How can I deal with my Mum? Am I wrong?

[ThisIsMyStory1]

I'll start by saying that I probably harbour a lot of anger towards my Mum because she never upped and left my Dad even though he physically abused me and her 4 sons (she was married previously)
When I've tried to speak about it later on, she either:

• Cries and says I'm making her feel like a bad parent and everything is all her fault
• Heaves a big sigh, shouts and then walks off
• Tells me she doesn't remember it like that

Anyway, over last I've gave her around £2000, she's been struggling with bills since my Dad sold his company and even though he's in a new job she says it's not covering costs. I personally think she has enough but she's terrible with money. I basically paid all her phone bills for 8 months, plus she took out an extra phone contract and attached it to my number (my phone was in her name from when I was younger, even though I paid it) so I was paying an extra £25 a month for 2 years without knowing because she just said the company put the prices up.

I bought her a cruise for her birthday and it leaves pretty soon, obviously because of the Coronavirus she's reluctant to go but she's done NOTHING about seeing if she can reclaim money and is just telling people that if they can't go on the cruise, her and my dad will just use the time off to go on a little UK break!! No mention of the £1600 I'll lose out on!
I've been on Twitter, Facebook, phone, email to P&O trying to chase their policies, alls she's had to do is phone the travel insurance company and find out if they'd refund the costs because my Dad is an extremely high risk traveller, she only did that today. I've been asking for 3 weeks! The doctor has said it'll take 4-6 to write a note but they sail in 4 weeks!

I feel so under appreciated. Every gift I've ever gotten her has been exchanged or just not bothered with. She's now hinting that I should be paying her for the 5 hours a week she has my son even though she's the one who asked to have him??? DH and I are perfectly fine with him being at home!

She's not ever mentioned beginning to pay me back and I just don't know what to do. It's not even about the money, I just feel so hurt. Nothing I do is ever good enough, my brothers will always come first and be more important, she'll always take their side over mine. She has no loyalty to me whatsoever and I can't figure out why I have loyalty to her? I'm pretty sure she doesn't even love me, I can't remember the last time she said that even as a kid.

Is this normal? If your only Daughter bought you a cruise for your birthday because you've said it was your dream to go on one, would you be more excited? She's barely mentioned it, hasn't told any of her friends, it's like she just doesn't care

Ah, time to come out of the FOG man. You need to be more assertive with her. Trust me, the first time is the hardest but it gets easier.

No more bankrolling. Tell her you'll keep the bairn at home. Let her kick off. In fact, kicking off is what you want as you can go NC for a bit then. Then when you have, prepare for the flying monkeys, ask your husband to support you and help fend her off.

It's shit I know when your mother is not what she should be like. Unfortunately, some aren't.

@gamerchick I've honestly tried so many times, I've cried, I've shouted, I've tried ignoring her but every time I feel like this it starts to lessen after a couple of weeks and I end up back at square one.

My children are severely disabled so we have literally no support from anyone, we've had to beg for a social worker so my eldest can have respite during the holidays. I'm so isolated, it's only me and my husband really. She just cries if I bring anything up, if I say how hard the day has been she'll say something like, 'And I just feel awful because I can't do more!' Then start crying. I want to scream that it's not about her! I'm not asking her to do anything and I KNOW she doesn't feel awful so stop lying!

Your parents both sound toxic. I wouldn't spend any more money on her, and I'd probably look at reducing contact.

What does she really add to your life? She clearly isn't a normal, loving mum.

I think you tries to do a nice thing with the cruise, and it's sad that it isn't being appreciated.

She's not going to change OP.

Stop bankrolling her at least. No more money, tell her to speak to her sons and change the subject. Grey rock.

Ok, the cruise is up to her. It's the same cost to you if she goes or not so let that one go, and make it the last time you buy her anything .

Stop paying for the phone - you can't afford it. She can sort her own out.

Don't let her mind your son.

Write off the loan, you're not going to get it back. DOn't lend her any more money - again, you can't afford it.

Stop contacting her and when she contacts you keep it cheerful and brief.

Put your energies into the positive relationships you have.

You’ve got a choice here but neither options are going to be easy. What you’re doing now is trying to relate to someone who really only cares about themselves. You’re trying to get her to show remorse for the past by being a loving and generous daughter. You can carry on like this but she won’t change, it’s very likely that she can’t.

Your other option is to follow gamerchicks good advice and get some boundaries in place. Stop playing her game, it sounds like your little family needs you. Maybe if you cut the emotional vampire out of your life you might feel calmer as a result?

Look up the Out of The Fog website. And spend your money on yourself, you bloody well deserve it.

I've honestly tried so many times, I've cried, I've shouted, I've tried ignoring her but every time I feel like this it starts to lessen after a couple of weeks and I end up back at square one.

Don’t cry or scream or shout - she may well be enjoying the drama. Very clearly and calmly say no. No, I won’t pay you to spend time with my child, he can stay home. No, I’m not paying your phone bill any more. No, I can’t lend you any more money. Just keep building those fences but don’t let her get you to screaming point, if she does try to scream somewhere she can’t see you.

If you accept she’s always going to bring drama to your door you can set yourself up to expect it, and not be thrown by it. It’s a nightmare disentangling yourself but worth it for a more peaceful life.

My take on it OP is she cannot discuss what happened when you were little because of the deep shame and embarrassment and guilt she feels..so she is now on the defensive all the time as it makes her feel better...no excuse I know but she is so entrenched now she is happily destroying you as she is destroyed... she knows she failed you and she has to live with that and she is so screwed up she cant see any other way to get through life...non of this helps you of course.You have to live your life and she has to live hers. You need to stop giving and expecting because she cannot let go of her stance but doing that she willhave to admit what a failure she was and she cannot proccess that although make no doubt she knows. Step back concentrate on your own life and be the best you can be.She is suffering daily and rightly so but its of her own making and whats inside her head you will sadly never change.She has put herself as victim in order to mask her pain at badly treating you becauseshe cannot cope with the blame being on her for making you live like that...She knows full well what she has allowed,your hurt and distress by her not being the parent you needed her to be but she cannot loose face by ever aknowledging this fact,,but gaurentted she knows.

She sounds awful but tbh I don't know many people who would want to go on a cruise at the moment, especially if they have high needs.

I would expect them not to go and try and get your money back from your credit card company (hopefully you paid via cc)

Being a good mother and protecting your children is not as easy as some people think. She may have been unable for many reasons and totally disempowered. She still might be and you are encouraging her hopelessness by bankrolling her, why are you doing it? Tears and regret about the past are inevitable. Neither yu nor she can roll back the clock. You now have a complex relationship. Please dont just fall into the MN mode of calling everyone toxic. There are abused women on here unable to leave or be a good parent. Does that make them toxic? Or an abused child who as a result cannot have good relationships or prioritise a child? There is more than one victim here

If you read through your post with an objective view, can you see how you are setting yourself up to be disappointed by her again and again? She isn't going to change and she isn't going to turn into the mother you would like her to be by you buying her stuff, doing favours, whatever. You can´t behave in any way that will change who she is because you have no control over that. The only person who can change her is her, and she doesn't want to change. I think you need to try to get your head around that. I think maybe you are still stuck in the mindset that if only you do x, she will be x. Try to accept that you cannot influence and change her behaviour, you can only change your own, and that then maybe you need to start protecting yourself from being hurt and disappointed.

Nomorepoliticsplease of course there are battered and abused women who feel powerless, but they’re still making a choice. Children of abusive parents have no choice or power.

Nor is it the responsibility of the child to minimise their own suffering because of their parent’s experiences.

The thousands you’ve spent on her would be much better spent on counselling for you and a respite carer for your DC.

She’ll never change.

@NoMorePoliticsPlease Dad never abused her, obviously it wasn't a fantastic home environment but she was never physically abused or mentally belittled.

I feel like a child when I say how much it hurts. She's just not interested in me and I don't know why. She always said she was jealous of my relationship with my Dad from the age of 6, which always made me think that relationship with him was normal?

I don't expect her to go on the cruise tbh, I'd be worried too! But my issue is her complete lack of willingness to even try and find out what's going on. She's not attempted to follow the updates from P&O or anything.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

You’ll find some people over there who know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re not alone, and it’s definitely not your fault.