Zero way of getting married. Forced isolation

[oodlethenoodle]

Hi

I know considering the deaths this isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things. Our wedding was cancelled, we can't live together due to our religious beliefs and therefore we are strictly observing the restrictions. It's awful but we are doing it

Missing my fiancé awfully. I know lots are in the same boat and if it was up to me I'd go ahead with the move under the circumstances. DF even suggested it but I knew he really wasn't that okay with it - he's a lot more dedicated than me 😇

We even tried to have a small - one pastor and two witness wedding in our home at the last minute but our local council cancelled our wedding notice and didn't issue the schedule. They were very apologetic 🤷🏽‍♀️ just one of those things

I know I won't achieve anything here. No one knows when we can get married and a few months won't kill us, it's for the best after all. Just horrible though 🤷🏽‍♀️

lekkerkroketje makes an extremely important point - this quarantine is putting all relationships under strain; I think it’s probably for the best that you don’t have to deal with it on top of the usual “moving in together” foibles.

Moving in together is a big test of a relationship - dealing with snoring, sharing a bed, smelly poos in the toilet, bloody sanitary towels in the bin, sorting out finances, sharing space - I think these little aggravations would be magnified if you don’t have an “escape” of going to work or even just for a little walk to clear your head. Add in marriage and sexual compatibility and It’s even more of a challenge.

😂that’s brilliant! Definitely wait then!

Las Vagas sounds great! I hope it was going to be done by Elvis?
What kind of unforgiving God wants people to be apart from their most precious loved ones at a time of global pandemic?
If your DP insists you cannot be together at this time, is that someone you really do want to marry? Why do his wishes carry more weight than yours? Why does he feel the need to follow a man-made rule in the name of religion, when this rule does not prevent any harm, but hurts the person he is supposed to care for the most?
The rest of us heathens have lived together (and the rest) before marriage. It's good enough for us.
Is it not a massive risk to marry someone you have never lived with? Like buying shoes without trying them on when you have no indication of size?

A religious wedding and legal marriage (in UK law) are different things. Many religious marriages are not legal marriages in the eyes of UK law, you still need to be married in a civil ceremony if the person performing the ceremony is not also a registrar or the venue isn't licensed. The majority of Islamic weddings in the UK aren't legally recognised (unless the couple also have a civil ceremony) but that doesn't mean they aren't marriages in the eyes of god. As a PP said, could you ask your pastor if a marriage by Zoom or Skype is possible in your faith? You would still need to get married in a civil service later though.

Me and DH didn't live together till we got married, it wasn't a religious thing I just always had it in my mind that we'd be married then move in, then have children in that order.

Married 14 years now, together 6 before that so 20 years all told.

OP we got hitched in Vegas too at the Little Chapel of flowers, it was wonderful.

Hopefully the wait isn't too long till you can replan and have your wedding.

I got married in vegas was a great wedding witgh just our close family

do wait will be something to look forward to-meant to be going back in nov for our 20th anniverary will see if we can go obviously but can always wait

Spending possibly months quarantined with someone you have never lived with before would be stressful to say the least.
Is there a reason why you've been together for "years" and not got married before?

You are understandably very disappointed, but I really admire your reasonable attitude to this. I hope when the time is right, you have a wonderful wedding and celebration.

Oh, that's hard, I'd be shattered.

The reason we've been together "years" is because we wanted to spend as much time as possible getting to know each other before getting married - well as much as you can know someone without actually living with them

Divorce isn't tolerated generally although - I'd never, ever keep myself in a marriage that wasn't healthy - see previous point on dedication 😂

what style of dress you thinking? To go with the Las Vegas vibe

Ah, I see - thought maybe one of you were dragging your heels which would make me wonder if another short delay might be a good thing!

OP, this sounds tough for you. And you're totally 'allowed' to feel sad.
But can I just say, I suspect your wedding day will be one of the happiest occasions ever! So much to celebrate and to be thankful for. You and your DF will have the most joyous day.

Thanks for your kindness everyone

Patience is key..

I should be bloody well good at it after all this time

IF we ever get to Vegas I'll post a link for you all to watch - deal?

Thank you 💜

God needs to be making some exceptions here, its His fucking plague!

You might find this is a good thing in the long run. Better the relationship is tested now than when you are married. So you'll know it will last.

Also,just saying (and dont feel you need to comment on it as it isnt our buisness) but if you two have slept together then whether or not you live together is irrelevant. It would also show that he is perfectly fine with picking and choosing parts of his religion. I would find it worrying as it might mean he has another reason you cant live together and he is using his beliefs as an excuse.

Would you be moving in with his family if you married? Does he keep a clean home? Something potentially...is off.

I understand that you are upset OP, it’s hugely disappointing for you two and your whole family.

But please don’t make yourself more upset by saying things like “ I’ve finally got what everyone else in the world has “.

Not everyone in the world except you has a happy marriage and is cohabiting with their husband. Many women like you and in unhappy or even abusive marriages and they are trapped by finances or children.

Lots of couples are apart, because of work, serving in the armed forces, caring for loved ones or self isolating. Some NHS staff and other key workers are living at work, away from their partner and children.

Many people are widowed or divorced and alone or caring for children alone. That’s very tough.

So yes you are having to make a sacrifice at this time. Yes it’s very hard.Many couples have had to cancel weddings - two in my own family alone.

But many people in the Uk have sadly held funerals with one a few people . So many friends neighbours and extended family with no opportunity to say goodbye.

You will have your wedding and be together - it’s just delayed for a few weeks .

So yes it’s a tough time for you. But you are not alone in this, in both in a and human and spiritual sense. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

@ Wanderlust21 OP said that she will finally get to have sex, so that implies that they haven’t slept together before this.

I think people need to be careful not to just assume that things are wrong because the OP and her DF don’t live together. There are couples who don’t, in fact not that long ago it was the norm for couples not to live together before marriage. Just because it’s no longer the norm doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

On every thread people seem to pick apart a relationship just to apply red flags to it.

OP, it’s sad that your wedding won’t be going ahead as planned, and at the end of the day it would to an extent seem shallow to get married just because you want to have sex/live together at this point. I also agree with PP, the first few months of living together are trying even for the strongest of couples. I would say that getting married and moving straight into lockdown with no contact with support networks would test even the strongest of relationships and I think that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You want to go into marriage to start a life together where you can explore the world so to speak, not to be locked down in one house until who knows when 😱

Umm no assumptions were made, I said 'IF'.

But yeah I didn't see ops post about not having slept together either.

There is nothing off about any of this

We haven't had sex, he is the loveliest man in the world - if anything, I'm the goose on the loose 😂 he is clean and tidy, earns extremely well and is very loving and affectionate

I have no doubts we'll be fine through isolation, I'm just disappointed after being engaged and building myself up to my wedding

Financially we are matched - both own our homes of similar value

Living together with any man before marriage isn't an option for me

Oh, @oodlethenoodle sorry about the negative posters ; mumsnet is pretty horrible just now.

As a cynical and non religious old witch your posts warm my heart

Thank you 💜 no matter what people will always think our situation is weird..

Maybe it is 🤷🏽‍♀️ but we are in agreement with the weirdness, so surely that's the important thing?

I used to think a trip to IKEA was the test of a relationship, but it has nothing on a fortnight in self-isolation, with months more of lockdown to look forward to.

You may in time come to be glad of the the timings, OP.

It’ll all come good

I used to think a trip to IKEA was the test of a relationship, but it has nothing on a fortnight in self-isolation, with months more of lockdown to look forward to.

OP there is a lot to be said for living with someone, but there is also a lot to be said for not living with someone.

I don’t live with my DP and we only see each other at weekends because of his job/my location and having dc etc. But actually I find that a nice balance, because we have weekends together and during the week I have the house to myself and one-one time with my DS, and I get to go to bed and watch television at some ridiculously early hour and so on and so on.

That being said I lived with my now eXH for fourteen years, two years before we got married and then twelve years after that, and I wouldn’t have traded that then either.

Things will work out.

I am currently separated from my DP for the foreseeable future as he lives 120 miles away and I am in an at risk category, so realistically I think I’m unlikely to see him for the next six months at best. It will certainly be a test..