I had a FWB a couple of years ago, I did like him and would have had a relationship, but I knew the deal and though I was sad when things petered out, I didn't dwell and didn't really think about him that much after a couple of months.
I didn't have a relationship or anything between then and now, didn't find anyone attractive or click with anyone, and was going along fine.
Until Christmas, when I suddenly developed a stupid crush on a guy at work. It upskittled me for a while, came out of the blue because I'd known him for a few months but didn't really pay much heed. We've since become friends, and I think that's how it'll stay tbh and the crush is settling down and I've calmed down about it from when it first happened anyway, I'm ok with things as they are, if something develops then it does, but I won't be pushing it to.
Then a few days ago bump into old fwb, messages follow and he wants to if not start things up again, then a one nighter. I was honest and said though yes, I did miss sex and with him, I want more from life now than Fwb, and I turned him down on the one night/restarting fwb. Obviously not heard anything from him since.
I know it was the right decision, I don't want to go down that road again, if he wanted more I'd try that, but he doesn't obviously so that's that, and I've accepted that part.
But I feel crap, logically I know I'd feel worse had I done it, but I feel really down and keep wishing I'd just done it, because it was good, and it stopped me feeling lonely, made me feel desirable, all those things. But yet I don't want that either, I'm so confused by how I feel.
I'm 40 and so this could possibly be hormones I guess, peri menopause, but God I'm finding it hard to deal with it all.
I don't even know what I want from this post really, just to let it out really I suppose because I can't talk to anyone about it.
I just can't work out why a decision I made, based on what I want is making me feel so down!