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My husband does not satisfy my needs

12 replies

KatD7 · 13/04/2020 13:39

He hasn’t been brought up in a very loving family environment. He’s been brought up around alcohol in a hard working family. Like them he is quite selfish and short tempered.
Blames others for everything instead of taking responsibility.
I don’t like to ask him to do things around my house as everything is a huge effort and he just cracks the shits when doing something. He gets annoyed so easily.
A big issue is that he does not make any effort to satisfy me sexually as much as I’ve discussed with him, shown him and tried. He says he’s sorry but does nothing about it. I love getting him off in different ways and he physically turns me on. I’m quite sexual and experienced as 9 years older but he has no stamina. He has never made me orgasm in six years. He lasts one minute if I’m lucky. I feel like we don’t emotionally and physically connect.
I have this bizarre strongest attachment to him although I’ve left him 10 times to return upon his perseverance. We have a lot in common and I’m really attracted to his looks, image and personality. I do however go in cycles where it’s all good, things improve, then I realise that shit isn’t great and then I leave. We don’t live together as I love having my own space and home. This works for us although is unconventional. My first husband was emotionally abusive so I have found my strength and need my independence.
I spoke to him tonight yet again about me not being satisfied. He yells “for fuck sake I was going to get that stuff” referring to the tablets to delay ejaculation but was costly and I was worried about safety. I explained he could use his hands etc and make some effort and that I was sick of masturbating. I told him I feel like he doesn’t care about me as I talk to him about it and he just gets on the defensive and angry. He fumbles around when manually ‘stimulating’ me and rarely gives me oral.
Argh I don’t want to be in an unsatisfied marriage yet I love him. His selfishness is obviously not going to change though sadly.
He has made no effort with his son. Has not seen him for weeks and not for Easter. I told him he should buy him an Easter egg and go see him but he didn’t. So sad. No effort with his daughter either. Just occasional phone calls. He has no relationship with his children whatsoever and that’s his choice as mothers have never got in the way.
My children are my world. Every single day. My first priority. He absolutely loves my children but how can a father not want to see his children??
He told me he doesn’t like my life decisions at the moment as I’m going to quit work as 20 years of teaching and being in a workplace dealing with a bully boss has taken its toll. I’ve applied for an online job but according to him to work in a job on the computer is being lazy. Last night because I asked him to come kiss me when he got home and he didn’t want to reach right across the table to do so he called me a control freak. He snores loudly and has taken up smoking again which I’m finding the smell offensive. I have remained off them. Far out these complaints are extensive. Sorry for the rant and if you got this far thanks for reading. Advice is greatly appreciated please from an outsiders perspective. 😊😘

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 13/04/2020 13:42

Confused Hmm

LolaSmiles · 13/04/2020 13:46

If you're not happy then surely it's over.
Right now with all this back and forth he knows he doesn't have to change as you won't really leave.
Only you can decide.

KatD7 · 13/04/2020 13:48

Sometimes I’m blissfully happy then bam it all hits me. I think I put my needs aside and try not to overthink it but then I get back to reality. I’ve been apart from him for 5 months on one occasion. Effort in his part seems short lived.

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Nitpickpicnic · 13/04/2020 14:05

Go and get yourself a good therapist. Online there are some great ones. Figure out yourself a bit more clearly, only then can you construct useful boundaries that don’t wax and wane like the moon. At the moment he just needs to wait for the moon to change and you’ll be ‘fine’ and blissful for a while. He has no real motivation to change, you have no clear view of your needs and the push to leave. You have taught him not to take you seriously.

I, for one see your lack of even basic sexual satisfaction as a real reason to go. Stop waiting for him to care enough to change. Go find someone to enjoy and cherish the sensual deserving woman that you are!

ihatethecold · 13/04/2020 14:11

Oh op.

What would you say if a friend said all you just have in your op?

He sounds lazy and uncaring.
He is showing you who he is and you are not listening.
He won’t change, why should he.

I would also be worried that he is using porn to get off.

chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 14:17

you have left him 10 times for a very good reason.

You really do deserve better than this. Please don't waste any more precious time with this excuse for a partner.

bluebell34567 · 13/04/2020 14:19

agree with ihatethecold.
also, do you think there is someone else?

KatD7 · 13/04/2020 14:23

Thank you..this really hit home for me. I have been getting counselling for many years as my wellbeing suffered after first marriage and have only just really learnt self love and respect. You are right in explaining like the waxing moon! I need to be clear on my life desires and deserve to be fulfilled. Thank you so much nitpickpicnic 🙏😘
Thank you too ihatethecold
I can see in what you’re saying about him never changing. I keep taking him back and he still doesn’t make an effort. I’m fucking so stupid really.
He does use porn sometimes. I do too..it’s the only way I get satisfaction with my vibrator 😜

OP posts:
KatD7 · 13/04/2020 14:25

Yes true..I have left him and it’s like this switch flicks and I’m back with him again. This bizarre draw to him. No I don’t think he’s with anyone take. I really do trust him. He wouldn’t have the energy lol.

OP posts:
Quarantimespringclean · 13/04/2020 14:40

You are not doing your D.C. any favours constantly splitting up and reuniting with this man. He’s in their life one week, gone the next and a few weeks later he’s back again. It’s unsettling for them and could make them very insecure. That’s not making them your priority or putting them first. Quite apart from setting a very bad example of what a loving and committed adult relationship relationship looks like.

I also think the fact that you choose not to share a home with your DH speaks volumes about your trust in him and your commitment to a life with him.

WineOrWhine · 13/04/2020 14:43

So let me check I’ve got this right.

He’s shut in bed, he’s shut at doing stuff around the house, he’s a poor excuse for a parent, he shouts at you, he snores, he smokes and he undermines you, but he looks hot?

Wow! Lucky you.

I couldn’t be bothered, but you’ve returned to him ten times so he’s never going to change or improve because he knows you’ll return.

Sorry op, I really am, but I’d be starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of mental cruelty. But you won’t.

KatD7 · 13/04/2020 14:54

I always put my children first being a main reason why I don’t live with him. I can see what you’re saying though and I know this goes unsettle them when we seperate and re-unite.
Wine or whine I love your bluntness here..thank you. Can you please clarify where he undermines me and mental cruelty example? I’ve got rose coloured glasses on 😬

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