I seriously don’t know what to do with my 12yr old DD

[LennyPugGoat]

I have 2 DDs, My 12yr old is DD2

DD1 is autistic and academically bright. As with ASD she is routine and structure driven and I can’t explain how much effort and hours she has put into her revision for her GCSEs. Yesterday she was told that’s it, last day, leave at the end of the day and collect your books tomorrow, keep doing course work but we don’t know what happens next.

Understandable she has been in a high anxious state and we have had a couple of melt downs which we haven’t really had that level since yr9 but I’m easily able to handle and help her.

DD2 was upset, I think she realised she won’t have DD1 at school anymore, DD1 isn’t very empathetic or loving towards her sister, they do clash a lot but DD1 has really strong views around bullying and injustice/morals, right v wrong etc and has helped DD2 form friendships etc it’s a love hate relationship on both sides.

Today is our first day at home, I’m supposed to be working from home and had a 2 hr team call. I explained to both of them what I needed to do, how long I would be and asked that they went to a separate room and did school work whilst I worked and if they needed me just knock on the door and if I’m talking to wait and if just listening I’ll mute it and help them

DD1 chose the lounge and DD2 chose her room - I will add, both rooms have a Tv in and they had their iPads to access google classroom (I just needed to do this call, they could watch tv if they chose and after I would have sat them with me to continue studying online)

30 minutes in to the call DD2 decided to go into the lounge and tell DD1 to leave, that wasn’t the plan so DD1 refused and it all went off - my problem is DD2 She went apoplectic, screaming, it’s not the first time she has displayed what I can only describe as anger issues.

I can’t describe how bad she is, screaming, throwing things, defiant. I don’t know what to do to A; help her and B; save our family life especially during what is to come. Dad is here but working during the day so it’s just me and them for now.

And now it’s happened again. DD2 decided to put DD1s leggings and top on and DD1 wanted them back. I always wait a second or two to see if they can work the disagreement out themselves and then intervenine, I’m still working at this point on a deadline. Again DD2 went of the scale, total, weird over reaction, screaming the house down, threatening to leave. I’m so tired of it all and have no idea what to do

Sorry it’s so long

Nor does anyone else then!

I'm so sorry, going through the same here with my 13yr old and 16yr olds, I was on the phone to my diabetic ds who was trying to tell me he can't get his insulin, my mum is in hospital with a serious leg infection and they decided to fight over biscuits, proper screaming and shouting, DH shouting over them, I've ended up in bed in tears, I'm a key worker and also have my own health issues and I need my downtime, I don't know what to suggest, I've tried to be empathetic with my dd's I know they're scared and worried but so are we and we're the ones who have to keep going no matter what. I empathize with you.

Aww so sorry for both of you, what are we going to do? I’m trying to stay calm and focused on them and work and others that need help, it’s stressful and I will cope bit what can we do?

My work expect 100% working hours, I need to try and shop and need meds picked up and such uncertainty but we can’t burden them with all that.

How do we tell them, aske them... I’m lost

Well its attention seeking behavior. The causes probably; Being a teenager. Social isolation, etc. I guess you can decide whether to try love bombing and/or some sanctions but to be honest this whole situation is one massive sanction for a teen really.
Is ds1 able to understand dd2 perspective and have a bit of empathy? I think you need to sit them down seperately and try to get dd1 to not react to dd2 strops - eg just walk into her bedroom and close the door.
Get dd2 to try and open up about any fears or anxieties. Just sit and listen to her.
Dad needs to step up too here as well.

I really feel for you. Ds2 is academic and hardworking and autistic, and dd although neurotypical and socially adept used to get almost hysterical and violent, dynamics triggered in part by his fixed thinking anxiety and her unreasonable and passionate reactions. We had a lot of her throwing things, sitting in middle of stairs blocking us etc. And then ds2 being a nightmare in his way although you knew it was change etc.not his fault.
But she is 18 now and so is he (twins) and things are so much better. Looking back her behavour at 12 was very much puberty, and settled, also.she was acutely jealous of ds2 and wanted my attention, basically she had her own anxieties and sensitivites which were being overlooked. I was given the advice for ds2 that you always have to be able to talk through a change of plan before it happens, so think of all the things that might go wrong before they do. You are dealing with an incredibly difficult stressful situation trying to mop up their stresses and disappointments, but im sure they subconsciously know.how.hard you are working to love and cherishbthem and will.settle down over next few daysmonths.

Thanks stayaway I have talked to Dh today and said I can’t sustain this level of need plus work, we will do one day in and one day off at home next week if we can.

I love bomb DD2 lots, I’ve managed to buy bits and bobs to make being at home more enjoyable, she isn’t interested.

DD1 doesn’t understand empathy at all especially towards a screeching unreasonable unmanageable sister

nettle thank you, this is why I love MN, occasionally, very occasionally someone comes along and really can identify with the post.

What also helped us with these rows was to encourage things they did together. Our twins are chalk and cheese, completely separate friends for example and interests, but they both love singing Hamilton or Matilda songs together, and have done for many years (musicals I mean)but board games - carnage

No good advice but 💐💐💐

I don't have any answers but my dd has sn which can result in really angry meltdowns...they are pretty rare but when they do happen, it's incredibly difficult and my nt ds consequently had a meltdown because she just wouldn't stop and he couldn't take it anymore.

No advice but huge sympathy

It’s so hard isn’t it

DD2 has just come down for a cuddle and agreed to,having a bath like nothing has happened and we, as parents need to brush our feelings aside for them

It sounds like your DD2 is displaying anxiety behaviours linked to isolation and uncertainty. There are more and more resources coming out about it. Here are a couple:

youngminds.org.uk/blog/what-to-do-if-you-re-anxious-about-coronavirus/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/smart-parenting-smarter-kids/202003/how-talk-kids-and-teens-about-the-coronavirus%3famp

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/

There's also a great one from the WHO but I can't find it right now

Thank you janet lots to look into

How are we all getting on? We only had one screaming meltdown yesterday over hair straighteners

It was a good day. Today DD2 has taken herself off to bed and has been asleep for 3 hours so far, she must have exhausted herself out