Crazy guilt over morning after pill

[Arania]

Hi, I am feeling very upset after taking the morning after pill and wondered about others’ perspective.

Background is I’ve desperately wanted to be a mum for years but had lots of physical health problems then my marriage ended in my late 30s. Despite that it was hard to give up on the dream of being a mother. Started dating someone new, stupidly managed to miss a few pills on different weeks last month. I then realise there is at least a small chance I could be pregnant and I begin to panic because whilst I do desperately want to be a mother, and I’m already in my late 30s, I had begun to realise that things were going to end with the person I was dating and that he maybe wasn’t a very nice guy. But most of all I panicked because when the reality of possibly being pregnant hit, I realised I was too unwell to care for a child especially as a single mother with an insufficient time supportive ex.

As a result of this panic I think about taking the morning after pill but am concerned about doing it because I have always been quite uncomfortable with the idea of ending a conception. I am very very very pro-abortion rights for women in general as it’s an entirely personal choice and completely subjective. But had always thought this was something I personally would find it difficult to deal with. obviously the morning after pill is not an abortion but my understanding is the research around its mechanism of action is uncertain and they can’t fully rule out that it prevents implantation of an early embryo. Whilst this is not technically a pregnancy, it is postconception so I personally am not comfortable with stopping this (I realise this is a fringe view and most people would be fine with it which I understand).

Eventually I become so panicked that I just take it. After a few days I became overcome with guilt.

Obviously the chance that I was even pregnant in the first place in my late 30s with a few missed pills more than seven days prior were pretty low, Probably under 1% percent. Yet this doesn’t seem to help, I am still overcome with remorse

Even if you actively got rid of a blastocyst, which you didn't, why would that make you feel guilty?

Same reason as some women feel guilty after an abortion. It is a life, in theory. It has all the blueprint for a specific person, crossover of DNA. I mean a very early abortion is similarly just a ball of cells. My literal, black and white brain is going 1)If there was any possibility of this happening there is culpability 2) The only difference between this and an early abortion is just a number of cell division

Again to say I do not of course judge any woman who has had an abortion as I think it is entirely subjective how a person views it. I wish I could view it as others do and I would never want the crazy antiabortionists to have their way.

My friend said to me, you are literally destroying yourself over a tiny ball of cells that 99.5% did not exist whereas you are a full grown person.. And that’s true

I always felt quite strongly about not wanting an abortion or to otherwise destroy anything after contraception. but the gynaecologist poster who said that there is a link with crazy biological clocks is most definitely right

Conception not contraception

OP, you also step on ants without even realising it. They were alive too.

Sex always carries a risk of pregnancy even with birth control, so for your own sake take a break from sex, and think about having some counselling.

An unimplanted blastocyst is just a blastocyst. It's not a pregnancy, therefore it can't be aborted. It's a potential pregnancy, as many blastocysts don't implant for one reason or another. Couldn't you argue that an egg also has the potential to become a pregnancy, and by employing any contraception method at all you're preventing that potential? Which is all you do if you prevent a blastocyst from implanting.

I don't think any science exists that will adequately reassure you that you've not prevented a blastocyst from implanting- I don't think we know enough about the mechanism yet for 100% proof (and tbh that very rarely exists anyway). I'm wondering if perhaps, as a scientifically minded person, you ought to focus your energies on challenging whatever beliefs make you feel guilty about the situation?

Quite so @Thelnebriati. I think this whole sex thing is more trouble than it’s worth. I had been left with a great deal of pain with sex after mesh surgery and it was, in fact, one of the first times I had had sex in many years. Ironically. Hence being out of practice with pill adherence And general contraceptive responsibility. Ridiculously, as I was very responsible in my teens and 20s

I try not to Captain Skippy, but they aren’t blueprints for people. I’m aware it’s silly

No, I’m aware I can’t gain certainty on the science, though it’s interesting to discuss

I have heard that the legal definition of pregnancy was changed from conception to implantation possibly partly in association with the fact that hormonal contraception could stop implantation, although that could be a rumour put about by the religious right

Yes that’s an interesting way of looking at it as it’s obviously inherently ridiculous to consider egg or spam as wasted. Now I just have that Monty Python song in my head. I don’t know why I feel differently about it. I guess and egg or a sperm is a blueprint for a person whereas once they have combined… That is a blueprint for a person with certain traits

Sperm not spam. Different Monty Python song

I’m trying very hard to challenge my own beliefs on the situation, the ones that make me feel guilty. I guess that’s why I thought even a thread on mumsnet would be interesting as you always get some diverse views. Talked about it with a lot of women I know IRL. Still can’t quite talk my brain out of feeling guilty

Remember that feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty. I think that as women we're conditioned to feel guilty about an awful lot, whether or not we actually have anything to feel guilty about, or any control over the situation at all. Feeling guilty for having too much sex or not enough, for having kids, for not having kids, for having only one, for having more than one, for concentrating on our careers, for being a home-maker.... It's never-ending. And it doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong.

Yes @Broohaha You are so right that there is lots of guilt for women and that includes around sex. It was a huge issue for me that it became too painful and I was trying my best to get around it.

And feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty and this is also very wise. But it brings me back to the issue of subjectivity, how I a woman feels about abortion or any kind of interference with conception is entirely subjective. If I could just persuade myself not to feel guilty about this that would be great

If I could just persuade myself not to feel guilty about this that would be great

Well, that's a good goal for you, but I don't think anyone can realistically do this for you. If you're determined that you feel guilty about this, nothing we can say will alter that- it's an internal problem and really something for you to resolve yourself, probably with help from professionals. I wish you luck with that moving forward. And if you feel suicidal again, please do contact the Samaritans for support.

All the best

Yes again you're quite right, but it's been interesting to hear others' perspectives on it