Feel like a terrible mother to my DC1 since I've had DC2

[username4069282]

My first DD was a really mummies girl. I bf her for two years so she naturally preferred me. She is my little best friend we felt like a little team. Since being pregnant with my second DD I worried how this would affect our relationship. Everyone reassured me it wouldn't.

However it has. I obviously can't give her the attention she use to have. She has done really well over all with her new sister. However she has started to be abit naughty typical toddler stuff/attention seeking. At first I did well trying to stay calm. But I'm finding myself getting more and more snappy with her. The other night she actually went to DH saying mummy's shouting at me. I know I sound pathetic but I felt really sad that she felt the need to tell DH.
Tonight DH has gone out so I have to put her to bed with no one to watch baby DD. Typically DD took ages to go to sleep tonight. Baby DD became hysterical downstairs. I lost it and shouted at DD to go to sleep. She then hid under her covers from me. I just feel like an awful mother. I can't admit this to anyone in really life but I don't feel as close to her somehow. She is now becoming a Daddy's girl.
I'm also feeling guilty towards baby DD as she gets a lot less attention than DD did but that's a whole other thread I suppose. Plus many friends have told me that's normal as I'm not afraid to talk about it.
Did anyone else feel like this with their firstborn?

Don't have time to write a full response, but be assured we have all felt like this. It's hard. Mum guilt multiplies by about 1000% when you have a second.

A year into having 2 I still occasionally cry about it because I feel like I'm constantly sidelining one child.

All you can do is your best. Try to give both some individual attention as best you can, and don't beat yourself up about it.

Yes! I felt angry and resentful towards both of them - to the toddler for distracting me from the newborn, and to the newborn for preventing me from playing with the toddler. The toddler also started acting up big time. It got better when I realised that I was more angry at myself (for not being able to give either of them my full attention) than I was with them. But no matter how much you want to, you can’t split yourself in two and do it all, so don’t waste your energy feeling bad about it. You and the babies will learn to adapt. It’s taken us a few months but we’re doing well now!

Also someone told me that even if the younger one won’t get the same amount of attention as their sibling, they will have the benefit of having an older brother or sister, which is something the firstborn obviously won’t get, so it all evens out in the end!

My ds was 5 when my dd was born and I felt really guilty, even cried daily, about the lack of attention I was giving him especially as we really spent so much more time together in the lead up to giving birth due to mat leave. I've found communication is key and lots of bed time stories and encouraging ds to read to me and dd for his homework. A couple of one on one things like going to the cinema together have worked wonders. It will get better.

How old is your first DD?

This makes me sad, i know this will be exactly me in a few months. Toddler has already started playing up and baby not even here yet.
Hope it all gets better for you soon. 🌸

Thank you everyone it's reassuring to know it's common.
@12345ct she's just turned 3.
@123456kent thank you congratulations on your pregnancy. It's not all bad it's true you love them both equally and my heart melts when my older DD gives her baby sister a kiss or some affection

@HulaHoop2 that's a good way of looking at it

I don't believe in the "mummy's girl" v "daddy's girl" nonsense. In healthy families children have good relationships with both their parents. My DS sometimes wants me and sometimes wants his dad. It's normal for children to go through phases of preferring one or the other. And tbh I think it's quite healthy for you NOT to always be available and for your child to go their father instead sometimes. If a parent/child relationship is so close that you describe them as your "best friend" (which seems a bit weird to me) then perhaps some boundaries are healthy. Have you literally never got frustrated with your DD before? For tips on dealing with challenging toddler behaviour and managing your own emotions I really recommend the website www.ahaparenting.com, it has lots of helpful articles.

I would try to bear in mind that your older DD would probably have started to develop challenging toddler behaviours at that age even if you didn't have DD2, only children do display the same behaviours, it's normal.

@NameChange30 I never said she didn't have a good relationship with her father. She has always had very good relationships with many family members.
Also find it sad that you think I'm weird for calling my daughter my best friend. We spend 90% of our time together. Going out doing fun things. I'm very close to my mum we go out together regularly I tell her everything. She is also like a best friend would that make me and my mum weird.

Oh I remember this stage. My eldest son was 3 1/2 when number two arrived. Ds2 was the clingiest and noisiest baby. I really did think I'd damaged my relationship with ds1 as ds2 was just so demanding.
I didn't have a magic formula for it. Just that as they both got older ds1 became more understanding and ds2 became less demanding! But that's hard to see when you're stressed and sleep deprived!

My son is my best friend! He is literally the funnest person in the world! And he’s only 2!

That's lovely @HulaHoop2. Find it sad that people can think your too close to your child if you see them as a best friend.

@username4069282 i think its more that if your best friend is a toddler then you're unlikely to be getting the emotional support and input you need from adult relationships. Its not the same as your best friend being your mum when youre 32, you're both adults then.

I don’t think OP is saying that she treats DD like an adult best friend. Most people I know call their children their best friend. I often do with my DD. Even though I have adult close friends to talk to!
@username4069282 my DD is the same age as yours and an only. She gets all my attention when I’m not at work and she has been incredibly trying these past few weeks. I think it’s an age thing.
However you said it takes ages for DD to go fo sleep. If you’ve read her a story and had a kiss and a cuddle would you be able to leave her with an audiobook or some calm music rather than staying in her room.

Nah, DS is not my best friend.
He is my favourite person in the whole world and we love each other very much but we are not friends.
I had a mother who had unhealthy boundaries so I am probably being sensitive to it, in most cases I'm sure people read less into it, but for me the distinction between parent/child relationship and friendship is very important.
Anyway I don't want to derail the discussion any more than I have!
I did actually have what I thought was a helpful suggestion but that has been ignored because of my comment about the "friend" thing.

OP, I have so much sympathy for you. The early weeks and months of having two are HARD. We've all felt that way at some point, you are not alone!

One thing I found really, really helpful was something I read when I was expecting DC2. Your firstborn relies on you a lot more for their socialization and stimulation than any subsequent children. So when you have your second baby, you're likely to feel like you need to give more of your attention to baby - perhaps 70/30. But actually, your baby will watch and learn so much from your first - and your firstborn will suffer more from having the majority of your attention withdrawn when they've been used to having it all. The thing I read recommended that actually, when it comes to dividing your attention, you should aim more for a 60/40 split in favour of your eldest, as far as possible. Don't feel guilty for not being there all the time for baby - so long as their needs are being met, they will be fine watching you interact with your eldest! I hope that's helpful