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Original poster

What do I do - FIL is dying

21 replies

AnnSmiley · 17/03/2020 20:01

He has terminal lung cancer. We're on the last few days or a week. But obviously given how things are at the moment it's such a mess, hardly anyone is allowed on the ward, they're not able to move him to palliative care yet. DH has struggled so hard with anxiety and depression the last few years, he's not the most communicative of people anyway. We have an 8yo who's very confused at the moment between FIL and the current situation. I feel at such a loss, I don't know what to do to help everyone at the moment, it's all such a mess. Just reaching out for words of wisdom really, does anyone have any?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 17/03/2020 20:02

That is so awful. Your poor husband. Is he not allowed to visit, then?

CowgirlBride · 17/03/2020 20:08

Oh hun, I really feel for you. I said to my mum the other day I was glad my dad isn't around with all this going on, cos if he was it would probably take him and family wouldn't be able to travel to see him/support my mum.
If you can get on the ward to see him I would. Without trying to be morbid, it's likely the cancer will take him before CV will.

flowerycurtain · 17/03/2020 20:09

Oh crikey. No words of wisdom just
A gentle virtual hug. Be kind to yourself x

theThreeofWeevils · 17/03/2020 20:11

I feel for you all. Do everything you can - which admittedly may not be much in current circumstances - to get him moved to palliative care, where at least they will be more on the ball re pain relief. And may his death be a gentle one.

With sympathy

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/03/2020 20:11

Not meaning to be unkind here, but things may improve for your DH when your FiL passes.

My FiL was ill for about a year and DH was like a shadow of himself with stress and worry. It was actually a relief for him when FIL died, even though he adored him.

Fatted · 17/03/2020 20:12

So sorry OP. My sister is terminal, not quite at the same late stage. But she's not doing well at the moment and has just started self isolating. I can't visit her right now and I'm terrified I've seen her for the last time.

I have no words to say apart from you're not alone.

Purplewithred · 17/03/2020 20:12

It's an awful situation and there is probably nothing you can actively do to change anything - so just be supportive, calm, honest and be prepared to be there for everyone over the next week or so.

HappyHammy · 17/03/2020 20:14

That is so difficult for you all. Can he be moved into a side room so at least you can visit. I hope he is comfortable.

Original poster

AnnSmiley · 17/03/2020 20:15

No, that makes sense - the worry will be over, and at least we won't be worried about cv taking him too early, as we might have done a few months ago.

DH got to see him today, but BIL got turned away for some reason. Obviously the staff on the respiratory ward are struggling to know what the right thing to do at moment, I feel for them.

We had hoped DC would be able to say goodbye but that doesn't seem likely, anyway FIL is apparently a bit too out of it for that to be sensible.

One of my silliest worries at the moment is whether we'll be allowed a funeral. It will be very hard on everyone if we can't.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnSmiley · 17/03/2020 20:16

I'm so sorry Fatted x

OP posts:

frumpety · 17/03/2020 20:38

I think you need to stress the difference between FIL's illness and Corona virus to your 8 yr old, as in this was a very sad and very expected event so they understand the two are not linked to allay some of the completely understandable anxiety.
Can you ring the ward and see if there is a better time for all the family to visit , if they are well and don't have any virus related symptoms ? Most hospitals have palliative care specialist nurses, it might be worth contacting them and see what they can suggest. As your FIL has lung cancer he might have a nurse related to that too who you could contact for advice.

Almostfifty · 17/03/2020 20:57

That's not on, turning family away when your FiL is on palliative care, even if he's not in the correct ward.

I'd have a word with the nurse in charge of the ward and get that changed. When my parents were dying, we were allowed in all day every day.

Original poster

AnnSmiley · 17/03/2020 21:07

Thank you, I think I'll chase Macmillan tomorrow for advice

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Sparkletastic · 17/03/2020 21:11

Many hospitals are only allowing 1 visitor per day to keep numbers down. I'm so sorry for your family though. Any chance of getting a hospice place?

ScrapThatThen · 17/03/2020 21:13

Concentrate on normality and routine for your 8yo. Tell him correct info in age appropriate snippets to prepare him. Nudge dh to be mentally or actually saying his goodbyes. Sorry for what you are all going through.

FishingPaws · 17/03/2020 21:15

That's not on, turning family away when your FiL is on palliative care, even if he's not in the correct ward.

It's not that simple, OP's FiL is terminal but other people on the respiratory ward probably aren't. The nurses will be reluctant to take chances with respect to bringing CV-19 into the ward if it's not there already, they're doing an incredibly difficult medical high wire act. I am in no way downplaying the pain and distress that may be caused for the family of terminal loved ones due to these kinds of restrictions, but the medical staff are doing the best they can for as many patients as possible.

TabbyStar · 17/03/2020 21:17

I'd have a word with the nurse in charge of the ward and get that changed. When my parents were dying, we were allowed in all day every day.

We were given a free pass to a ward that was otherwise closed due to norovirus when DF died, though obviously NV not as serious as CV. It's terrible if he can't visit

Amammi · 17/03/2020 21:23

Firstly my sympathies to you all at this difficult time.

If it helps could your DHs family consider having a memorial service at a later date when things settle and you can do things properly.

So tough on you all but perhaps a small family gathering could be arranged at his home or somewhere private to pay tribute to him in a quiet way just amongst yourselves?
Mind yourselves and all best wishes

Nearlyalmost50 · 17/03/2020 21:38

Poor you, this is such a difficult time. If FIL is very out of it though, he may not quite realise what's going on around him, it may be harder for those aware of this than him at this stage. I hope he passes peacefully for all of you.

I think it's unrealistic to think the funeral will go ahead in a standard way- but there are some things you could do, have a very small one for immediate family (and promise not to hug!), have a service, memorial or cream tea (or whatever!) at a later date, or promise you will go out for a memorial meal once a year on that date. It isn't fair (I think) to ask people to come out of self-isolation or for over 70's to attend, also you may get a poor show which in itself is upsetting, but I'd start talking about how you can remember him in multiple ways, it doesn't have to be at funerals with 80 people there all on one day. You could get quite creative (but when the time is right, which is probably not now).

Almostfifty · 17/03/2020 21:47

FishingPaws, same as TabbyStar, there was norovirus on the ward Mum was on and they were closed to all but essential people.

They allowed us in, we just went straight to Mum's room and obviously used the sanitiser frequently. I know Coronavirus is worse, but still.

Original poster

AnnSmiley · 17/03/2020 22:53

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I hope we can manage some kind of tiny family funeral at least, for the children

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