Cannot cope with my daughter

[Sagapo2411]

I can't believe I'm staying this but I'm getting to the point where I don't like my daughter anymore. DD is 5 and started school in September, she has been exculed twice and was on a part time timetable at school for two months. She had her first full day back and then the schools closed with Coronavirus. When she has been there the class has had to be evacuated, once they all had to leave twice within the same day. She destroys school property and has threatened to stab her teacher with a pair of scissors.

This morning alone I have been called fat, stupid, spat at, shouted at and screamed at. She has hurt her brother and damaged furniture. I'm far from claiming to be the best mother but I do try my best, she has time outs, gets sent to her room and misses out on things. She gets positive reinforcement whenever I can and rewards at the end of good days. I've been to the doctor and they put her on for some Art Theapy but I don't know when that will happen now.

I have two other children and have never had these problems before with them and I'm feeling well out of my depth.

We all live on edge for the next thing to happen, my other two don't get anywhere near the amount of attention they deserve and I feel sad that I can't give them as much time.

I so want to be able to help her, my heart breaks for her and us as a family. And I'm getting to the point of enjoying when she is not around, and I hate that I feel like that. If anyone has any advice or has been there please I would so appreciate the help!

@peachesandpops yes agreed. There are huge misconceptions about people with asd. It's assumed that they don't have empathy, feel emotion or care about people. It does then such a massive disservice as it's simply not true.

A good article to read about girls and asd is called 'girls under the radar.' Girls are often less likely to be diagnosed as there's a misconception that it is a boy thing. Teachers need a lot more education about identifying asd. Early intervention is so so important.

Exactly @langkaw there are so many myths and misconceptions about autism. I myself work in a healthcare related job, I would consider myself to be very emphatic.

You think that because someone is a SENCO they are knowledge about these things, and don’t get me wrong some are great, but some don’t know as much as they should, or their knowledge is outdated. Same with GP’s. That’s why neither are responsible for diagnosing these conditions.

Headteacher at one of my children’s previous schools said he definitely did not have autism and tried to tell me he had ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). Also got told it was my parenting. It wasn’t. She will be trying to communicate something, the key is working out what.

@blue25 i sat down and had a meeting with the school before she started with the Senco and her class teacher to inform them of her behaviour. She wasnt sent in without them being informed. I cannot fault her teacher but unfortunately she has little say. I'm very aware that it can't be easy for the school but I'm also aware that my DD needs help. I've backed off and not pushed because I know it must be hard. That doesn't make it any easier for me either though. She has a right to be looked after and have the attention she deserves too.

Thank you so much for the advice everyone else. There are some really good books by the looks of it and some things I will need to chase with the school! This has been such a help, thank you so much for the support and advice, just what I needed.

@PeachesAndPops very true. But GPs and SENCOs must be able to identify need for further assessment. I often err on the side of caution and make referrals anyway if there are concerns as there's nothing to lose by doing so.

Good luck! Please keep us posted and feel free to dm me if I can help in anyway.

I work in Behaviour in Primary and secondary schools and I agree with @SinkGirl about the use of a part time timetable. They are not to be used because the school can't deal with a child's behaviour. They can only be used if it is demonstrably in the best interests of the child, is measured, incremental and increasing and with the approval of the parents.
I would definitely be recommending applying for an EHCP but do think that you should try to get the school on side to do this with them. Read the Code of Practice (or ask for specific advice about it on here), request a meeting with the school HT and SENCO and make it clear that you will take it further if they don't up their game. Have a read of the Equality Act (2010) and quite the part of it around alterations to policy and practice if they suspect that someone has additional needs. They haven't done that. In addition, ask them for a breakdown of exactly how they have spent the first £6000 notional SEN funding supporting your daughter's needs.
However, none of this helps you in the here and now, in the house with her. Remove all demand from her and have the mantra 'first response, kindness'. Make everything a game and accept that she will be anxious based on what is going on around her.
If you want further support, feel free to PM me.

Tbh, I would also consider moving schools. Diagnoses are hard enough to come by without obstructive schools. Our school has been great, however it still took years of us saying "this isn't normal" before he was referred. Finally diagnosed with asd aged 9.

My DD is now 6. Was diagnosed by a very experienced paed at the age of 3.5! Teacher had referred her as she thought she had dyspraxia 🙄 Was very shocked and didn't like the diagnosis!! I knew though. Girls mask so well! However I'm not sure if you know that by excluding her they actually acting illegally!!!