How would you handle this situation?

[FizzyPink]

I posted about this before but long story short my dad is an extremely racist ignorant small minded man and my DP is mixed race. When my dad saw photos of DP for the first time he said some awful things such as pointing out that if I had children with him they wouldn’t be white etc etc.

Anyway, I’ve barely spoken to him for the last year and when we have talked he won’t mention DP, likes all my social media posts but never if it’s a photo of DP, asked me for an expensive Christmas gift and then gave me half the amount he’s given me the last 15 years, basically showing how disappointed he is with me.

Essentially the man is a massive twat and I never liked him before any of this anyway but still saw him as he’s my dad etc. He lives alone, never remarried, has no family except my grandma (who he treats dreadfully) so I always just felt a bit guilty about going no contact.

We now haven’t spoken since Christmas and I’ve been unsure about what to do so have buried my head in the sand. He constantly texts and has now got in touch with my mum to tell her I’ve been ignoring him. She and my step dad and my DP think I should maintain a relationship with him as he’s my dad but I just don’t feel like he deserves to be a part of my life. But equally I feel guilty that he literally has no one apart from me. What would you do?

I’d just ignore him to be honest

But equally I feel guilty that he literally has no one apart from me.

Gee, I wonder why that is? Perhaps it's because he's a miserable, abusive, racist fuckwit. Seems to me he has reaped what he's sown.

It's very sad, but just because he's your father doesn't mean he deserves a place in your life, especially when all he does is being misery into it. I would not have him in my life, and I would be sending a final message as to why.

I think you need to make a decision and make it clear to these other people what that is and not to badger you. I would say do not resume contact but you have to give yourself permission not to feel guilty and tell other people it is not up for discussion. Easier said than done. The problem here seems to be the gobetweens

Oh for sure, that’s exactly why he’s all alone. He’s had plenty of relationships but they all end because he’s selfish and can’t accept he’s not the most important person in the world.
I just wish I was brave enough to send a text, I’m worried that will open up a whole can of worms with him and my mum will probably be annoyed about it (no idea why she’s suddenly become his advocate almost 30 years after they split) Which is why I’ve just ignored him up to this point, as it’s easier but I know I need to face it at some point

Don't send him a message but tell your mum and others to drop the subject - and mean it, or at least make them believe you do even if you don't feel as certain as you seem

I highly recommend that you block him from all of your social media, and you should also have a very firm conversation with your mother. She needs to completely stay out any issues between you and your father, and her giving you any sort of pressure is not acceptable. Tell her the topic of your relationship with your father is now closed. Why she even communicates with him is beyond me.

Presumably your mum feels guilty, gawd knows why, and it makes her feel better to spread the guilt. Don't let her!

The way to decide is to think about how you'd feel if he passed away without having had further contact with you. If you'd regret it (from your point of view, not his) then there's your answer. Only you can decide.

That’s actually an interesting way to look at it @blackberrysoup I said to DP last night that as terrible as it sounds, if he passed away tomorrow I’d not be the slightest bit bothered which I guess answers what I should do

Imagine how he would treat your children if you and dp were to have any?

Then that's your answer, but do be prepared that you may feel differently if it actually happened - speaking as somebody who has been there and done that.

You and your partner are a package deal. If he can't treat you both with courtesy and respect, then you won't be exposing yourself, your partner, and your hypothetical children to his bigoted efforts to control and manipulate you.

And your relationship with your father is nothing to do with your mother. She couldn't continue to stand to be around him due to his nature and behaviour, and she's got absolutely no moral right to seek to ensure you continue to do so. . .