Why do I scare off men?

[MeltingNow]

First off, I'm a single (lone) working mother to two DSs. Two years down the line from a very unhappy, dwindling marriage. Had no real initimacy for years and there was DV from ex.

So, I dated this guy for a few weeks a few months back. He said he felt under qualified for me because 1) I'm strong willed and very confident 2) I dont appear to need a man for anything 3) I'm a very beautiful woman. Apparently. Whether these things are true is open to interpretation. I get that.

Roll on, I get a message on Tinder from what turns out to be a lovely guy, who also has kids and has common interests. He invites me to a music gig with all his mates there. Have sort of kept in contact via social media - he added me after asking first.

Turns out he now has a girlfriend. Fine, I that doesn't bother me, it wasn't to be. Moving on...

However, I am starting to question myself, whether there is something I am unwittingly doing that makes men unwilling to get involved/stick around? And if there is, I'd like to examine this further because I'd like to find a human connection and companion for the long run.

Dont get me wrong, I do love my own company and my own space and doing what the hell I want... it's just got me thinking...

Thanks for getting this far and reading.

I don’t see how you’ve formed the idea you ‘scare off men’. ONE man said you were out of his league (apparently because you weren’t a wet lettuce), and a second man added you on Tinder but turns out to have a girlfriend. No mention of you being ‘scary’.

Where have you got this idea from?

I would try not to worry about this. I know that's easier said than done sometimes. I remember someone saying something like this to me many years ago (not very nicely) and it got to me at the time, but the fact is, who wants a man who's that easily put off? You could see it as having a really good, built-in, filter system!

None of this would be a problem with a man who is a good match for you.

@Dilisk sorry, meant to add the first one also said he felt 'a little intimidated' by because of 1, 2 and 3. In retrospect, turns out he wasn't so nice after all.

Second guy I've assumed he only formed a thing with what a appears to he a girlfriend, after messaging me on Tinder. So during that period of time, we had been messaging and met up once....

I have a good sense of humour, am able to be lighthearted and make small talk, but also enjoy deep conversation and am passionate about the things I care about, and wonder if that could be something that men dont want? They want a woman they can mold to their liking, which makes me think I'll be single for the unforeseeable because I'm not about to shrink myself for anybody.

@SandAndSea yes, my mother has said similar - that there are men out there who won't be put off. I've always felt like I don't fit in, that I'm a bit quirky. For a while now I've strongly suspected that I might have Aspergers.

I dunno.

The first man was a complete dick. Who wants someone who wants to take you as raw material and mould you? Totally YUK.

The second was just a tiresome dick 🙄

You're gorgeous. You want someone who agrees, who finds you endlessly fascinating and can never get enough. That's what you want and what you deserve.

Forget the wastes of space. Honestly, they're ten a penny

Whether or not you're aspergers is neither here nor there. I've also always thought I'm different but that's because I'm fucking amazing

@springydaff yeah, I think that too. I am friggin amazing. And maybe that's what intimidates, but I don't plan on changing myself for anyone ever.

I deserve someone who loves, adores, respects and cherishes me for me - inside and out.

Thanks, needed that.

@MeltingNow - You're sounding even more like me. I've been with my DP many years now but I remember I even asked him if he found me intimidating and he laughed out loud and said, "Yes, right!" The very idea was ridiculous to him.

I don't think you can assume anything from a liaison with just 2 men. If I've learnt anything over the last few decades (happily married now) Never ever change to please someone. Someone will love you for who you are. Think of all the husbands you know who have a partner who loves them but you just can't why. Some people will just not get you, but hopefully you'll eventually meet someone who will.
I personally would have very little respect for a man who was intimidated by me and wanted to be 'needed' by a 'helpless' women. I am happy to be with someone who admires a feisty, strong woman.

but also enjoy deep conversation and am passionate about the things I care about, and wonder if that could be something that men dont want? They want a woman they can mold to their liking, which makes me think I'll be single for the unforeseeable because I'm not about to shrink myself for anybody.

Not in my experience, as an argumentative, well-read woman with multiple postgraduate degrees and a lack of interest in conventionally feminine self-presentation.

Honestly, OP, I think you're extrapolating too much from very limited data here. For me, I would say that a bigger risk for you would be the kind of passive, lazy man who wants you to mould him, and adoringly adopts all of your interests and hobbies and friends, and you only realise after a while that he was a blank sheet since he shed the friends, interests etc of his last girlfriend and before he met you. If you stay together he will live within your world, and if you break up, he will go back into neutral mode until someone else comes along to give his life definition.