Long story short, I left H a couple of months ago. We have a son together who is 2 and a half and my own son from a previous relationship, who's 9. H was around from the age of about 5, so 4 years more or less.
I'm going by what my eldest wants right now which is to still see H, which he does with his younger brother (who's biologically H's). But without writing a huge essay on him, I just know when he finally moves on he's not going to be very interested. And he was controlling so if I dared to move on it would be toxic for my eldest to see H as he'd definitely say underhand things to him and be childish.
What have other people done? He's currently seeing them both on Sundays but I'm already frustrated because he got too pissed last Saturday and cancelled on DS who was very disappointed. Obviously my youngest was unaware. Eldest DS has a bio dad in the picture who he has regular contact with and looks up to so he does have that make role model. I'm just so torn between gently slowing contact now to save him the hurt of an abrupt break in the future, or letting this carry on as it is.
I was thinking of suggesting I take him somewhere we couldn't normally go if we had my youngest in tow, like the cinema or museums etc. Places he loves but we can't do much with a toddler. So he has some nice 1 on 1 time with me and isn't feeling left out. I guess I just don't want to do anything to hurt him because he's at such a crucial age and growing up so fast.
I'm also torn because H has been manipulative and controlling towards me and has no boundaries. I had to stop him coming in the house because he kept touching me after I asked him not to (I. E. unwanted hugs, back strokes, touching my hair, standing very very close even though it was clear I was so uncomfortable). I don't trust him not to say something inappropriate to DS if he felt it served him somehow. The mum guilt from all this is eating me alive this week, on top of fending off unwanted advances from H and just trying to keep firm boundaries in place.