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Original poster

DM still driving at 80, but how do I tell her she is no longer safe?

24 replies

TheLowry · 10/03/2020 18:38

So DM's driving is deteriorating - we're just waiting for an accident to happen. Obviously giving up driving is a huge deal and very difficult, but she really isn't safe any more.
Any suggestions or advice on the best way to approach this with her?

OP posts:
cptartapp · 10/03/2020 18:44

My DM and another woman were killed in a car accident by a pensioner who drifted across lanes. He had an unblemished driving record prior to that.
My GM was driving until she was 87 and only stopped when two police knocked at her door. CCTV has caught her hitting two cars in the doctors car park. She hadn't even noticed.
If you feel she's not safe and you can't reason with her, you can report her anonymously to the DVLA.

Chasingsquirrels · 10/03/2020 18:48

You need to make it clear to her that she is no longer safe on the roads, to herself or others.

I feel for her - it's a massive restriction on your life, and for you for having to impart this information.

But you have to do it and TBH in order to make it clear you will probably have to be quite blunt about it.

ploppityplop · 10/03/2020 18:51

report to DVLA. You can do it anonymously.

AllPointsNorth · 10/03/2020 18:51

Just tell her. My father was furious when I did it, but I told him that if his driving killed or injured someone, his grandchild for example, I’d never forgive him.
You’re waiting for an accident to happen? Fuck that for an attitude.

Doryhunky · 10/03/2020 18:53

You need to report her.

ILikTheBred · 10/03/2020 18:54

Report her to the police. MIL was put off the road by them when four separate complaints were made about her driving. I felt sad for her but it was absolutely the right thing - she was a danger to herself and others.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2020 18:57

You tell her she needs to stop driving voluntarily or you will be forced to report her. The safety of everyone around her trumps her feelings. She may get angry, but so be it. If you know she is a danger you have a responsibility to stop her from driving.

SpiltMilk100 · 10/03/2020 19:21

I told him that if his driving killed or injured someone, his grandchild for example, I’d never forgive him

This is the exact tactic we used on my grandad. Asked how be would feel if someone killed my DC because they were too stubborn to give up their licence. He soon stopped. Its been a year now (he's 87 tomorrow) and although he finds it hard, he knows it was the best decision.

Windyatthebeach · 10/03/2020 19:23

Beware reporting to dvla. I reported my exh and included pics of him driving wearing huge medical boots and nothing happened.
Ask the police for advice.

81Byerley · 10/03/2020 19:25

You could start the conversation by asking when her license is due for renewal. And depending on her reply you could continue. Perhaps ask her if she is thinking of renewing or does she think perhaps at her age it might be time to give up driving. Remind her that when she hasn't got insurance, MOT, petrol, servicing, etc, to pay for, she could afford taxis instead. Once you have said these things, it should be easier to say that you think it's probably safer for her to stop driving now.

newhousestress · 10/03/2020 19:25

Not sure this is recommended but my mum and dad just took the keys away. Reasoned discussion hadn't worked.

Rainbowshine · 10/03/2020 19:28

To make it easier for her to accept you saying that you’re worried about her driving you could suggest alternative transport e.g dial a ride or similar, online shopping and so on. If she doesn’t accept it I concur with others that you would need to report to DVLA. Do you know how long is left of the three years period of her license?

eeeyoresmiles · 10/03/2020 19:31

If you think she is dangerous then just stopping her getting behind the wheel seems appropriate - just as you would if she'd been drinking.

She will hate it but this isn't really a time for tact - you wouldn't say to someone whose driving had got dangerous due to drink that perhaps they should think about not driving on nights when they'd been drinking. You'd stop them doing it even once more (or you'd report them).

To soften the blow, could you create an account with a good local taxi firm until she's able to free up money by selling her car? Having a reliable taxi could let her keep her independence a bit more than suddenly being stuck with buses or asking family for lifts.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/03/2020 19:32

Can I suggest having ideas for support in place when you speak to her.

Think about how much taxis cost. Is there a local firm who have regular drivers and she can set up an about?

How she can get to the GP/dentist/ hospital/hairdressers/ bank/ her social life?

What about food shopping etc.

It might help if you are ready to deal with the reasons she gives to keep driving.

Goingunderground2 · 10/03/2020 19:35

Kind words and gentle truths. But tell her.

Work our costs of taxis to her favourite places, and promote the convenience of not carrying shopping to car etc. Of set costs of taxis against car costs. We have a relative costs were better to not drive!

Dragongirl10 · 10/03/2020 19:36

I have still got a neck injury 2 years after being badly rear ended by a 90 yr old with poor vision....we were stationary at the time.

My car (a big estate) was so crumpled it was written off...we had both Dcs in the car, one has ongoing back problems, and had just dropped our puppy off, ( he would have been crushed in front of Dcs)

I was furious, he should never have been behind the wheel, please be strong and stop her.

eeeyoresmiles · 10/03/2020 19:43

There are taxi drivers in our very small local area who basically spend the whole day driving naice elderly ladies around from appointment to appointment. If you can find a firm with nice cars (not grotty smelly ones) then she might find even find it a more relaxing way of getting about.

Purplewithred · 10/03/2020 19:46

Have you got concrete examples of errors she has made or what she's doing wrong?

mumwon · 10/03/2020 19:54

check voluntary drivers in her area or whether they have a dial a ride?

BreatheAndFocus · 10/03/2020 19:55

Driving is a privilege not a right. I get really pissed off at older people who continue to drive when they shouldn’t. You have to be frank with her, and if she refuses, report her.

FinallyHere · 10/03/2020 20:03

We sent DM for an assessment and lo and behold, she passed with flying colours. Sigh

Five years later, eye check up said that she was no longer safe to drive. DM seemed to think she would be OK if she stuck to local trips only.

I filled out the surrender licence on her behalf and she seemed ok to go with it when they write to thank her for surrendering her licence. All blamed on DVLA. Win win

Rainbowshine · 10/03/2020 20:09

This is useful if you’re worried about how to hold the conversation

www.which.co.uk/later-life-care/carers-and-caring/concern-about-driving-in-later-life/talking-to-a-loved-one-about-their-driving-a4u259j3k9tw

I would say bite the bullet and just do it. Like pulling the plaster off.

Original poster
TheLowry · 10/03/2020 21:36

You are all right. Thanks for the same up call. Time to get tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLowry · 10/03/2020 21:37

Wake up not same up

OP posts:
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