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Original poster

When is it over? Not agreeing on DC

17 replies

lifeinbrightlights · 14/03/2020 23:46

I love my life with my DH and our one DC. But DC is 5 and I want another DC. DH says no. I don’t know which way to do. I desperately don’t want to share my DC childhood with split houses and holidays. But I’m not getting younger. Do I accept I’ll never have another DC to give my one DC stability and a two parent family?

I don’t at all imagine I can change DH mind about this. This post is about me accepting not having another DC or divorce I guess. Typing this is horrible.

OP posts:

EyUpDuck12 · 14/03/2020 23:50

Have you told him it's make or break for you?

Tootletum · 14/03/2020 23:52

Why is he so against? Seems weird to me is he only child himself?

Qwerty543 · 14/03/2020 23:54

I know I would never have been able to accept just 1 DC. I would have left to have a chance at having another one. More than 1 child was very important to me.

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SD1978 · 15/03/2020 00:01

If this is a dealbreaker for you both, then yes, you seperate. No one can compromise and only have half a child. If you're willing to seperate over this- is he also willing to? If so, that's your answer

Original poster

lifeinbrightlights · 15/03/2020 00:13

I don’t want the current only child to be split between us. I can’t being myself to do that to them. But the urge for another is strong and DH is definite against this.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 15/03/2020 00:20

Have you both sat down and have you told him this could be a relationship ender for you?

PerfectParrot · 15/03/2020 00:27

Do you feel having no more children is something you could come to terms with?

And consider that there's no guarantee that you'd meet someone else to have a child with before fertility becomes a major issue.

cheeseismydownfall · 15/03/2020 07:31

Bear in mind that whatever happens, a 'traditional' two-child family sadly seems to be off the cards for you. Even if you met someone else to have a child with, you will have to share the care of your first DC with your current DH. How would you feel about a subsequent DC living with you full time (possibly with step DC in the mix too?) while your first DC spends every other weekend away from you?

I feel for you, I really do - it's a horrible situation to be in. But the alternative may not be what you want either. If you want to stay with your DH, I think you have to focus on understanding his decision (if you can) and accepting his right to not want another DC. As well as reminding yourself of the benefits of a single DC (you will be better able to provide for them financially, you will have more flexibility in your lives, and you are doing a positive thing for the planet, among others).

Whydoesit · 15/03/2020 08:40

I knew I wanted more than one child but I wouldn’t have left over it.

Leaving an otherwise happy marriage would have awful for DC1. Who knows if I’d have found someone else to have another DC with or not anyway? And likely it would have taken a number of years extra and would have been quite an age difference. I wouldn’t have wanted to juggle multiple children with different fathers and dropping DC1 off with his Dad and managing complicated family dynamics. I understand obviously sometimes this just happens because people get pregnant accidentally with unsupportive partners they need to break or marital breakdown happens but it’s not the situation I would chose if the opposite is a happy home with just the one DC.

Whydoesit · 15/03/2020 08:44

Yes this exactly.

I think it would be potentially quite a selfish decision and not in the best interests of DC1. I’m
NOT saying women shouldn’t leave when the relationship has broken down but if yours hasn’t it would be an awful thing to inflict a divorce on your child when actually you are otherwise a happy family.

Singinghollybob · 15/03/2020 12:19

I completely agree with @Whydoesit above

Itsashame · 15/03/2020 12:22

You’re happy in your relationship and you have a child together. You mention stability for the child being important for you but are considering breaking up the family?? MAkes no sense to me

user1353245678533567 · 15/03/2020 13:30

Do you feel stuck - whichever path you take is painful to you? I suppose all you can do is choose the least bad option, allow yourself to grieve the life you dreamed of having and try to focus on the things you do have.

Life isn't often about a good option vs bad option, and feelings aren't simple. You can be in pain about one thing and grateful for another at the same time.

HarrySnotter · 15/03/2020 14:13

What you're saying is that you love the idea of another DC more than you love your DH and a stable background for your DS? Absolutely no judgement from me but I want to clarify that's what you mean?

There's also no guarantee that you will meet someone else that you want to have a child with or that even if you did, you would get pregnant so I would think carefully before leaving a happy, stable relationship for an unknown future.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/03/2020 17:12

What message would it send to your DC when older when they find out you wanted another baby more than staying married and keeping the family together? That’s the reality if you leave.

If you are happy and want stability for your existing child maybe counselling would help you work out why that’s not enough.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/03/2020 17:35

Do you want your current family more than you want another baby? Will you resent your husband if you never have another baby? If it happened by mistake (and I mean a genuine mistake - please don't trick him) would he expect you to get an abortion? Would he resent you if he gave in?

distractingdissertation · 15/03/2020 18:10

Mine and dh's plan was always to have 3 children. After 7 years ttc (ivf etc) we had ds, we then spent 5 more years trying for a sibling with no luck. Then we did adoption, were approved but did not yet have a match when I was diagnosed with cancer. After 3 years clear we reapplied for adoption but were turned down as by now my dad had dementia and was living with us and sw felt his issues made us unsuitable. So after nearly 20 years we now have to accept ds will be an only one. I'm not telling you this for sympathy - I am very happy with dh and ds and feel very lucky to have them.

I'm just saying life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. If you genuinely love your life and your family don't throw that away for a fantasy plan that you have no idea if it will happen it not.

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