Hi Parents,
As many of you know, making mutual agreements whilst co-parenting is hard, but with the new COVID-19 restrictions and guidelines, it’s harder now to do our best for our family.
I live alone which is 35 miles away from my daughters mum’s house (round-trip is 1hr 10min). I have contact with my 5 year old daughter regularly- one full overnight weekend and the following week one night, and this continues so on.
Her mother is a key worker, who works for the NHS and still goes in to work weekly (she's apparently not on the wards as of yet).
My first reaction was “Can’t you work from home? You’re not on the wards and based in an office?”
The answer was “No, I need to go in.“
The contact arrangement and decision making has changed rapidly over the last few weeks depending on what new information has been given by the government but the more this virus develops the more we have separate views on what is best to do.
I just wanted to show what changes have been made and what the disagreements are. It would be good to get other parents' view and understanding on the situation. I’ll try to be brief without missing out on key things.
I have been working from home for the last 3 weeks and only been out for essential foods, taking as many precautions as possible, masks, disposable gloves etc.
1st Week:
My daughters school closed the same week and her mum asked if I wanted to stay at her house throughout the quarantine and I said no.
- We are not together.
- We’re great co-parents, but after a day we drive each other up the wall (hence why we’re not together).
- My job requires long hours and intense concentration. It also requires a full room for all my work equipment and there’s no room at her place.
The immediate arrangement was that she’d drop our daughter off at her sisters whilst she goes to work. Her sister didn’t have to go into work and lives just around the corner so this made sense.
I went down to visit on the first weekend and stayed over, as it was just for one night, so I didn’t mind.
After the first week of working from home, I felt that I was able to look after our daughter. I’d just have to adjust my working hours.
I asked her mum and she said, “no, you had your chance and you said no”.
I explained that obviously this situation is new for all of us, and we all must adapt to the circumstances. While I was there I also mentioned the possibility of her self isolating whilst I look after our daughter. I could tell that she was upset, she responded by saying “if I get called to work on the wards then we’ll reevaluate the arrangement, but we’ll cross that bridge if it happens”.
2nd Week:
More information of the coronavirus outbreak was being revealed- about the spread, contamination and death rates. Naturally I started thinking more cautiously about the situation at hand.
My first priority is my daughter and the message was clear- STAY AT HOME, SAVE LIVES. Everyone I know was now either working from home, or self-isolating… apart from my daughter's mum. Once again I asked if there was any way she can work from home. Again she said “no!”
It was my turn to have my daughter for the full weekend, so I thought I’d raise it early in the week. Her response was “I don’t want her staying over there, as it’s rife with cases at the moment.”
She sent me a picture of coronavirus cases in my area vs. her area- 50 cases difference.
I explained the amount of cases doesn’t matter, it’s more what you're doing to prevent it. She is still going in and out of work (hospital), dropping the kids off at her sisters. I don’t know what level of precaution her sister is taking. So to me, it’s just more potential contamination. She has her partner staying, goes to the shops, walks the dog etc.
After a couple of days of texting back and forth, I found a coronavirus results page for my particular area and it was reported at zero. I sent her this and she responded “you can have her if you want, but it’s on your head”.
I was absolutely mortified that she would say that, and told her that this is a low level comment. I decided on that basis, I will just come and visit for the day and return home, which I did that weekend.
3rd Week:
This week we’ve been hearing more reports on how deadly this virus is, and now it's even killing kids. So all the information about children being immune must be disregarded.
I went to do a shop the other day, and whilst I was in the supermarket I felt in danger, there was an employee coughing and sneezing in the fruit and veg aisle. This just made me think just how easy it is for this virus to spread.
I left the supermarket only to hear news of a young child who has again died and the first care worker in my local city has passed due to COVID-19.
This has now really got me thinking about what could happen, what situation we’d be in if any of us got it etc.
So, I called my daughter's mum to discuss and explained that if she still has to go into work after this week, I would go into self-isolation and no longer be visiting to see our daughter.
This is incase both of us end up with the virus and have to be admitted to hospital. Leaving our daughter without a parent to look after her. I see it as if one of us self-isolating leaves us all in a better situation in case something bad were to happen.
Her response to this was, “you're selfish and only thinking about yourself.” Again I was gob-smacked. There was no way of getting her to understand why I had made this decision. It was a heated conversation with a lot of shouting. I tried to tell her that she’s putting us all more at risk- how can she not see that I simply wanted to do the right thing in preventing it?
She continued to tell me “if you don’t want to see your daughter that's your choice!”
So, I need some other parent’s perspective on this, am I being selfish? Am I over thinking the current situation? Is it she is just scared of not being able to see her daughter? Are we being ignorant to the current situation?
I can’t help but feel she is manipulating the situation to get what she wants, and she is turning the other ear on anything I suggest to do. I find she diverts the conversation alot back at me by telling me I’m being selfish.
To me, the bottom line is no one has any evidence of how to stop this virus or why it affects people in different ways. The only fact we know is- to prevent it from spreading- stay at home and have minimal contact with anybody.
A few things you should also know- there are two under 16’s and one over 18 year-old living at my daughters Mums house. The over 18 is still having to go into work, which again puts my daughter at higher risk.
I’m guessing that everyone has their own perspective on the situation, but I’d appreciate an outsiders point of view.
Please bear with me on responses as I am dyslexic and it takes me a while to read and write.