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What to do-a friendship one

14 replies

Whattodo121 · 09/03/2020 21:57

Last week my lovely mum passed away very suddenly. I’ve had lots of lovely messages of support from friends old and new, which has been fab. I’ve also had a message from someone who was my absolute best friend between the ages of about 14-20, we were inseparable-Like sisters. During our twenties we drifted a little but still remained very fond of one another and in regular contact. She came to our wedding 12 years ago. And then halfway through an email conversation regarding meeting up in 2009 she just dropped off the face of the earth. Phone calls/text messages/emails unanswered. Anxious I contacted her sister who confirmed she was fine, and I know through her that indeed she’s since got married and had a couple of kids of her own. Her ghosting me affected me profoundly, I was very upset for years about it, but had to accept that for whatever reason she no longer wished to be friends and that was that.

Anyway she has randomly got in touch to say that she’s sorry about my mum and how upset she is. And I have no idea how to respond. I didn’t even recognise her name on Facebook messenger because she’s married now. Scrolling back through messenger is really upsetting, because I can see the sheer number of times that i tried to get in touch with her and she just didn’t reply.

Am obviously quite nosy and would like to know a) how she is and b) why the hell she just decided 11 years ago to fall off the face of the earth and never reply to a single message ever again. Do I reply or ignore? We have no mutual friends so nothing to lose either way.

OP posts:
mnthrowaway202020 · 09/03/2020 21:59

Just say thanks and nothing else. I wouldn’t start a conversation but I wouldn’t completely ignore the message either.

loutypips · 09/03/2020 22:02

Sorry for your loss Thanks
I would say, due to the circumstances I would ignore the message for the time being. Maybe when a few weeks have passed by you can ask why she contacted you.

I think grief can do strange things to us, so it might be upsetting hearing why she did that to you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/03/2020 22:07

Oh so she’s upset, is she? Shock Wow.

‘You dropped out of my life years ago without giving me any explanation. I was deeply hurt but put it behind me. And you choose now - again with no explanation of why you dumped our friendship like it was nothing - now, when I am grieving my mum, to casually get in touch. Is that really who you are?’

Fucking hell, OP she’s nostalgic about your mum because your mum witnessed her girlhood. It’s about her. She doesn’t deserve much consideration from you.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

TenToTheDozen · 09/03/2020 22:33

I'm really sorry for your loss x

I also had close friend of 20 years suddenly stop replying to messages and cut me out of her life. She knew my mum well, so I can really empathize with your situation. If she were to get in touch after my mum passing away, I think I would find it quite inappropriate and cheeky to be honest. You're already dealing with so much right now, without having to drag up the emotions of what happened with your ex friend.

To keep things easy and to avoid any drama during this difficult time, I think I would literally just reply thanks and that's it.

SallyLovesCheese · 09/03/2020 22:46

Sorry about your mum Flowers

Reply and say "Thank you for your thoughts. I have to admit I'm surprised to hear from you after you stopped getting in touch 11 years ago. But I appreciate you being in touch now. I hope you're well? From Whattodo"

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 09/03/2020 23:17

I'd be so tempted to reply saying 'who is this? Do I know you?'.

gamerchick · 09/03/2020 23:20

Is ignore it tbh. Why open old wounds when you're going through it.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Whattodo121 · 10/03/2020 06:43

Thank you for your kind messages Flowers it’s been an awful week.

I just am a bit incredulous really-seems so presumptuous to me, but couldn’t work out if I was being unreasonable or not! I’ve replied saying thank you for your thoughts but have not asked any questions about anything to do with her life. I don’t want to get hurt again.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 10/03/2020 08:08

I wouldn't have replied at all.

ElderAve · 10/03/2020 08:23

Either just leave it or a gentle

"Lovely to hear from you, I always wondered what happened when you disappeared"

Depends how much you want to know v how much you dont need the aggravation.

billy1966 · 10/03/2020 08:49

So very very sorry OP, you must be reeling.

@AtrociousCircumstance
Nailed it.👍

Such selfishness.

Flowers
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 10/03/2020 09:00

Considering you've got nothing to loose here, i'd have replied saying something like; 'thanks for your message. Out of interest why did you stop contact suddenly all those years ago?'

TenToTheDozen · 10/03/2020 09:49

@Whattodo121 Well done OP, I think that was the perfect response. As you say, you don't want to get hurt and opening up any further discussion is just going to endanger you, which is the last thing you need right now.

In a way, it doesn't matter why she cut you off all those years ago. The fact is that she did it in a horrible and insensitive way where you sent her message after message with no reply. If there was no obvious reason for it, that's disgusting behaviour. It can't have been anything that bad or her sister wouldn't have replied to you.

Anyway, enough of that. It's time to leave it all in the past and focus on your grieving process. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Damntheman · 10/03/2020 11:57

I wouldn't have responded at all, but your message was well done OP.

I'm so sorry about your lovely mum.

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