Managing friends who are bored and lonely.

[KitKat1985]

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but I feel like I'm drowning right now. I'm trying to work full-time as a nurse, and DH is trying to juggle working full-time from home - also for the NHS - whilst trying to watch the DDs (not easy to be productive with an autistic 5 year old and a 3 year old who has recently regressed with toilet training and constantly peeing everywhere). As you can probably guess work is busy and chaotic at the moment and lots of staff are stressed and anxious. I'm trying to home educate DD1 inbetween shifts, and the DDs are constantly arguing and squabbling, and there's noise and mess everywhere which we're having to clean up several times a day on top of the laundry mountain etc. All of our usual support networks we can't access because of coronavirus (nursery, my Mum etc) and so we're just getting on with it as best we can (as I know everyone is). I really need the hour or two we get of an evening when the DDs are finally in bed just to unwind and watch some crap TV and just get some quiet time. But I am constantly getting messages from friends all day and evening who want to WhatsApp or call etc because they're bored and lonely and want someone to chat to. Other people keep badgering me to download 'houseparty' so they can group call me. I am 100% sympathetic and want to be supportive, but I can't cope with the sheer volume of people who want to catch up all of the time (a lot of these are people I might otherwise not chat to for several weeks at a time). I'm a bit of an introvert at the best of times and actually just need some space right now so get on with stuff in the day, and to have a break in the evening. How are other people managing to balance out being supportive with getting some headspace?

Gosh- yes what's app is like a full time job at the moment!!
Sorry- no advice, but it's quite full on isn't it!

Sympathies OP.

Set up some group WhatsApp or fb group chats and chip in the the odd meme.

I’m the same with not wanting to video chat every 5 minutes, but find that a group chat is something that can be dipped in and out of every so often.

Friends might need gently reminding that your situations are poles apart:

Friend: furloughed, not working, no young children - its basically like being on holiday at the moment

You: working full time in a full-on job with no childcare and a school age child who needs educational input

I fall somewhere in between these two categories but I am acutely aware that while I'm 'stuck at home' that some of my friends are running themselves ragged working full time in jobs that are really demanding at the moment.

How about just telling these friends? They must be aware of your job. If they can’t understand that you’re under pressure then they’re a bit dense. How about:

As you know it’s massively busy at work and to be honest when I get home just need to get on with stuff with the kids and to have a break in the evening. I have to duck out of the catch ups and I really hope that you’re all ok and hopefully I’ll be in a better place to be able to catch up with you soon. Stay safe xx

Mute the chat.
Ignore it in the evening.
Post something in the morning.
Catch up more fully once a week only.

I feel your pain. I feel bombarded by WhatsApp messages and Zoom requests. I'm lucky to be able to WFH but it's still extremely busy and I have no time to respond. By the time I get to 6pm the last thing I want to do is get on another Zoom call even if it is with friends/relatives!

You can also set your WhatsApp to look like you’re offline and mute notifications which can help avoid having to look at it every time someone adds another reply.

Yes! I’ve been hoping someone else would start this thread so I didn’t have to, thank you! I hate, hate, HATE video calls. And since lockdown started I’ve had five different groups of people wanting to do them, and some people are incredibly persistent. Pre-lockdown, I’d just have been out/busy/left my phone at the bottom of my bag, but who’s going to believe that now?! I can’t think of a way to say no that’s nicer than, sorry, I’m just not going to do that.
I’m afraid (probably in common with a lot of introverts) I’m just not finding lack of human contact an issue, it suits me fine, and I don’t feel I need to try and find a substitute.

I feel your pain. I'm trying to strike a balance and phone friends (just on their mobile, not a video call) for a chat during my daily walk. It helps pass the "dead" time and kills two birds with one stone! Maybe an option?

Group message to all saying, “sorry I haven’t been in touch. I’m run ragged with the kids at home with trying to hone school the kids and DH and I working ft as well. Hopefully speak soon x”
Just tell them. If they are real friends they should understand once you’ve explained x

I thought about starting a thread myself as I was wondering if it was just me not thrilled with the whole Zoom/House Party thing. My friends want to do a weekly pub evening on a Friday and I just don't want to but can't think of an excuse. I wouldn't mind once in a while but every week is too much when I wouldn't normally see them that much.

It sounds like you need to be a bit more clear in your need for space to your friends. Maybe text and say you are knackered and can text but not up for video calls?

That said, At least you have people wanting to contact you. I have no one. I message "friends" but they rarely message back - and it isn't constant. just a how are you/the kids, what have you been up to? Once a week or so. and if they haven't responded then I leave it more than a week, because, as you say, people's situations are different. Even the ones that do reply never ask about me and how I might be doing. I literally haven't had a single phone call in months!

You need to be absolutely clear in your message, spell out that you are working in the NHS, (not sure what ward you are on but presumably dealing with very high stress cases) and that need to rest in your time off. Surely real friends understand that?
I am currently furloughed but wouldn’t dream of contacting people who are busy working, whether they are in the NHS or not.

And switch your phone off !

Violet you don’t need an excuse ... I’ve been invited to various Zoom events, I just say ‘thanks, but it’s not for me’.

Not just you. Also working FT with kids and trying to homeschool them. Work is madness, DH is working outside of the house. I am literally at breaking point and can't cope with the constant whatsapp msgs, especially from those who are not working. I have turned my phone off today, I feel bad but just can't see the messages. Admittedly I am having a particularly bad day but still.

Not you and also an introvert.

And also those at work without kids. It's not the same as balancing work and kids. It's an insane balance as we would normally all have some childcare/respite in some way. People have to appreciate that individual situations are exactly that, individual.

Thank you. I think I'm going to stand firm on the not downloading 'houseparty' app as it's just too much for me. I already Facetime my family and DH's family several times a week, and I just can't cope with having to have video-calls with everyone I know! I know as you say Magis I'm very lucky to have lots of people who want to chat and I know it's meant well, but I just feel pretty over-whelmed already and can't cope with being available for everyone right now.

Thanks Ragwort, I am going to say it's not for me.

I have found my people. I felt so overwhelmed in the first week of lockdown when trying to wfh while home schooling my DD and then so many whatsapp messages going off all the time and getting invited to Zoom and Houseparty calls.

I believe that Houseparty has been hacked into and isn't safe so if anyone asks you, then you can say that you've deleted the app and aren't using it for those reasons.

I have 2 friends who are wanting to Zoom call me every weekend - I've done it twice and found it difficult each time. They don't have children and as a pp said working from home without children is totally different so they can't really understand my issues and as an introvert I just don't crave company. I get my energy from being on my own and as you say after a day of work/home schooling or just trying to keep dcs occupied, its exhausting and the last thing you want to be doing is video calls.

I think Rainbow Shine's response is brilliant and actually I will be using that one myself with my friends, not only for now but when we're all back to normal and certain friends insist on wanting to call me in the evening when all I want to do is flop in a heap and watch some rubbish tv!!!!!

I have no friends so no one has tried to contact me and no one would give a shit if I went down with the virus. Swings and roundabouts