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Original poster

How to forgive myself?

28 replies

laura2991 · 07/04/2020 20:15

I'm 26 with two lovely kids, a 6 year old girl and a 1 year old boy. A single mum. For the past few years, I've been a shit mother, quite frankly. Suffering with quite severe depression which left me neglecting the children emotionally, their diets were crap and the house was a shit tip. Over the past few months I've managed to turn my life around, I'm now on medication and much happier, finding my worth and learning to love life again. I'm giving my all to my babies, the difference to my daughter's behaviour has been incredible. She's like a different kid since "getting her mum back". Our flat is clean and tidy, we have a good routine and they're both eating well. Most of all I'm really enough spending time with them. However, night time rolls around and I remember my dark phase and feel incredibly guilty for neglecting them like I did. I feel inferior to other mothers. I love them both so very much and although I know I will never let things get so bad again, I'm also not sure how to forgive myself to completely move forward. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
laura2991 · 07/04/2020 20:16

Enjoying spending time with them*

OP posts:
Fruitdeleloop · 07/04/2020 20:19

You were ill. You cannot erase what was, and it is okay to grieve the time lost, it will feel less raw with time.

If forgiveness feels too hard right now, then perhaps just acceptance and focusing on the future. Keep going, you've done an amazing thing to turn it around now. X

BumBurnerBum · 07/04/2020 20:20

You have fought your way through a bad time and come through for your children. There is nothing to feel guilty for. Continue to work on loving yourself and understanding your self worth while being all you can to your precious children. They will love you for that. Don't torture yourself.

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Bluebooby · 07/04/2020 20:24

Don't ruin the time you have now by torturing yourself about the past. I had a bad couple of years when my DD was younger. Problems with my phsyical heath which lead to problems with my mental health. I couldn't take her out anywhere because of my phsyical problems, I didn't do much at home with her because I was depressed. You're not inferior, you've turned your life around from the sounds of things. Now make the most of it. When night time comes and you start to dwell, maybe have a conversation with yourself (sorry if that sounds weird but it's what I do). Like yes I was down then, my dd did miss out, but now I'm better, and we are doing X Y and Z. Then I try and think of plans for things I'd like to do with my DD tomorrow etc. For me realising that I've "wasted" time has made me see just how important the time I have is. But also don't take it to the other extreme and feel like you have to spend your whole life entertaining your children, make sure you take time for yourself too.

Herpesfreesince03 · 07/04/2020 20:25

I went through this op, and felt the same thing you did. Until someone said to me ‘you always did the best you could at the time’. Be grateful that you came out the other end, some people dont

Blurpblorp · 07/04/2020 20:29

Oh OP, I empathised I really do. Motherhood guilt is a special kind of torture. But just know that at a time when you had very little to give anyone or anything, you gave your babies your best. You were ill. You weren't squandering your time, you were trying to heal. Be gentle with yourself as self-hate really gets you nowhere. Lots of love to you and your beautiful babies xx

BiByeBaby · 07/04/2020 20:35

I wouldn't feel guilty, I would feel proud! Proud that you have gotten over a difficult period of your life, proud that you had the strength to take control and get your mental health back on track, proud that you have two soundingly happy and healthy children. The past is the past, bet you never imagined during those dark times that you would be where you are now. Enjoy your clean and tidy flat and your happy, well fed children. Don't let the past ruin it for you.

WarmSausageTea · 07/04/2020 20:38

I’ve not been where you are, but I just want to urge you to focus on where you are now. You’ve been through something incredibly tough, you’ve come out the other side, and now you and your family are thriving. Hold onto that.

When you find yourself thinking about the past, make a conscious effort to stop and instead appreciate the good things that are happening for you now. Don’t let regrets about the past rob today of its pleasures.

Stay well. Flowers

screentimeee · 07/04/2020 20:40

God!! Most mums that went through what you have cannot turn it round at all! And you did you should be so incredibly PROUD of your self! 😊

Notverybright · 07/04/2020 20:54

I'm just coming out of pnd and have very similar feelings. Ironically, since lockdown began, I've been feeling great.
Most people go through depression/anxiety at some point and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know what you mean about feeling that you've failed them. You haven't though. You've turned yourself around for them.

notthemum · 07/04/2020 20:54

Just want to say. Well done. As pps have said you can't change the past. You can grieve for what you didn't have but you néed to look to the future for yourself and your family. You were ill and now you are doing so well. You are showing your children how to love and be loved. That is what they want and need from you. Hold your head up high and feel proud of yourself. 💐

Aurignacian · 07/04/2020 20:58

There’s not one of us who has been the perfect mother. The fact that you’re agonising over this now suggests to me that you’re pretty good. Give yourself a break, times are very hard and you’re doing well, that’s fantastic.

midnightstar66 · 07/04/2020 21:04

So many people go through this and you'd never know. I bet most of us are guilty of at least one of these things or more at some stage. Lots of week off families in perfect homes who's kids are neglected emotionally for example and never ever recognise that. You've owned it and changed which is more than most can and I bet your kids will barely remember the times before you were happy. Well done OP and stay safe xx

InTheSummerhouse · 07/04/2020 21:05

What's important is now. You did the best you could. Most parents go through stages where for whatever reason they can't do as good a job as they would like. Forgive yourself as you would forgive your daughter or your son if they went through a bad phase and gave you hell, ( which they might at some point! Grin )

You love your children and you are putting them first now. Focus on that.

speakout · 07/04/2020 21:09

You have nothing to forgive.
You did the best you could in very difficult circumstances.
Be kind to yourself.
Focus on the good things that are happening now, and the bright future that lies ahead.

No forgiveness is needed.

AmelieTaylor · 07/04/2020 21:13

Bloody hell kiddo - you've turned your life around by getting the help you needed!!

You didn't choose to be in that horrible dark
place & you did incredibly well to find a way out of it!

Be proud if yourself 🌷there's nothing you need to forgive yourself for. Just enjoy your kids & the life you have now 💕

StuckInnTheMiddle · 07/04/2020 21:14

Focus on how far you’ve come and where you are now. Don’t look back. You should be very proud of yourself and you’re doing all you can to make things better now. You can’t go back in time and change things, you can only keep doing what you’re doing and be the best you can be for your dc. Just keep looking forward and stay positive Flowers

puds11 · 07/04/2020 21:17

In the nicest possible way, you cannot change anything so try to let it go.ale it your mission to stay well and healthy so as never to go back to that place. That is the best way to ‘forgive’ yourself.

Well done for pulling through, it is incredibly hard Flowers

Original poster
laura2991 · 07/04/2020 22:19

Thank you so, so much for all the lovely comments everyone. Definitely had a little cry reading through them. Looking forward to our future even in these hard times xx

OP posts:
Original poster
laura2991 · 07/04/2020 22:20

And keep safe! ❤

OP posts:
daffodil1224 · 07/04/2020 22:26

Op you sound amazing; well done for turning things around

Holothane · 07/04/2020 22:42

Well done be kind to yourself, you were Ill now enjoy you children hugs.

Peachandpink · 07/04/2020 23:42

I read this and thought wow what a great mum you are - to feel this way says so much about who you are. You come across as a caring and loving mum who is doing her absolute best. You were ill and that was not your fault. Please only try to look forward.

mineofuselessinformation · 07/04/2020 23:55

What on earth do you need to forgive yourself for?
You went through an incredibly tough time in your life, and came out of the other side.
That's something to be celebrated, Not beat yourself up about!

Original poster
laura2991 · 08/04/2020 08:09

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:
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