationships with were ‘safe’ to be with because you knew they were never going to commit properly to you or treat you properly, which is why you didn’t need to run away.

Are your parents happily married?

Don't know but I recognise this behaviour in me, so interesting to see what others think.

BSintolerant omg! That article! I had to read a couple of times and I'm going to read it several more times. It makes a lot of sense to me. I bloody self sabotage! I didn't even see it like that.

My childhood was a bit shit. I felt like a second class citizen in my own home. Don't want to get into the details but the result is I have very very low self esteem. I essentially dislike myself. Alot.

The men I've recently seen are so different to my long term relationship partners. They're so much more kinder, nicer, so much more caring and i ask myself how long will this last. It's just little things that I'll notice which make me uncomfortable and I didn't know why. They would be sweet things they did.

It's all linked to how I feel about myself, my past, how I've been treated before in relationships and what I think I deserve I guess. These guys are too nice for what I'm used to and it makes me anxious and I run. It's fucking mental.

Thank you. I knew MN would be helpful.

OP it sounds like you have an avoidant attachment style. You are comfortable all the time you can exit a relationship with no hurt, but when you get close to someone you find excuses to end it or to persuade them to end it. Some people will start acting badly or even cheat just so they can get dumped because they are so scared/uncomfortable being close to someone.

If you've been in 2 abusive relationships could it because you're scared of being in that situation again? Have you recieved counselling? Maybe that would be an Avenue you could consider?

It could be down to a whole lot of different things. I end up going around in circles asking myself “Why do I do that?” The minute I think I’ve found the answer, another one comes along which is equally plausible, followed by another, then something else! Knowing how to change the way you’re reacting to certain situations is the key. Of course, different things work for different people.