Completely lost myself

[Emmagainno3]

Maybe it’s all the stuff that’s going on at the moment or I’m depressing myself by looking at Instagram...
I used to be really creative , I made a living out of it. I would spend hours painting and drawing etc.
I have three wonderful, adored ds. It’s.just.very.full.on all the time. Maybe it’s just now as my dh has to work out of the house 6 days a week and at the moment obviously all the dcs are off. The days are very much spent looking after them , homeschooling, cooking (my dcs eat huge amounts) and breaking up fights. I’m naturally quite introverted and my dcs are all very , very high energy. Literally nothing wears them out. My dh , when he’s off, brings them hiking, surfing, climbing etc. But still they are never tired.
With lockdown they are literally climbing the walls and we are in temporary accommodation as our house was getting renovated before this crisis ... yup no garden , no trampoline etc. They are 3, 6 and 8.
I just am so exhausted at the end of every day and I mentioned Instagram as I’ve been looking at theses earth mums with multiple kids who manage to do loads of creative work themselves but I just don’t have the energy in the evenings and during the day it’s impossible. I still have it in me and would love to get back into it but really lacking motivation.
They are really good kids and they will sit and play LEGO, draw etc but the three year old is very busy and activities are over in 5 minutes..
Also all of them were awful sleepers, one in particular didn’t sleep properly for 3 years , finally it’s much better but 3 year old still wakes once at least. I still feel tired from years of sleep deprivation, is that possible? I just feel disappointed in myself if I’m honest , we are hugely fortunate to live near some breathtaking beaches but even when I think about the summer or when I go on them I just don’t enjoy it anymore as I spend the whole time watching them as they run in different directions and making sure they don’t drown. I used to love the ocean and basically lived on beache with my dh. Other plp make it look easy and I get asked by family why I’m tired. Is it not normal? I’ve had bloods done and they are all normal etc.
I just feel quite on edge all the time as their level of energy is very high and although in a lot of respects it does get easier as they older , they are also getting more and more energetic and hyper too. They also eat sooooo much, all very fit etc but it’s.non.stop. I cool loads of really nutritious dinners (loads of carbs , protein etc) , half an hour after they are ravenous again. This happens even if they are distracted and out so a huge amount of time and energy is spent cooking and cleaning up..
I don’t know what I expect from this, maybe solidarity 🤷🏼‍♀️ I speak to some friends and family who are on lockdown and they describe a much different situation where their kids are all soooo chilled etc . I just don’t relate.

Sounds very hard OP - and like you’re doing a fantastic job. It’s not easy to be an introvert around three energetic kids all day, no wonder you’re so tired. And if you’re spending all your energy on looking after kids, it’s not an optimum setting for you to be creative in and it doesn’t mean that you have changed or that you’ve permanently lost your talent and motivation - it’s temporary and adjusting takes time (and this is under really difficult conditions, rather than ‘peacetime’!). Family who ask you why you’re tired simply don’t get it.
I think it was Polly Toynbee who talked about having all these grand dreams of working in a factory then going home to write her novel at night - she then found out that all she could do when she got home was sleep, forget about the bloody novel!

However, it does seem like you’re doing an awful lot for the kids - any chance they could be doing some of the clearing up? It might not be perfect first go, but eventually they’ll get there. If they’re getting three square meals a day, it’s ok if they feel hungry from time to time too, and usually hunger pangs pass in ten minutes or so. If money is no object, perhaps you could set up a cupboard with fruit and nuts for them to snack on if they have to. You really don’t have to be at their beck and call for unnecessary eating.

Thanks for the reply, I feel better after reading it! I think it’s also cause a lot of my friends don’t have kids yet and I have to check myself before I write back , “ I’m tired” again as I feel like a broken record. Also it isn’t like I still have newborns! I just feel a bit fed up really as often have ideas and look at what so many plp are able to achieve and I just feel I’m just about keeping it together. Obviously this situation is a difficult one also. I guess I imagined I’d be able to do a lot more than I am tbh.... There is also pressure not to wish time away as they are at a wonderful age. I got a message from a family member saying (very well meaning) that wasn’t it a good time for us all to take a step back and chill a bit. I was a lot more chilled when I was able to work half days and my dcs were all in school, there was a good balance there, I’m way more burnt out now so really didn’t relate to that sentiment!!
I think that’s the thing, I’m surrounded by people who don’t get it or don’t want to. My sister who’s on her own was saying I had it easy as had company, I mean maybe she’s right , I’m very lucky to have dcs (I honestly realize this) but the company they give is a bit different.
I totally agree re letting them get on with it and they probably have gotten used to me doing everything, they have free range with fruit and nuts etc. I guess it’s the lack of any break , when my dh is off he does everything and this 6 day week isn’t usual. We will come out of this, I just wondered was it normal to want to climb into bed every night at 8pm....

This is temporary. It's a long temporary! but it will pass. I can't even remember those years! Though I have a vague sense they were rough.. Re I was a single parent. Yes it was tough. But it passed.

Comparison being the thief of joy is relevant here eg your sister saying you've got it better because at least you have company. It's tough for all of us but for different reasons. Everything is relative: just because I don't live in the slums of Calcutta doesn't mean I'm not finding things tough.

I had a friend with 3 boys and she said she had to run them every day, like dogs (her words!). She was quite run ragged iirc. They're grown now, men. It passes.

So don't compare yourself to others. This is TOUGH, whether people get that or not. It's a tough time, especially with the hideous lockdown. I feel for you, Emma 💐🌺

Perhaps you could let the house be a den eg let them build dens in eg the living room: give them sheets/duvet covers and pegs and chairs. (That kept us busy when we were kids back in the dark ages on Saturdays when our mum did the washing.) Try not to worry about the mess, these are extraordinary times, we have to let normal routine go.

In effect your trying to manage three savages (lol) so don't expect too much.

And get some reins.

It’s normal. Children wear you out. I find children tiring too, but more like mentally. I have all the physical energy for them but mentally it’s tough because I don’t really enjoy their company. I find them boring. I think being mentally tired from someone is worse than the physical tiredness you speak of.

Fucksake Smart! It's ALL tough. 🙄

I think three kids the age of yours are far far more work than newborns. You’re asking a lot of yourself, as they’re exhausting. Mine are big now, but my youngest was exactly like a spaniel I had when I was growing up. She was a nightmare if she didn’t have exercise. Even wet play at school would make a difference.

The mental exhaustion is so hard too. I sat in the garden earlier and the two little boys next door were playing outside. One constantly asked ‘mummy? Mummy? Mummy?’ for about an hour and a half until I was tired and agitated, and they’re not my children.

You’re doing a great job, and maybe it’s time the children got involved in helping a bit more.

Thanks for your messages, they massively help. And I am relieved to hear it gets easier as I can’t think about it getting more challenging right now.
It’s just very constant and definitely relate to the constant “mummy “ but it’s normal, they are children and they need help with school , with opening some things etc and because there’s three it is going to be constant. This situation is obviously unique. I just don’t at all relate to the posts I see here in and in real life about resting extra books, watching movies , taking up those craft hobbits..
Feel like I’m just about keeping my shit together!

Stop looking at Instagram! That way madness lies!

Nutritious meals are good, but they don't all require a huge amount of effort or clearing up. Think of what you can make that they will all eat than can be prepared in 15 minutes or less. Beans on toast, jacket potatoes, scrambled eggs, pesto pasta with peas and sweetcorn. And a bowl of cereal 30 mins after the meal when they're hungry again. Plus make sure they're drinking plenty of fluids as well