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Original poster

Not pregnant this month and decided to stop trying but feel so sad.

29 replies

Pillowpillow · 07/04/2020 20:13

DH and I have been trying for a year for another DC and decided that, if not pregnant this month, that would be it - no more trying. (I am nearing 40.)

It was a terrible month to TTC anyway with the world being upside down and all, but it was almost a bit too late before it all REALLY kicked off before we already did. Anyway my period was a week late and I couldn’t get hold of a pregnancy test easily but thought - this is it! I’m pregnant!

But no. Period this evening.

So that’s it, no more babies.

I am incredibly lucky with what I have and I shouldn’t moan but I feel so sad.

No advice wanted, just can’t tell anyone in real life except DH and wanted to share with someone Sad

OP posts:
Impatientwino · 07/04/2020 20:50

Oh Pillow, that's sad. Must be a very strange feeling. We TTC for a long while before our first DC and I had a few cycles that were extra long where I thought I was pregnant and then turned out not. It's a horrid feeling, almost like being tricked.

When we had our last DC DH had a vasectomy and even driving to the appointment we both felt wobbly even though we were absolutely definitely done. There's something about closing a door isn't there...

Everything is all over the place so you're bound to feel out of sorts too.

I have no medical background but I prescribe a gin/chocolate/ice cream or whatever your poison is and plenty of it Thanks

SarahAndQuack · 07/04/2020 20:53

It is sad, and you're allowed to feel sad.

We were planning to start IVF this summer, but again, it's all on hold, and, like you, we're wondering if perhaps this is it.

Don't feel you can't have a moan about it. You're allowed to feel disappointed.

BabyMoonPie · 07/04/2020 21:01

Be sad. Be angry. Rage on this thread if you want - let it out. I know how you feel. I'm nearly 40 and this is month 16 of trying for DC2 for us. We've been tested and there's nothing wrong so it's frustrating beyond belief

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy
Skeeter2020 · 07/04/2020 21:06

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Original poster
Pillowpillow · 07/04/2020 21:31

Ahh thanks all. Will take that prescribed chocolate / gin / ice cream!

Yep - there is something about closing a door! Sad

Good luck sarah and moonpie.

sarah a postponed IVF must be so hard! I hope you get a new date soon.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 07/04/2020 21:33

Thanks! I think it's the same as any other setback of this kind. It is painful, but we're all in the same boat.

@Skeeter2020 - that was a bit of an insensitive comment, in my view.

slimecentury · 07/04/2020 21:43

Also in same boat it's so hard! We keep saying just one more month. I think we will try two more months then stop. Secondary infertility for me too. Xx

snowy0wl · 07/04/2020 21:45

@skeeter2020 - that was a very insensitive comment to make. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to start a family at a young age.

OP - sending hugs. xx

WhenYouveAFirstInEnglish · 07/04/2020 21:46

@Skeeter2020 your comment has actually made me LOL! Thanks, needed it this evening. Wow.

OP I am sorry. It must be very hard to make that final decision and not think “just one more month”. I almost got there with number 2 but did conceive in the end. I’m sure there will be positives to sticking with the number you have.... I made lots of plans for just having 1 and it did help. X

BabyMoonPie · 08/04/2020 07:33

Thanks @pillowpillow. I think I've accepted that we're a family of 3 and then I see a baby and the desire to have another is almost painful

Nishky · 08/04/2020 07:38

@Skeeter2020 perhaps you could have thought before typing?

@Pillowpillow it’s such a tough decision isn’t it? I had my third m/c at 42 ( I have 2 children) and just knew I couldn’t go through it again, still remember how I felt on way from hospital and that was 15 years ago.

Original poster
Pillowpillow · 08/04/2020 08:50

Yes - “just one more month”, that’s pretty much been my mantra! We agreed -after this month - that we’d stop because I’d been thinking about it constantly, planning for it, which meant I wasn’t really in the present or my life happening now, if that makes sense?

But woke up today thinking: maybe just one more month? Confused

That’s a good idea about making plans for the life I have! On a very frivolous level, I can now get one of those laser hair removal devices that I’ve always wanted but never got because “what if I get pregnant, then I can’t use it for pretty much 18 months”. (They’re insanely expensive but my legs are insanely hairy Grin)

moonpie I can definitely relate.

Thank you all for sharing, it’s really helping talking to others who have been through similar.

OP posts:
KindKylie · 08/04/2020 08:53

skeeter there are thoughts that don't need to be spoken..

Op, I'm sorry, it's OK to feel sad x

beargrass · 08/04/2020 09:06

We are in the same boat, pillow. I hear you Thanks

limesoda · 08/04/2020 09:11

Same here, but with DC1. It's so tough saying that out loud, and the reframing of life plans that will have to happen as a result.

💐💐💐 To all who need them

Stet · 08/04/2020 09:17

Wow @Skeeter2020 Hopefully you can use all that extra time to learn some sensitivity.

VenusStarr · 08/04/2020 09:24

I feel for you @Pillowpillow. We've been ttc for 2.5 years, 3 miscarriages and was due to start ivf but it's all stopped. We've made the painful decision to not continue ttc at the moment. It's shit 💐

Wow @Skeeter2020 🙄

@limesoda ❤️

kikisparks · 08/04/2020 09:34

So sorry to hear that OP. These are odd and difficult times as it is. I’ve had my first ivf round cancelled. Be kind to yourself and it’s ok to be sad.

@Skeeter2020 I started trying for a family before turning 30 too. Since my ivf round was cancelled the earliest I might have a baby is age 34 if I am very lucky. If I wanted 2 children I could easily be in my late 30s by the time I tried for a second. But give yourself a pat on the back for doing it the “right way” Hmm or maybe just think before you comment next time.

JMAngel1 · 08/04/2020 10:37

Oh sweetheart, 40 is still young - just keep trying - not crazily and actively but just see what happens. I know lots of women who got pregnant over 40 when they stopped actively trying and stressing. Don't write it off yet.

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/04/2020 10:48

I’ve found this pandemic has eradicated any bloodiness I had. It’s been quite useful for me a perverse way.

I have two and lost a third in the second trimester three years ago. I was very envious of those that had managed to have the elusive third, until if course there were food shortages and the world became like Apocalypse Now. Now I just feel supremely fortunate to have my two and my sense of responsibility as their care giver during this time has weighed very heavily on me. So I’m not interested in any further responsibility and am very happy for my ovaries to wither and die lol.

Jamjar77 · 08/04/2020 10:48

OP I was in exactly the same situation as you a few years ago. We had been trying for a sibling for DD for 3 years and, 3 miscarriages down the line, had reached the point where we decided to stop trying. In some ways it was almost a relief as until we stopped I didn’t actually realise how much TTC had been taking over my life. I was fully expecting to feel waves of grief when we did stop but, oddly enough, I felt (almost!) calm - I remember thinking that at least we’ve given it our best shot.. Basically I think I’d hit “the wall” and had nothing more to give to TTC. Anyway, a couple of months later, just after my 40th birthday, the seemingly impossible happened and I became pregnant with DD2 who is now a wonderful lively nearly 2 year old. I know it’s easy for me to say this and I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, but whatever happens, you and your family will be get through this and you will be ok

sweetheartyparty · 08/04/2020 10:55

Good for you @Skeeter2020 Hmm.
A year isn't long but I understand if you've reached the end of your limit. You've still got time.
My last IVF attempt was my closure, it would either work or we were giving up. We had devoted 7 years to TTC and I couldn't do it anymore. I threw everything (taking supplements recommended by 'It starts with the egg') at the last attempt and it worked and had my DD at 40.
It's such a rollercoaster especially when hopes are cruelly dashed.

millymollymoomoo · 08/04/2020 11:10

Don’t really understand this.
Why not stop ‘ttc’ but just not use contraception?
It’s good that you have accepted that it might not happen but but a hard stop?

SarahAndQuack · 08/04/2020 11:34

It can feel quite sad to be half-hoping all month, IMO.

In a way, a hard stop is easier because you don't torture yourself with hope each time your period is a little bit late.

VenusStarr · 08/04/2020 12:26

@millymollymoomoo we've made the decision to stop based on our history of losing 3 pregnancies in the last 12 months. I was in the middle of recurrent miscarriage tests which have all stopped. My recurrent miscarriage clinic is closed, so there is no additional care available to me, which my consultant feels I would need. So I guess we could carry on trying / or not using contraception but we believe it will end in another miscarriage. Also, there isn't enough research into the effects of the virus on pregnancy or the baby yet. We are revisiting our decision in a few months.