DP trying to cut down on alcohol...

[redstripewidow]

Just over a week ago DP went on a bender, a worse one than usual, he caused a lot of upset to family and friends through his words when drunk and ended up asleep in his car in town...

We don't live together.

So he felt awful, hates himself, has finally truly realised that he needs to stop drinking.

He has been drinking at least 12 cans of beer a day for the last 7+ years, this is a minimum and it can be double this plus spirits/wine.... pub after work with ' the boys' ....'Sunday sesh' etc etc

He has previously tried to engage with support services, and successfully did dry jan 2 years ago, but always tells himself it's not an issue, he only drinks through boredom....all that stuff.

Anyway, he's serious this time, and I've told him to changed his habits or we are done.

For the last 7 days he has had one single drink per day (bottle of beer) he has this drink between 6pm and 8pm approx.

He has sweats, insomnia, shakey, constipation (sorry for TMI), irritability....but no DTs or hallucinations. He has been staying here and working in the garden, doing DIY to keep busy.

Now I think the 'one drink' is purely psychological, and he could do without it, but does anyone have any experience of cutting down in this way??

I'm slightly concerned that if he doesn't stop the 'one drink' the consumption will creep back up, and he needs to stop completely, to break the habit/routine.

Does anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences?

One beer a day is a very different habit to 12+ beers a day. He is probably enjoying it a lot more too.

It is too early to say after a week if he can keep it up. Give it another couple of weeks.

I'm very proud of him, I know it's a huge difference. And possibly an unorthodox method??

I'm a born researcher, I like to look things up and have all the details of how things will pan out....maybe I'm just feeling a little lost as I can't plot the route this will take?

Its really hard and can be dangerous to stop overnight. Some people need a gradual wean. His symptoms will get better with time.

you need to be very careful. or rather, he does. alcohol withdrawal can kill. if he has any palpitations, hallucinations or feels fundamentally unwell he must seek medical help.

source: alcoholic who nearly died during my last withdrawal. 6 years sober now. it does get easier and life is so, so much better now. it was also way easier to stop altogether than to try moderation. AA got me sober. other methods are available.

wishing you both all the best.

Thank you.
Today he feels even more irritable- he woke up and wanted a drink almost immediately- by 11am he was asking for 'a day off' and that he "only wants 4 beers"

This morning I gave him a worksheet a friend that works in recovery had provided, a table with - costs of drinking/ costs of not drinking/ benefits of drinking/ benefits of not drinking.

When I went back to it the only part he had filled in was 'costs of drinking' ...answer "none"

So it's taken a week for the remorse and wish to stop to be taken over by the cravings....

Sorry op, but are you sure the one beer really is one beer? He couldn't be hiding more somewhere and keep telling you it's the same one could he? Or be adding something else to it?
It's just that cutting down to one, from what he was drinking seems strange somehow.....

bluesheep it really is one beer, I live 5 miles from any shops, and have had possession of his and my car keys- I bought 14 large bottles of beer with the shopping, and have been handing over one a day....

And there is no other alcohol in the house, apart from a bottle of Tesco Buck's Fizz that's left over from Xmas....

Alcohol is the one single drug you shouldn’t stop cold turkey (when you’re consuming that much) as it can kill you. It’s actually not safe for him to completely stop now when his consumption has been that high, that one beer (if that it is truly the case) might be keeping him alive. He needs proper medical support to deal with this addiction

He does, but he finds the system incredibly frustrating, and will not engage.

If I was to give him 2/3 today, then back to 1 a day tomorrow would that be a sensible step?

I know you are not doctors, but he is currently building a chicken house so in a pretty good state.

i didn’t realise you were handing him his one beer a day.

take it from one who knows: this way madness lies. you cannot save an alcoholic.
it needs to come from them. if you continue on this path i’m afraid that disappearing acts and days-long benders will become a feature, all blamed on you for not ‘just letting’ him have a few more drinks.

if your partner wants to stop drinking, he will find a way. if he wants to drink he will find a way. you holding the keys to the kingdom like this just gives him more reasons to hate you, to feel sorry for himself and to send him out in search of a ‘proper’ drink.

you don’t live together. so you can set a boundary that your house is a dry house. he can do as he chooses on his own time, but if he wants to be with you, he does it sober.

i cannot emphasis enough that you cannot save him.

OP, i was a rock-bottom lost-everything alcoholic. lost my job, my kid, my husband,
my home and nearly my life. and then when i got sober i met a man and we moved in together after a year - and he turned out to be a raging alcoholic! even with my knowledge i still thought i could save him.

i eventually left him last august. i’m 6 years sober this month. the years trying to live with his drinking almost cost me my sobriety.

you need to make some tough decisions and stick to them. don’t waste your life on someone who will only ever resent you and let you down. i got sober with AA. Al-Anon is for people with alcoholics in the family. some people find it a great help. i find it a little bit odd, but horses for courses!

i genuinely wish you the best.

You are wasting your life with this man. He is an alcoholic and there is not a single thing you can do to change him.

If he's an alcoholic he can't just cut down. He might be able to control it for a while but not for ever. He needs to stop drinking completely.

Thank you aWeapon that's very sobering (no pun intended)
So is the real fact here that he should have his keys back (he hasn't asked for them) and I prepare myself to end the relationship at the first sign of a relapse??

It's so painful to think that, and I hope I am strong enough. I love him so very much (but slightly less after 4pm most days, and decreasingly as the evening goes on)

but i have told him I am at my wits end and can't do it anymore, and that he would be consciously choosing alcohol over his relationship....

OP sorry but you're flogging a dead horse - he has to want to stop and you're now acting like his mother.

Can you just give his keys back and keep contact to just a friendly basis until he starts to work through it?

your only option here is to give him agency over his own actions. if he chooses to drink, he does it with the knowledge that your relationship is over.

living with and/or separating from an active alcoholic is so painful and you will obviously grieve the loss of your relationship. but you must understand that any other course of action signs you up for a lifetime of misery and lies.

my ex would ‘pop out for a paper’ at 8am. he would then go and buy a ‘legitimate’ four pack at around 11am. we had a half-joke about the Everlasting Four Packs that the shop seemed to be selling him. he would lie to my face about his drinking, but would also tell me he loved me. both of those things cannot exist together. i would remind him that you can’t kid a kidder, that i knew all the tricks because i’d used them all myself in my drinking days. it all fell on deaf ears.

the game was over for me when i discovered he was filling soft drinks cans with booze. i lost my shit. he was risking my sobriety, knowing what i’d been through to achieve it.

we’d spent a good few months up to that point playing cat-and-mouse. cans he’d hidden and forgotten. physically blocking me from going into his workshop, all the while looking me in the eye and swearing he had no booze in there. he was ill, grey and lost, but refused to admit it, even to himself.

and oh, he was so ANGRY at me for trying to stop the party. in the end i pointed out that it wasn’t a party, just a man drinking himself to death in his shed.

it was awful. i loved him so much, but in the end the man i fell in love with was nowhere to be found. he was just a shell. a lying alcoholic, as we all are until we can face ourselves.

getting sober is a lifelong undertaking and it’s terrifying. i used to wonder what i would do with all that sober time, as being sober was so BORING. but it isn’t. my life now is much smaller, but infinitely sweeter.

OP, please don’t saddle yourself with this responsibility. it’s his burden. it doesn’t have to be yours too.

Drinking that much his body is dependant he can’t do that alone without medical help as his body wil need medication - sorry but an alcoholics csnt just stop it’s medically dangerous and could kill him