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Original poster

Think I’m pregnant, unplanned

30 replies

Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 13:14

DH and I had sex a couple of weeks ago. Probably the second time since DS was born 14 months ago Blush we used a condom but it came off. Got the morning after pill but it was bang on ovulation date. Since the birth of our youngest I’ve suggested to DH that he gets the snip as I don’t want to use contraception.
I want another baby, this has been no secret. DH doesn’t and this is no secret either.
I’ve been very tired the last few days and had sore boobs. I did a test this morning and can see a faint line.
Under normal circumstances I’m sure I’d be quite excited but due to the Coronavirus I’m scared.
DH has said we seriously need to consider abortion. Both previous births were traumatic. But I won’t even consider it. Am I out of order?

OP posts:
SeperatedSwans · 10/04/2020 13:32

Nobody is "out of order" in these scenarios, both parties have an opposing but valid view.

However, what this boils down to is your body your choice. Like many situations in life somebody has to win and somebody has to loose, there is no compromise to be had in this situation.

Whilst you can respect your DH viewed he does not get to dictate the choices you make with your own body, and he will unfortunately just have to come to terms with that.

Do what you want with your body. This pandemic will pass, as will the frustration of the situation your DH is experiencing.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 13:55

thanks separated. He thinks I’m dismissing the fact he’s going to be anxious up to and until the birth is over. I’m not. But I’m realistic about how I’d feel forever about terminating a wanted baby. It’s still very new though so perhaps I need to give us both some time to think on it.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 10/04/2020 13:59

You are not unreasonable to refuse to terminate a pregnancy that you want to keep. He needs to take responsibility for his sperm and get the snip if he doesn't want any more kids.

SeperatedSwans · 10/04/2020 14:00

I think space is a great idea to allow him to explore his own emotions but also reassurance form eachother is paramount.

You are a partnership support each others anxiety and worries, which I'm sure you both share, when you delve in to the issue together, united.

Don't argue or fret over what could have been done, should have been done, move forward together on how to help eachother come to terms with another child and the personal worries you both have about it.

You'll be ok, you won't be the first family to grow unexpectedly or unplanned, and you won't be the last. Take care of yourself and eachother OP.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 14:50

Yes Codename that’s kind of what I’ve been saying to him for months.

Thanks again seperated. You sound very wise. Are you a counsellor? Your response is very calming!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/04/2020 14:56

Of course you're not being out of order. You used a condom and took the morning after pill. You hardly tricked him into getting you pregnant. It was a genuine contraception failure. Not your fault at all. How on earth could he ask you to get an abortion when you actually want to keep the baby?! He's the one being out of order. What did he say when you suggested that he gets a vasectomy? He's had 14 months since the birth of your youngest, what's been stopping him?

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 15:06

Another he’s said he was worried about it being sore and having long term pain afterwards. I know, I know.
There was def no tricking involved, I even warned him I was mid cycle!! But you’re right, it was a genuine failure. I even warned that the morning after pill probably wouldn’t work but went along to get it anyway.

I think he’s very scared. And his fear is manifesting in panic and unreasonableness

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/04/2020 15:09

So you've already gone through pregnancy and childbirth twice, and now he expects you to get an abortion - which is not a walk in the park either - because he was worried about "being sore" Hmm I understand there is a small risk of long-term pain but it pales in comparison to the risks that mothers go through.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 18:33

Yes Emma that’s right. I do feel for him and I understand his fear but we can’t undo what’s been done! I guess he just never considered this scenario

OP posts:
Addler · 10/04/2020 18:55

Is his only reason for not wanting the baby his fears over your previous births?
Perhaps some counselling and a birth debriefing would help him? Are you planning on having a ELCS this time, if you didn't previously? If you can show him some information around that he'll see that it's a very different ball game to a traumatic vaginal delivery or EMCS.

bumblebeefairy · 10/04/2020 18:57

Codename encapsulated my thoughts perfectly.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 19:02

Addler yes, that and having a baby during/following a pandemic.
Yes would be ELCS this time, probably a few weeks before due date. First was a vaginal delivery, big haemorrhage, treated for sepsis. Followed by multiple smaller haemorrhages at home then readmitted for surgery.
Second was EMCS for failure to progress after reaching 10cm quickly then nothing...the incision was made between the cervix and vagina and then the incision tore causing massive bleeding. Then followed 2 weeks later by readmission for IV antibiotics due to infection.
Sooooo you can kinda see why he’s concerned. I am absolutely not dismissing his concerns but these were 2 separate problems, could have happened to anyone and there’s no underlying link/cause.
Great idea though, some counselling might help.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/04/2020 19:06

God, after all that he doesn't want a vasectomy Angry

CodenameVillanelle · 10/04/2020 19:07

It's pretty appalling that he didn't want a vasectomy because he was worried about pain after everything you've been through

Addler · 10/04/2020 19:11

God you poor thing, you've had some terrible times.

An ELCS is so, so different to an emergency one. It's a very calm environment, very relaxed, and I've worked with many women who have said it's been a wonderful experience compared to their traumatic births.

I'm pregnant as well, so know the fears around pregnancy during this time, but hopefully some counselling for him will help and you have a smooth pregnancy and a much much easier birth than the last two times! Thanks

And then he can get the bloody snip too after everything you've been through, unless you want a tubal ligation done at the same time as your CS. But you've had enough medical procedures regarding bearing children for a lifetime!

Starksforthewin · 10/04/2020 19:14

God, I was thinking, after all that and you still don’t want an abortion? Why would you risk your health/body going through childbirth again when you already have two children?
In your shoes I would be getting sterilised.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 10/04/2020 19:38

ThanksAddler I have also heard that about ELCS in comparison to EMCS. The consultant has also said that given my experience before they would look to do additional growth scans and early section. I mean I suppose that might change with current issues but I do have trust in their care. Congratulations, I hope your pregnancy is going smoothly! I would quite probably request tubal ligation.

Maybe I’m weird Starks! Having heard the medical professionals’ explanations as to what happened, I’m comfortable that they were random, if very unlucky, situations. I specifically asked if I should prevent pregnancy due to my experiences and they said no. If they’d said yes I would have been more concerned about preventing. I’m sure many others have had experiences that aren’t straightforward and have gone on to have more children!

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 10/04/2020 21:07

I haven't had an EMCS but had an ELCS following a third degree tear and about an hour of repair work afterwards. The ELCS was a walk in the park and so much calmer.

Starksforthewin · 11/04/2020 02:38

Well, all the best to you then, OP. You’re a braver woman than I!

I hope everything works out well for you and your family.

Original poster
Didyeaye · 08/03/2021 05:17

Just happened across this thread in my ‘threads I’m on’ list.
Up at this time feeding 3mo baby DD Smile
Pregnancy was a bit tough throughout lockdown and helping DH manage his anxieties
However baby was born at 37+5 which was a week before the planned ELCS. Her birth was absolutely perfect! So textbook that if she’d been the guitar I’d be planning many more Wink but it feels like our family is complete. And DH will be getting the snip!

OP posts:
Fullofthejoysofspring · 08/03/2021 05:36

Congratulations, how lovely!

wishing3 · 08/03/2021 05:48

Ohh, what a lovely update ( from someone also up feeding their 3 month old!)! Congratulations!

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 08/03/2021 07:45

Ahhh what a wonderful update 😊. Congratulations! I’m so happy that things worked out.

RampantIvy · 08/03/2021 07:51

Oh, I love a happy ending. Congratulations Flowers

user1471457757 · 08/03/2021 08:12

That's lovely, so pleased for you.