Step parenting

[Fibennett289]

Hi, I've just registered on mumsnet for the first time in the hope I can get some much needed help & advice!
I am mum to an adult daughter & a 12 year old son. I'm married but not to the father of either of my children & my son lives with us. My relationship with my husband is currently going through a very difficult time due to my son's behaviour & I'm lost for what to do.
My husband has actually left the house for a few days because things have become so bad. Ordinarily I'd go to see friends but that's not an option at the moment. He is quite a bit older than me & has 3 grown up children with his first wife & I feel that he's not as tolerant now that he's older.
My husband thinks that I'm way too soft, which I admit I am sometimes but he actually thinks I'm subservient when it comes to my son. I see it more that I'm a relaxed, easy going kind of parent but I know that I sometimes let things go too far.
How can I mend the relationship between all of us & save my marriage?

What are the main issues? What’s his behaviour like towards your son and vice versa?

Hi, my husband has got to a point now where he can only see the negatives & calls my son names like "little b***d", (not to his face!). When he does this it really hurts me & makes me even more defensive. I see my son as a typical 12 year old boy - he answers back, thinks he knows everything & likes to push the boundaries. Getting him up for school can be a battle (which won't be an issue for now!), getting him to come off his Xbox to get ready for bed, especially on weekends when he thinks it's ok to stay up until well after midnight, etc. If he's 5 minutes late going to bed I don't see it as such a big issue but my husband sees is as another example of my poor parenting skills. I'm all for having rules & boundaries but mine tend to be a bit guild whereas my husband is more of a disciplinarian. He's turned 60 now & he goes on about the act that his kids would never have behaved the way mine does but I think that's partly him seeing the past through rose tinted specs.

fluid boundaries that should say!

My husband is in the holiday home sinde Yesterday after a row because he was pissed of about a stupid plate in the sink. My ds is a lazy sweet teenager with ADHD and i am laid back mom.
Dont know why h is so bloody uptight about shit like a plate in the sink. But i am fed up..

Meant to say - you are not alone in this 🌺

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. That's funny - uptight is exactly how I would describe my hubby over trivial things! He's currently off sick waiting for back surgery and has been for 6 months now, which I think is part of the problem. He's got too much time on his hands & because he's in almost constant pain, it's affecting his mood & his mental state. That's totally understandable but it doesn't bode well for a harmonious home life! In an ideal world I think it would be better if we lived in separate houses, then all the normal domestic issues we argue about would crop up! If we could afford it I'm pretty sure that's what we'd do.

Sorry but your son not getting up for schoom and staying on the xbox until after midnight sounds like you are far too soft a parent. That's not laid back, that's barely bothering to parent.

Your DH shouldn't be referring to your son that way at all. But I suspect he is at the end of his tether with it.

Why is it too soft he stay up after midnight on a weekend? My daughter does this - she is 11 - and she is up chatting to School friends?

My son does get up for school & is actually doing really well at school but I'm saying it's a battle because he farts about in a morning & needs a kick up the backside to get ready!

Your son is being a fairly regular twelve year old, your husband is trying to enforce his own parenting. It is not his place. Your son is not "the problem". It doesn't sound like your son is being particularly difficult or rude, these behaviours are not acceptable. It is also not acceptable for your husband to use the language you describe.
Being a step is very different and not everyone can manage it successfully (I've been trying for many years).
If your husband has got to an age where he is unable to tolerate teenagers then you may have to separate as your son should be your priority, not keeping an intolerant husband happy.
I have said many times, step parenting is a difficult, thankless task and not for everyone.
You may want to ask admin to move this to the step-parent page but be prepared to get a very hard time for not standing resolutely with your son.

Thank you for the sound advice, it's not easy for anyone to be told that their parenting skills are "lacking" & you definitely start questioning yourself. My son/children will always be my top priority & my husband understands that. He believes that we only have a future if I change the way I deal with my son when he "misbehaves" as if it's all my fault. He's not willing to compromise so I guess we're heading on a rad to nowhere.
With regards to moving this post - I don't know how as this is new to me!!

OP stop name changing throughout a thread. It's very difficult to see if it's you or not.

And I despair of parents that think children being on devices until such a late hour then going to sleep is fine. It's not good for their developing brains at all. I would be very unimpressed at children trying to talk to my DC at 11pm.