Help with a bullying issue please, year 7 and 8 girls

[Namechange3007]

Hi.
Not posted for ages but been on and off Mumsnet for years! My daughter started at secondary school last September. It's going really well, shes settled in and made lots of friends. She has a friend who lives on same road who is year 8. They have been close since they were about 5 years old and as they have to be driven to get a bus (5 miles from home, v. rural area), we have been lift sharing with her parents. They are also in the same tutor group which was done deliberately as they were friends!

This girl has started being absolutely horrible to my daughter over the past few months, putting her down, telling her no one likes her etc. She's had some stuff going on at home and she is clearly very unhappy. But it seems my daughter is bearing the brunt of this. My daughter has made lots of friends and I so think this girl is jealous of that, amongst other things.

Obvious situations are speak to the parents. Its pointless speaking to her Mum as she is quite a horrible person herself, hugely defensive and hard to be friends with (so I'm not). I have thought about speaking to her Dad (who is lovely) but not sure he would know what to do?? They arent together anymore.

I've said to my daughter I think I should speak to their tutor, shes experienced and very nice and seems to think a lot of my daughter, but my daughter doesn't want me too and I dont want her to stop confiding in me by going against her wishes.

Regarding the lift situation my daughter and I have discussed it and I've said we will stop it, it's really not an issue to stop so I am seriously thinking about doing that. Currently though my daughter says she doesnt mind the lifts but I think I should stop it.

Sorry, that was really long. I have thought about speaking to the girl myself. Asking if she's ok and taking it from there. Shes implied before that she wishes her mum was more like me and has always been so welcome in our home. Not anymore!

Sorry it was such a long post but I'm really struggling with what to do.

Thank you.

Bump!

Look at it from this point of view, we teach people how to treat us. This child has been horrible to your child and yet you still give her lifts, this teaches her that she can treat your daughter any way she likes, she might even get more girls involved in it.

What you need to do is, stop the lift sharing immediately and report this behaviour to the school. Don't tell the parents of the other child and don't give her a heads up that you are doing it.

Your daughter is 11 and doesn't get to call the shots. She is a child, she cannot see the consequences of allowing it to continue. She believes it will make matters worse, but it will get worse if you allow it to continue. If you nip this in the bud right now then maybe their friendship survive but if you don't stop it, it will possibly escalate.

I have taught my children the senario that you walk into a shop and you steal a chocolate bar whilst the owner looks on and does nothing. The next day you come back and steal another chocolate bar in the same manner. Why would you stop at the chocolate bar? The behaviour of the shop keeper leads you to believe he/she is never going to stop you or comment on your stealing, so why wouldn't you start taking packets of crisps, ice creams and a magazine? This is the same with bullies, if you let them do it to you they will continue to do it.

And yes, I have had to report behaviour to the school for my own children who are now in years 12 and 9.

Thank you. Yes we do need to stop the lifts. I'm going to put that into action this week. I have too. But by doing that I will have to explain to her parents the reasons why so will end up telling them.

I agree,my daughter is 12 and doesnt call the shots but on the other hand she needs to feel she can trust me. I will keep talking to her about telling the school.

Thank you.

She needs to know that she can trust you to do the right thing. The way to stop this is to follow the school rules about reporting bullying. The school policy might be in your DD's planner or on the school website but the first step is to tell a member of staff.

Re the lifts just be matter of fact about it, say they do not appear to be getting on so for a short while you will just take your DD to the bus stop etc.

I have been in a similar awkward your child is being a shit to my child situation, the mother was mortified which made it easier for us both to deal with.

Also the call the shots comment came across as harsh, I meant she is 12 so doesn't necessarily know what is best.

Thank you. That is really helpful. Good idea about looking at school bullying procedure.
She had situations at primary school and like all kids never wanted me to say anything to teachers but I always did anyway.

I will speak to the girls dad this week. He is the resident parent.

That's ok I knew what you meant.

I was so anxious about her starting secondary school and it's all been fine until know. I never thought it would be her childhood best friend who would be upsetting her.

Meant now not know

I never thought it would be her childhood best friend who would be upsetting her.

I think one of the hardest jobs of parenting is helping your child to navigate their way through secondary school, especially friendships. Don't fall into sunken cost fallacy, just because they have been friends since primary doesn't mean the friendship will last through secondary. Hopefully, this can be sorted, the friend learns the boundaries and doesn't treat anyone else nastily.

Thank you

I agree with all the above. Your daughter is 12 which still makes you the adult in this situation. Your daughter needs to know you will have her back.

I did inform the school, about my daughter's 'messy break-up' with her previously best friend. Which was a good thing, because things escalated, and then the school knew the back history, and were far more pro-active in dealing with the fall-out as a result.

My take on it, is that they are both learning. Your daughter needs to learn how to use the supports and systems in place in such situations, and to actually engage those systems - and that she can have faith in them (right up until they fail, but you've got to at least give it the ol' college try!). She also needs to learn that she doesn't have to accept people treating her poorly. The other girl needs to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable, and that it will not be tolerated, and that she needs to change her behaviour or there will be consequences.