I’ve spent hours looking through these threads trying to find what I’m looking for, or even what it that might be so this might go on for a while!
I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. I have a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and we have a one year old together. We have a large 4 bedrooms house and both work relatively well paid jobs.
About 4 years ago I became pregnant (unexpected) at the time there was just the three of us in a 2 bedroom apartment. It was still very big and over 2 floors and I was honestly happy to be pregnant even though we had a ‘plan’ needless to say he was less so. I was determined that I was having my baby. Three times he convinced me to book a termination and each time I broke down and backed out. I was already planning in my head and waiting for my baby. I had my 12 weeks scan without him knowing and had been seeing the midwife. My partner continued to talk as though the termination had happened and eventually around the 15 week mark he completely broke down and told me i was ruining all of our lives. I couldn’t stand seeing him like that and felt I would have done anything to stop it. I booked another termination, under general anaesthetic using the VA option. At 16 weeks I drove myself to the clinic because he couldn’t take anymore time off work. The whole way I prayed he’d tell me not to. I told him I’d never forgive him but I arrived and went through with it. I’ve regretted it every day since and developed a drinking problem that still nobody realises, going through a minimum of a bottle of wine every day. Usually a few at lunch. When I got pregnant again I was scared to tell him in case it happened again even though this was planned, I became resolute that at even the suggestion I would leave. Fortunately not.
I asked him to get a vasectomy after our daughter was born but he doesn’t want to as he doesn’t know if he’s ready to make that decision yet? Now I’m pregnant again. Completely unplanned but it happened. He wants me to terminate and honestly I booked an appointment, I had the assessment but I couldn’t go back for the procedure. I told him the appointments are delayed because of the current situation and I’m now 11 weeks but he thinks I’m going next week when really I have my 12 week scan. I know I can’t terminate again. I had some unbelievably dark thoughts last time and the only thing that stopped me was knowing I could never leave my daughter or cause her any sort of pain like that.
How do I start again on my own with a teenager, a 1 year old and what will be a newborn?? We have a joint mortgage on the house but the deposit was entirely his and I signed paper work that confirms I’m not entitled to a penny of it (very willingly as I have no interest in his money) the bulk of the income is his and I could never afford it on my own but I don’t think I have enough savings or equity to buy alone. Especially with three children. The rental market is so much more expensive than I would pay in a mortgage. My friends and family don’t have the space to house us.
I think I fell out of love with him 4 years ago when I terminated my baby and I was under the delusion it would be ok and once I was ‘over it’ we’d be fine. To really put the nail in the coffin I found he was texting another woman after our daughter was born. Telling her how unhappy he is and how he needed someone like her. I Confronted him and he apologised. Said he just felt all my attention was on the baby and he got lost in the flattery of the attention from someone else. I know I can’t stay with him but how do I leave without giving my children everything they need? This isn’t just financial. How do I get off the ground? And mostly how do I cope with no emotional support in a time like this?
Thanks in advance x