Separated after an affair - do i address sex from years ago? Possibly upsetting, description of unpleasant sex experience

[user1471476188]

Long time lurker however feeling very stuck so thought I would ask for the first time! Tried to keep things brief but failed sorry!

Been with partner almost 7 years since I was 18. Home together but no kids. Started an affair with a colleague, we were very attracted to each other physically and personality. At the same time and prior I had been struggling with my partners temper and at times negative behaviour. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and trapped but felt unable to address it because I didn't want to upset him/have the massive arguments that would always happen if I said I was unhappy.

I have since admitted to the affair, broken up with my partner, moved back in with my parents and stopped seeing other man. My ex is devastated and says he forgives me and wants to be back together. I don't know what the right thing to do is. He is currently having therapy and has suggested I need to deal with self-esteem/body issues I have.

I've had a lot of time to think and have been in turmoil about my behaviour. I have always been very closed as a person and struggle to show emotion. I'm ashamed of how needy and desperate I am for male attention. I appeased my ex constantly which led to resentment. I loved the other mans attention to the point of distraction etc. and I keep coming back to stupid behaviour from the past were I went along with things for attention that weren't for the best. I feel pathetic that I do/have done this and have felt revulsion and a sense of shame towards myself and body for years now.

The first occasion is when i was 16 and at a party, I was still a virgin. The friend of a boy who had fingered me at a previous party was there and took me to a bedroom. I gave him a blow job. He walked me home and then half way back in a dark road he tried to have sex with me which I said no to. He went down on me and bit me so hard I had black bruising and swelling in the shape of his teeth on my labia, I had bleeding from where he fingered me and numerous bite marks on my body. I gave him another blow job and then walked home on my own in a bra and shorts. Him and his friend called me easy etc. and i had a reputation because of it. I laughed the experience off.

Later when I was 17 I was walking to a club during a night out with a friend and some men invited us into their flat. I was very drunk, one was interested in me and handsome, i drunk a lot of vodka and I wanted to sleep with him. My friend went home and I stayed. It was fine for the most part but he pushed me into more aggressive sex that I felt uncomfortable with and anal etc. One of his friends kept forcibly coming into the room and trying to touch me have sex with me also. They were shouting and arguing in another language so I didn't know what was happening, a third man would occasionally come in and try to get involved. I became aware that I was drunk, naked and alone in a room with three large men in their mid 20's. The first man continued to have sex with me and the second man for the most part just watched. He tried to corner me when I went to the toilet but that was it. I left the next morning and again laughed about it with my friends as a fun one night stand. The reality was I was bruised and had bleeding and didn't have sex with anyone until 18 months late when I met my ex.

I don't know why I keep going back to these things from years ago. I thought to be honest they didn't mean anything to me and I wonder if I'm being selfish trying to look for excuses for my current behaviour because i can't live with the reality that I'm just a bad person for what I've done. I keep wondering why I put myself in these situations and what's wrong with me that I do so. I feel like I need to be able to move past this before I know how to continue with my life either single or to get back with my ex. If I do get back with my ex should he know about this? Sorry this is not very coherent and I don't really know what I want from it. I suppose I've just never told anyone and need to know what they were and if they were important and if they are things I such still even be thinking about especially when so much else is going on and my ex is so devastated and I've hurt him so much. I should be devastated and sorry for him and instead I'm thinking about myself. Sorry for the graphic sex details, I just wanted to be honest and clear about what happened so people can judge.

I think you need to consider some counselling to talk about this. I have also done similar stupid things for attention when younger and occasionally think about them but am able to put it behind me and continue with my life with regret but no guilt.

I think you’re really brave for posting and I’m sorry you were treated so badly in the past. Well done for being honest with yourself about your need for male attention-that’s certainly worth exploring through therapy and so is working through those historic events which make you feel ashamed. As PP says many of us did, or had things done to us, which leave us feeling uncomfortable but you don’t want them to stop you moving forward. Good luck.

My heart aches fir you just reading this. You gace been very courageous in yiir honesty here.
Please know that we all have a past, regrets, done things we wished we hadn't. Your past is just that. You seem to have a need to understand your choices euthun these to encounters. I am reading about a vulnerable very young girl who quite frankly was taken advantage of. You may have consented to a point but you never consented to being treated like dirt making you "feel" like a "bad" person. YOU ARE NOT BAD!!
You deserve one respect and kindness the same as everyone else. I suspect your need for attention from men is vimjng from a need to be loved and wanted, perhaps an area in your life/childhood that this has been missing?
Absolutely access counselling...work in your self worth and self esteem. You WILL learn to like and love yourself. Take it from someone who knows

I would also really urge you to seek some counselling for what happened to you. You are also under no moral obligation to tell your ex about these things. In any case, I would discuss it with a counsellor first.

On the two occasions you mentioned, you were sexually assaulted. The first one bit you and left you bruised - that is not something you can easily forget or get over. The second one, you were too drunk to consent and man 2 and 3 had no business being anywhere near you.

They aren't excuses for anything, they are times you were hurt and vulnerable and quite rightly they have had an effect on you.

I don't think your ex needs to know this. This is your experience and you should work through your own feelings on it - you don't need his (unless you are 100% he won't use it against you and will be supportive) and given the reason you have split up, I'm not sure you can be certain of that.

Lastly, you're not needy or attention seeking. You were Young, naive and these things happened because you were unable to say no.
It's important to realise you were at risk in each scenario and fighting, running away (flight) and freezing are all 'normal' responses. Not shouting no or fighting kept you from further harm.

Your choice isn't "go back to ex" or "be single forever" ya know.

The fact you can't imagine many options for your future is a warning sign that your MH is not great right now. Definitely not the right time to get into a relationship with ex or anyone else. Try looking after yourself for a bit. Try getting to know yourself a bit. You are not a bad person. Who told you you were? Were your parents critical? Unravel that stuff a bit and get to know who you really are away from those negative voices.

I'm sorry for what you've experienced, and agree counselling might be good as it doesn't sound like you are at peace with things.

Don't go back with your ex. His temper and "negative behaviour", plus the rather controlling way he has amassed issues he wants you to address don't speak of someone kind, warm and loving. I'm also going to go out on a limb here and suggest you might have been less closed and more faithful with a partner who didn't have problems with his temper.

You deserve more. Good luck.

You've been abused sweetheart, I'd try and have some therapy when life gets back to normal.

You're brave posting details, you were young and abused, it's not your fault.

Give the relationships a rest until you're in a good place, best wishes

Yes, while you were young and inexperienced you were unable to protect yourself from some nasty and abusive people. You were assaulted.

As a pp says, don't consider getting back with your ex. He's not someone who is going to help you recover, he's more interested in what he wants.

You may want to do the freedom programme. It will help you protect yourself better in future.

All sorts of things have contributed to what you have been through, and it's worth taking a little time to work things out.