Do you mean what you say in an argument?

[Cobourg]

Just that, really.

Had a huge row with DH last week where I told him to fuck off. Not proud of that. He then told me he wanted to end the relationship and that I was just like my (abusive, violent alcoholic) DM and that if I’d sworn at him once I’d probably turn into an abuser as well.

For context it’s the first time in 15 years I’ve sworn at him and it was just out of sheer frustration with his refusal to listen. I apologised, a few times. So has he for what he said but I cant help but feel like complete shit that he would really want to leave over something so minor or that he would have such a low opinion of me.

He has been apologetic since and said he didn’t mean what he said but I feel so rejected and shit and can’t get past it

That’s why I never have arguments. And I would never swear at actual human being in real life or online despite the fact that I swear a fair bit when I talk to friends.
Saying something in the heat of the moment can be very upsetting for both parties and can never be unsaid.
If you feel so reject by what he said despite his apologies, it is fair to assume he feel very hurt by you swearing directly at him perhaps thinking you don’t value or respect him very much. So I don’t see how your swearing is something minor especially as it’s the first time it happened.

I want to add that I am sorry you are feeling so low about his reaction and that you are hurting so much. Tell him how you feel. He probably feels the same. I hope you can work pass this together.

At the time I should think that, yes, that is what it felt like. He felt threatened by what you said to him - as many people would. The fact that you have said it hasn't happened before, adds to that - it means he would have been scared by the change in you.
So yes, it is likely that at the time that is absolutely what he felt, and meant.
However, that doesn't mean that, since things have calmed down and he's had time to think, that he doesn't now think differently.

I doubt there’s a person alive who hasn’t said something they don’t mean in an argument.

Telling someone to fuck off when you’re at your wits end is not abusive. Your husband wants to get a grip quite frankly. His reaction is utterly ridiculous given it’s the first time in fifteen years.

I’ve never said anything I haven’t meant in an argument and I’d be deeply upset if my husband shouted at me to fuck off. My ex was fond of shouting abuse at me and I’m not putting up with that again.

You hurt his feelings, he hurt yours. You’re both probably upset and have apologised. Was the cause of the argument resolved?

Telling someone to fuck off when you’re at your wits end is not abusive.

In your opinion

The fact that it’s the first time in 15 years means that they don’t usually communicate with anger and shouted swear words so he might absolutely find it abusive.

Agree @JustinMyJustin

To be honest, telling someone to fuck off in the heat of the moment is nowhere near as bad as responding to that by comparing them to their violent, abusive, alcoholic parent.

Should clarify - imo telling someone to fuck off is abusive (but not necessarily indicative of an abusive relationship), however once in 15 years does not justify his completely disproportionate response.

I only ever say things I mean, and I assume other people mean what they say as well. DP says that's my problem