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Urgh I am so frustrated with my DH and his family’s crap communication!

17 replies

whiteblankpage · 31/03/2020 16:36

We’ve been isolating a week longer than some others due to our son being symptomatic. All a little bit stressful trying to work from home, I’m writing my dissertation, 3 kids etc etc same as others.
On Mother’s Day, DH text his mum at about 11 to wish her happy Mother’s Day, with the intention to face time later on with the grandkids etc. We’ve done this before but it wasn’t mentioned in the text, and him and his mum have a funny relationship at times, a bit... tense.
Anyway, she replied back at 2 saying she was very hurt she didn’t even get a phone call, on her special day. He immediately tried to face time her, she ignored, then he tried again an hour later, she ignored. 8 o’clock comes round, his dad calls, f’ing and blinding on the phone that he’s a selfish prick and thanks very much because now he (his dad) has to bear the brunt of your bloody mother. DH put the phone down, messaged them both, apologised to his mum, told his dad he was happy to discuss but don’t swear and insult etc.
When the proper lock down happened, DH reached out and asked if they were both ok, hopefully keeping entertained with the allotment, looking forward to having a day out to reunite when it’s all over - no reply. He messaged again yesterday, hoping they’d had a good weekend, were they getting everything from the shop they needed etc - no reply.
Today his mum has messaged me saying she is very down and struggling with the fact she got no call on her only special day. I tried to discuss gently the fact that no it wasn’t ideal that he hasn’t rang straight away but he had apologised and we are all very preoccupied with the current climate - no response.
The thing is, this isn’t the first time it’s happened - DH is an only child, crap at communicating and setting stuff up and normally i facilitate it for an easy life but obviously with my dissertation I just don’t have the head space. And this would never happen in my family! My mum would have answered the phone, I would have apologised profusely for forgetting, she’d have said never mind, we’re talking now. There is no way this would be continued on, to this extent, in a PANDEMIC. Jeez, I’m just so frustrated!! And his dad only sticks his oar in when it negatively affects him, not because his mums feelings have been hurt.
Sorry that was long, I just don’t know how to handle it so it all Disappears as quickly as possible!

OP posts:
Whitegrapeandblackberry · 31/03/2020 16:40

Sorry but your mil sounds really pathetic, he rang her she didn't answer what else can he do with the Corona virus going round? Xx

Dozer · 31/03/2020 16:41

Not your problem: stay out of it and detach.

Goawayquickly · 31/03/2020 16:47

She sounds a bit ridiculous really.

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CodenameVillanelle · 31/03/2020 16:49

He didn't do anything wrong. She got the hump that he hadn't called by 2pm - not his fault. I hope you aren't blaming your DH for not being able to communicate with two very unreasonable people?

Sparklfairy · 31/03/2020 16:53

She ignored two calls.

It's not that 'she didn't get a call on her special day' - she ignored them and is now having a tantrum.

Alyic · 31/03/2020 16:56

I have a grown up only child, a son who is knocking 40. There's no way on god's earth I'd carry on like that.

whiteblankpage · 31/03/2020 16:57

She can be so lovely and generous, but their relationship has been difficult for a couple of years as he can be a bit thoughtless and sharp, but I don’t know why she expected that day to be any different, especially considering the circumstances.
I am not blaming him at all, I was just trying to ease the way a bit as I know he would feel better just to be in contact with them making sure they’re ok etc.
But I am disengaging now, and he will just send 1 message a week to check in even if he doesn’t get a response.

OP posts:
Sicario · 31/03/2020 17:06

I would give that whole thing a wide berth.

It's your DH's responsibility to maintain (or not) his relationship with his parents. Not your department.

His responsibility. Not yours.

Dozer · 31/03/2020 17:44

Stop with the “emotional labour”. Your H’s relationships with his family members are for him to manage, which he’s doing.

mbosnz · 31/03/2020 18:00

Well it sounds like he's got very emotionally immature parents. Which in turn, surely impacts on how emotionally mature or intelligent he can be expected to be, given that they modelled what is expected, and moulded him. To me, it sounds like he's doing quite well considering.

And, quite frankly, they need to grow the hell up and get with the program.

Holothane · 31/03/2020 18:08

Ditch her she’s selfish and controlling.

Windyatthebeach · 31/03/2020 18:13

No way did my mil have my number. Suggest you also leave her to dh....

whiteblankpage · 31/03/2020 19:51

Yeah after this afternoons message about her still being heartbroken I’m definitely disengaging, there are far too many other things to worry about. Not once asked about the kids either so pot-kettle springs to mind.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 31/03/2020 19:58

she got no call on her only special day.

So she doesn't have a birthday then? Massive drama llama behaviour.

I see the sense in ignoring, though I would be tempted in your shoes to reply with 'I'm surprised you haven't answered when he's texted you and tried to Facetime you then'.

whiteblankpage · 31/03/2020 20:02

I did respond with that, I said he had apologised and tried to face time twice, which she said she ‘didn’t do’. But that’s not true because we do it at Christmas/birthdays if we’re not with them.
She is a proper drama llama, but PP is right - he models a lot of their own behaviour and they don’t like it reflected back at them

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 31/03/2020 20:05

What a self centred woman, so she hasn't asked about the kids and how you are all coping?

Windyatthebeach · 31/03/2020 20:37

My stress levels regarding the dc dropped dramatically knowing dh had her to deal with.
Dropped to nil when I stopped visiting her at all!

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