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lockdown, working from home and difficult boss

22 replies

Blonde2888 · 08/04/2020 08:37

I’ve never worked from home before, so doing so is a huge adjustment, let alone being in lockdown. I know how important this is and some are simply not abiding by the rules or being sensible, meaning we could see lockdown for much longer, but, I am struggling, probably like so many other so many other people. My mental health had taken a dip last week and then to top it off, whilst working my ass off at home my boss phoned me shouting and being aggressive down the phone to me (this is normal for him). He is prone to asking for one thing, then when you provide just that, he never wanted that but something else and you are incompetent. He gives very little briefing and if I ask for a short meeting to scope things out he says no and what he is asking for is ‘so simple’. It really pushes me down further when I’m trying so hard to stay afloat. He called me twice that day, he was so loud on the phone my other half came downstairs to ask what was going on.

I was asked to find out implications to something, which I did and made a suggestion around them, and then when I gave him the implications he shouted down the phone saying I never liked the project in the first place and was doing everything in my power to throw obstacles in the way. I tried to explain that would never be the case but he shouted over me telling me I’m arguing with him, to stop repeating myself and making excuses. He says he’s printed out my emails to him and shown some of my colleagues who also agree with him that I am being difficult and don’t like the project. I have no idea how he could even have gotten that from my emails as I read them back and all did was as he asked. I came off the phone in tears. It’s still affecting me now and it’s been a week.

I’ve been working solidly at home, sometimes I forget to eat or drink. I don’t skive off or watch tv or paint or read. I’m duly at my home desk for the same amount of time as I would in the office, in fact I check my emails more now! My stomach is in knots everyday that I’m going to get another annihilation, that what I do isn’t good enough, or that he’s trying to catch me out. He’s always on my case chasing me for things or giving me projects that aren’t in my remit, like IT projects that should go through our IT team but yet he wants me to do them (I am in a completely different department).

We’ll work on group projects and he will take ownership of specific parts that involve the project to wait on him, weeks go by and he then chases me asking what the status is and why the project hasn’t been done, if I suggest I’m waiting on his part he’ll go mad and tell me just to keep the project moving and for me to take charge and get it done. He isn’t approachable by any means, and when trying in the past it’s only made things 10 times worse for me, so I keep my head down and work away. He doesn’t treat anyone else like this. I have heard him be very aggressive to a couple of other people on the phone but I seem to get the brunt of it all the time. I’ve tried to speak to HR about my concerns but it is a family run business and they just apologise that I have been treated that way and say their hands are tied. It is affecting my mental health, I’m constantly on edge waiting for the next time he’s unhappy, when my phone rings I dread seeing his name, I haven’t slept properly since the last phone call (last Wednesday), I don’t think my partner enjoys being around me much at the moment as I am always on a downer and just can’t shake myself out of this rut I’m in. I can’t look for another job yet as it’s too risky with everything going on in the world. My partner and mum say it is not forever and I’ll move on when the time is right but it’s easy for them to say, I’m stuck in this every day. Sorry for the rant, I just don’t know what to do right now.

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Therebythedoor · 08/04/2020 11:33

Do you think you would be able to be a bit tough with him? He is bullying you and unless you stand up to him - I think he thinks you are weak.

I am sorry the HR department is shite and no help at all.

However, in the first instance...
Is it a company phone he's calling you on? If not then email him to tell him your phone fell in bath and is kaput. If he doesn't have a home landline number for you then what can he do? If they have a record of a landline number then tell them you no longer have phone apparatus attached to it. (Here we have a landline for the internet only.) He can't come round and check and he can't insist you go out and buy a phone.

Then he'll be forced to communicate by email alone.

Might this be do-able?

Therebythedoor · 08/04/2020 11:39

If it is and it works then that might be a little 'win' on your part. You cut off the audible tirade and then you'll likely have a good written evidence trail of his unreasonable behaviour should you need it in the future. How long have you worked there?

Therebythedoor · 08/04/2020 11:41

You might also wish to post this on the Work - employment issues forum to get an HR perspective.

tiredanddangerous · 08/04/2020 11:45

Yy stop answering the phone to him and limit all communication to email. Even if it’s a work phone he can hardly demand you go and get it fixed at the moment, can he?

morecoffeerequired · 08/04/2020 12:06

If he phones again, say:
"Hello.... hello.... hello??? Are you there? Sorry... I can't hear you... if you can hear me, then please send me a text or an email... hello???"
and then put the phone down.

Keep doing it if he keeps on calling. You need written proof of what an arsehole he is being to you.

Blonde2888 · 08/04/2020 13:15

Thanks for the replies everyone. I’ve been there for a couple of years. He only does it via phone because we are all working from home at the moment. In the office he comes into mine to shout and talk down to me. Any communication via email is usually fine as it’s traceable. Albeit there are still emails where he tells me to do something and I do it, then speaks to a colleague of mine and tells them I misconstrued what he said and didn’t do the project correctly. I’ve tried talking to him about how I’m feeling but was told to stop making excuses. As it’s a family run business, he is not only my boss but my CEO so I don’t have a leg to stand on. I’m doing everything to keep myself right, meeting my deadlines, documenting my workload on a daily basis and duly sitting at my home desk 9-5pm.

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Blonde2888 · 08/04/2020 13:16

Also I didn’t think about limiting my phone use, I’m not sure if that will make the situation worse as all my calls are being routed to my mobile so I can’t afford to not use it ☹️

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LaurieFairyCake · 08/04/2020 13:26

Why have you ever 'let' him shout at you?

If he shouts or is aggressive hang up, then send an email immediately saying that you're not going to listen to him shout at you one minute longer and that you're doing that every time he shouts.

You don't have to put up with this Thanks

Or record your phone calls, transcribe them and then raise a formal grievance.

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2020 13:57

I totally agree with @LaurieFairyCake. He starts to shout, phone down, immediate email re persistent bullying to HR, every single time.

EngagedAgain · 08/04/2020 13:59

I think if possible when things calm down with the situation at the moment, you're best off finding another job. All sounds like a very unhealthy environment to work in either way.

mummmy2017 · 08/04/2020 16:19

Can you tell him that how he talks to you is unacceptable, and for your own protection all calls will be recorded.

Blonde2888 · 08/04/2020 16:54

Last week when I came off the phone. I wrote an email stating I didn’t appreciate how he had spoken to me. It was ignored and the next phone call i got back was the same thing, shouting over me, when I asked if I could explain his exact words were ‘no’. My partner recorded the call. But HR are not willing to do anything about it as it is a family run business. I guess I just needed to vent and know that I’m not going mad. I question myself and my abilities every time he annihilates me so it’s reassuring to know I’m right in feeling how I do. People who have stood up to him before have been pushed out the door, I need my job more than ever right now

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Fivefourthree · 08/04/2020 16:57

He's an absolute arse and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this x

FTstepmum · 08/04/2020 17:20

This is awful for you! I had a manager like this too and her bullying caused me to have a full on nervous breakdown.

I fear you may be heading in the same direction? Please leave as soon as you can. You must not let this psychopathic piece of shit take any more of your wellbeing. Until you get a new job, distance yourself from him, emotionally. Make careful notes of every interaction that you have with him.

An employment tribunal may cause more hurt and stress for you, but it might be worth considering?

Please know that this man does not own you. Honestly, the freedom I felt after leaving my previous job was so worth it! I had a 50% salary cut (which I have coped well with), but it was the BEST move I made.

This cretin is not worth an inch more of your anxiety.

Prayers for you xxx

Ladyface · 08/04/2020 17:56

I’m sorry you’re going through this. He sounds absolutely awful. Record your conversations if you can and start noting down every episode of his vile tirades. I also work for a small family business and my boss seems to think that owning the company means owning the staff too. I, and one of my colleagues, had many issues with him micro-managing us, demeaning us and dismissing our opinions. If he starts shouting tell him that you will not speak to him unless he can be civil therefore he should email you. Then if he wants to rant you will have it in writing. If he wants to pick fault ask him to provide evidence of this. I hope you get out soon.

Blonde2888 · 13/04/2020 15:58

So another week...another go. I made a typo in something because I got myself so worked up during that horrible time I wrote about. I owned up and admitted it was my typo (which has no bearing on anything really) and apologised. He is now having a go at me for figures another company have given (because I am the constant middle man) between the two. I said he could talk to them directly which would make things easier but no he wants me to remain the go between. He also now wants to get rid of a company I work with (and commissioned) because he ‘doesn’t like’ them. The second company he wants to get rid of because I was involved in hiring them. I also sent him information a week ago that he requested, he then chased me today saying he is still waiting on the information, I resent him the email, and instead of saying ‘sorry’ or ‘thanks I missed it’, he looks for other things that he could pick at and I’ve had it all afternoon back and forward going through my emails to make sure what I go back with is what I have said previously. He’s trying so hard to catch me out: Sorry to add back into this, it’s just a safe place I can vent. My friends and family aren’t offering much they just shake their heads!

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GinandGingerBeer · 13/04/2020 16:20

Sod that. Call your GP and go off with stress.
Email HR so there's a paper trail of their lack of support and in the email refer to your multiple calls to them made on XYZ date.
Just because it's family run doesn't mean he can get away with it.
Are you a high earner?
DWP are recruiting 5k admin staff. It's not brilliant money as it's an entry level role but if you know someone who works there they are taking staff recommendations in some areas of the country.
The working conditions are good (don't believe everything you hear in the press)
Just a suggestion. There are probably going to be hmrc vacancies too due to demand be I don't have knowledge about that dept

Blonde2888 · 13/04/2020 17:14

Thanks GinandGingerBeer. Im around the £40k bracket. I’ve been going back and forward so much even I’m starting to lose track with things. I feel like any mistake I make is going to be pounced upon and with how I’m feeling and how often he tries to catch me out I am going to make a mistake, and the consequences will be harsh. He never believes what I tell him, and goes behind my back to confirm with people. I phoned up another department today to find out he has been talking about me and the project he is giving me a hard time on. I’m scared that if I go off on the sick they will get rid of me, and I need to pay my mortgage etc

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gamerchick · 13/04/2020 17:23

You can put in a grievance you know. You don't need to use the HR attached to the company I'm a bit hazy now but an outside body might just be what you need. I'm also half sure? there's unions you can join as well. It sounds as if you could do with some back up. Document everything.

Rainycloudyday · 13/04/2020 17:32

He is a vile bully and people like that need standing up to-hard I know but possible.

Record his next few calls, compile them into a recording and email to HR with him copied in and ask for their formal written response within 24 hours and if that isn’t acceptable (I.e. he receives a formal warning and is only allowed to contact you in writing) you will be taking your grievance to an outside body.

Caveat: I am no lawyer and have no idea if that is actually a sensible thing to do from a legal point of view but I think you need to expose him and worry the company to the point that something will be done.

Blonde2888 · 13/04/2020 17:32

I know, I’ve just never wanted to go down that route as I think it would only make life worse for me internally. As it’s family run, I don’t want people turning against me. They all like the CEO and have worked with him for many years

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Blonde2888 · 13/04/2020 17:36

It’s just something about me he doesn’t like. Maybe I don’t do a good job and maybe I’m just not cut out for it, that’s how I’m starting to feel. He’s knocked my confidence so finding another job will be even tougher as I don’t believe in myself now

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