To think I won't be able to breastfeed because of this

[cucumbercookie]

Long story but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.
I'm 37 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and I'm desperate to breast feed. I tried breast feeding last time but I received absolutely no support and I ended up stopping completely after about 2 weeks of combo feeding.
I have been through some traumatic experiences in the past and it's really effected my relationship with my body, particularly my breasts, to the point where I wouldn't even take my bra off in front of DP for over a year when we met.
When I had DS I was in a private room on the postnatal ward as all the beds were full and for some reason the fact that this time I'll most likely be trying to establish breast feeding with strangers literally metres away behind a curtain that anyone could open at any time terrifies me to the point of having an anxiety attack. As pathetic as it sounds I absolutely will not be able to do it. Not only is there going to be midwives coming in and out without being able to knock they also allow men to stay over on the postnatal ward in my hospital and even just the possibility of them accidentally walking in makes me want to throw up.
I'm absolutely gutted as I think breastfeeding could have really helped improve my relationship with my body as my breasts are literally there to feed my child and I don't see how I could feel such trauma about them after they'd done such an amazing thing. I also would love to have that bond with DD after suffering pnd last time.
Is this worth chatting to the midwife about or would you just accept that it's no longer a possibility?
If you've made it this far then I'm sorry this is so long and ridiculous sounding

There’s a charity called La Leche that specialises in supporting mums who breast feed or want to breast feed. I’ve never used them but I’ve herd good things about them. It might be worth talking to them.

www.laleche.org.uk/get-support/

I understand as far as I can what you must be going through.
Could you ask your midwife if there is any specially support? Is your dh able to advocate for you.
In my area there is a volunteer doula group who would offer support and advocacy.
Dr Jack Newman, The Leaky Boob, Milk Matters are some online resources that spring to mind.

It doesn’t sound at all pathetic. Could you ask if they have a private room you could feed in or any bf support?

Most hospitals you Can pay for a private room. You can also buy capes for breast feeding (Velcro round your neck) not ideal for newborn but could maybe give you more privacy.

If you haven't already, I'd recommend counseling to deal with the underlying issues behind how you feel about your body and your mental health.

Thanks everyone! I'll definitely look at the links and possibly mention it to midwife when I see her. I don't know how it's only just occurred to me but it popped into my head when I was writing my birth plan and then it became all I could think (stress!) about.
Re counselling I'd been on the waiting list for nearly a year and finally got offered sessions only to be told they don't deal with childhood sexual abuse and I'd have to get a referral to a different place which would have been another years wait and I was so upset that I didn't bother going ahead. Safe to say I regret that now.

Also, if you are not comfortable with women, Just to let you know, they will always want to look at the latch. So maybe tell them in advance.
I hate my boobs and they would always come up close and have a good look and I would die inside a little

You can still give baby their first feed while you're in the delivery suite. Do you have reason to think you'll need to stay in after the birth?

Hi OP, it's definitely worth chatting to your midwife about, you don't have anything to lose by seeing if there's anything they can do to help.
Things to consider include:

Can you pay for a private room at your maternity unit?
As it is your second baby you might not have to stay overnight if the birth is straightforward?
Is a home birth something you'd consider?
Is there a breasfeeding peer support group near you? Might be worth visiting them before the birth (most groups let you do this) to see if they have any wisdom.

If you have a stay in the hospital after birth but don’t want to feed there, you can still establish breastfeeding at home in your own time. You could get in touch with LLL or NCT now and see if you can find someone in your area who you could get to know who could support you after, whether on the phone or in person .

Meanwhile in the hospital it would be beneficial for establishing breastfeeding for you to do some hand expressing into a syringe or express a little with a small silicon pump which you could do easily under a baggy top. You can cup feed or syringe feed the baby while there they are techniques used when babies are having trouble latching. If the midwives understand what you need, they should support you with this.

A little bit of hand expression from 38 weeks is ok unless you are at risk of premature birth and it might give you some idea how you are feeling about your body now? There are YouTube videos to show technique.

Or you can decide to formula feed from the start if you think it might give you more peace of mind. You have options

Ooh also, my hospital has a little side room available for people to feed in, perhaps there's something like that available.

I was given a private room when I had DS because of a history of sexual assault; I didn't think I would have been able to cope on a ward especially when there were random men around. My hospital could not have been more accommodating. Wishing you all the best

If you could get a private room that would deffo help.

Also, as you have a few weeks until baby is due could you try getting used to wearing nursing tops and bras and getting your breasts out in the comfort of your own home? So that it doesn't feel to odd to do it hospital, and you've refined your technique for getting them out as it were. Means your not going into it cold when baby comes along.

If you are is hospital for a few days and don't feel comfortable breastfeeding there - don't worry, your milk won't run out (doesn't properly come in for a few days) so there is always time when you get home and pick it up there.

I really struggled with breastfeeding and it was about 8 weeks before I started to feel like I was getting there - so don't feel alone in those early days (women the world over struggle, for some reason I found that thought comforting).

If you can seek support at a breastfeeding clinic after birth, do. They are very accommodating and would be sensitive to your needs. I went for about 6 weeks on the trot, lol. They were very nice and totally understood body anxiety etc.

Finally remember that fed baby is best, so don't beat yourself if it doesn't work out. The milk only phase of their life is so short lived - they'll be on solids before you know it.

Good luck OP.

An NCT breastfeeding counsellor realised why DD wasn’t feeding properly while we spoke over the phone - she didn’t even need to see the problem.

If you want to breastfeed, give it your best shot, but as a pp says, fed is best.

I think you're overestimating the miracles that bfing will perform for you tbh. It's literally nourishment and antibodies. It isn't a miracle cure for having body issues. You bf-ed last time. Mix fed for 2 weeks. That's when they get the most important bit, the colostrum. You did it op. Your boobs already nourished your baby and did the power of good. It didn't cure your body issues, nit because you didn't do it for long enough or whatever, it's just, it doesn't do that! It's totally separate, and you need proper therapy about it. Regardless of how you feed this time, you should feel hugely proud of feeding your first baby and for everything your body did for that baby (and this one of course).

With a second baby you'll be in for a much shorter time unless anything untoward happens, which should help. You might even be able to leave on the same day. Have a look at some of the nursing covers, add your concerns in to your birthing plan and talk to your midwife.

I think that you should specify on your birth plan that you went to be discharged as soon as possible after the birth, so you might find you are only in for a few hours.

Have you looked up local breastfeeding support? I’d suggest going to see someone beforehand to have a chat and explain how you feel. If you haven’t already, you can usually start to express colostrum now (I think it’s from 37 weeks) which might also help you get into the frame of mind of what you will be doing.

I needed a private room for a different reason and my GP wrote a letter for me to the ward and I took a copy with me when I was admitted. You’ve got a very legitimate reason for needing the privacy so if you’ve got a decent GP I’m sure they’ll do a letter for you. I’d also explain to your midwife.
I hope you get the support you need and manage to breastfeed without too many difficulties.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply
I have tested positive for group B strep which I also had last time, I gave birth at 8am and didn't get discharged until 4 the next day with a lot of nagging so I'm not holding out any hope for a quick discharge.
I'll mention it to the midwife but I find the whole thing a bit embarrassing as it's so irrational I'm worried she'll just tell me to get on with it although she's lovely and knows about my past and has been great so far so maybe that's silly of me. I'm just not sure what she can do.
I know that it won't solve all my problems but my primary reason is bonding with baby and saving money/time involved with formula, anything else is an added extra🙂

There should be a breastfeeding supporter who can come and see you at home, ask your midwife if there is a breastfeeding support group locally, there is one in my town run by volunteers and their help was invaluable.

PLEASE tell your midwife about the abuse and ask if a private room is possible, if you can’t tell her face to face then write her a note or ask your partner to have a word with her. I haven’t suffered abuse but I still wouldn’t feel comfortable with men staying overnight on the ward.

Your feelings are absolutely not irrational, they are your feelings and totally valid. It would definitely be worth chatting to your midwife if you can, to explain how you feel. Then when baby is born get as much skin to skin as you can, breastfeeding can just follow from there. Good luck

Just came to say, your worries are totally understandable and not at all silly. Please talk to your midwife about how you can best be supported. You deserve to be given the best shot at achieving your breastfeeding goal, whatever that is.

Speak to your midwife about whether a private room can be an option for you. I can strongly recommend LaLeche as they helped me with breastfeeding and were brilliant! You can call their advisors or attend groups so it’s worth finding out where your local group is. One thing I was told when I was really struggling with feeding my baby in the first few days is that in some cultures they believe colostrum is not best for baby so they formula feed until their milk comes in and then switch to breast feeding and continue to do so for years. If your finding the pressure to much in hospital don’t feel like giving a little formula is the end of your breast feeding journey. I wish I had been told that sooner as I spent the first day crying unable to feed my baby. Nipple shields can also be useful especially if there is tongue tie so might be worth having them in your hospital bag just to see you through. They hesitated to discharge us until they saw a feed but the support was really poor so my advice would be get support before hand and take note of where the support is after you have given birth. Midwives are amazing at delivering babies but do not have the necessary training or time that lactation consultants do

I had a horrific experience feeding my first. So with my second I expressed colostrum from 36 weeks (approved by midwife). Built up a nice stash. I made it very clear in hospital not to talk to me about breastfeeding or suggest it at all. I fed her the harvested colostrum until I got home and had lined up a trusted lactation consultant to visit me that first evening to try latching her. I was really happy with our plan and it worked for us.

Maybe think about what you need- the midwives were WAY more receptive to my wishes the second time around because I wasn't completely clueless!

Babies are different. There's a chance your new little one will take to it like a duck to water. (Can you tell I'm a hopeless optimist!) My second was a dream after horrific first experience with breastfeeding. Allow the possibility that it could work out this time and definitely seek support now and ensure your wishes are noted, i.e. sensitive about breasts being exposed etc. If when it comes down to it you just can't honestly that's understandable and no one should remotely give you any grief for that. Forewarned is forearmed. You'll have the benefit of knowing so much more about things second time round. Best of luck!