Unhappy and lonely

[SallyLovesCheese]

I know I don't have life as badly as some people, and I do try to count my blessings. But I regularly feel a bit sad and sometimes get the urge to have a little cry.

DH and I have always felt a little lonely together, not having much of a social life. But since we moved away from the few friends we do have (closer to family and cheaper to buy a house) we've felt even more so. We have a toddler and don't get out much or have much energy. I work and am stressed at the moment, we've had builders in so noise and inconvenience for him (SAHD). People DH meets at baby groups are nice enough but he hasn't really clicked with them. I just don't seem to meet anyone.

I'd love to have even just one friend I could meet regularly at each other's houses, or someone DH could call when he feels lonely in the week and we could meet up as a couple at the weekend.

I'm not sure what the solution is. We're both tired as DC never slept brilliantly, so going out in the evening is really hard. We know only one or two people, not very well, in our large village. We're lucky we have each other, I know, but sometimes having someone else to talk to would be good.

I don't even know why I'm posting, really. I'm just feeling down right now and wanted to connect with someone, even a stranger on the internet briefly!

I know exactly how you feel. I moved over 2 years ago for my husband's job. Worst thing I ever did. My relationship collapsed and now I live somewhere where I have some people I am friendly with, but no real friends. It got worst since I got a job as the I no longer see the SAHM 'friends', I have a couple of hobbies, but the people I hoped would turn into friends there have moved on. I'm really lonely too. I would love friends to turn to. Or a friend to phone up and say, this film/show/ talk is on, would you like to go with me?

I pretty much use Mumsnet as it gives me the illusion of social contact.

So I hear you OP. I hear you.

I’m in a similar boat. Only we have two children with Sen and we’ve ended up on a different path to most parents and it has been quite isolating. We aren’t in an area where there are a lot of children with special needs. I feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time and often don’t have the energy to go out in the evenings.

allthiswasunseen Yes, MN to be sociable! I do that too. Sorry to hear you're feeling the same. No-one tells you when you're a child how difficult adult life can be. I never thought I'd end up like this.

DICarter1 I have a sensory impairment so I can understand, a little, how you can feel on a different path. Sorry to hear you're lonely too.

Is there a village hall? I'm going to offer the cliche advice of joining in with an activity. Choir, knitting, whatever there is on offer, I don't know, bellringing. Whatever there is, join it. It will be company, it will get you out once a week, and you may find some friends through it. Can you get a babysitter and go to a pub quiz?
Now the building work is finished, maybe you can invite the neighbours round.
I do feel for you, and I really get it, I was there once. And of course, when you are knackered and a bit down, the last thing you feel like doing is hauling yourself out there. When the weather improves and the evenings get lighter, it will be a bit easier.

Do you have a local coffee shop you can go to? I've been a regular at this place across the street from my house for about 2.5 years now, and have thus far become pretty good friends with a few other regulars there. One of them even went skiing with me in Australia last June!

Yeah, my life was good till a few years ago. Now I am starting over in my later 40's with young kids and no friends or family. It's hard. Sometimes I feel proud that I am trying really hard to keep going and building a new life. But realistically, I don't have time to form new substantial friendships, or a real career, let alone a real relationship. It sucks. I hate having no community to turn to. No friends.
Sometimes I just think, I really want someone to be able to relax into. Someone to say, 'I'm feeling low' and they would hug me close and just let me know they cared and let me relax into them. There's bloody no-one to turn to. I love my kids, but they are hard work. I am on a waiting list for support with my eldest. it's hard to keep going by myself. And no-one ever says, well done, you are doing a good job, I can see how hard you are trying. There's just no-one to see that or say that.

Sorry, I'm just having a moan!

pickingdaisies Joining something is good advice, not a cliché! I did join the local church choir but there is a distinct lack of people my age. I know age shouldn't matter, but when you have a young child (and are middle aged) and the other members are all either over 70 or younger than about 23, it's hard to feel that connection! You've reminded me, though, that there's a zumba class in the local church hall so I'll try that, thanks!

Us too.i have found motherhood incredibly lonely and isolating,especially since the birth of my disabled child. My dh works and I'm sahm and 90%of my time I'm lonely just getting through the chores.my 20s were the best years of my life if I'd know my life would be like this I'd definitely have thought twice about having kids.
I'm naturally a social person,love company so this situation that is our family life is incredibly hard.
Mumsnet is like a sound board, friend for which I'm thankful.

IcedMatchaLatte Unfortunately I don't earn enough to have much left over for regular coffee out. Plus it's insanely busy on a Saturday or Sunday so I'd be hard pushed to get a seat.

allthiswasunseen Moan away! My whole first post was a moan. Sometimes it really helps just to know someone has listened.

WhatAMum01 I really thought becoming a mum would be the beginning of the end of loneliness for us. I knew having kids wouldn't be a magic cure but I thought something might change. But it hasn't. Sorry you're lonely too.

If you regularly go some places and on little walks (and say hi!), you will make more acquaintances who might become friends.

cakeandchampagne Hmm, I will think of somewhere to go regularly, thanks. Not many places round here but you'd think people would be out and about somewhere on a Saturday morning.

Why not be the one who starts a group? Something that might attract your own age group? Book group? CInema club with a coffee and chat after the film? Gentle rambling and a pub lunch? Must be all sorts of things that don't require anything except your time. If one person turns up, at least it's got you out of the house. Don't invest too much emotion in it. Friendships build gradually and hanging out at each other's houses comes later.

Setting up something is a grand idea. Go to thw local pub/cafe say you want to set up something see if its okay to do it in their space. Maybe a kids walk followed by cake. If no one wanta to go try something else. Most will jump at the chance. Keep putting yourself out there. Its going to take a couple of years to get to a place where you have made lasting friends but it will happen. Go to things, volunteer in the community (set up a monthly litter pick or offer to go shopping for people who are worried to go for coronavirus). I felt the same with DS1 but was very friendly and tried lots of groups etc, lots of people didnt stick as friends but thise that have are great.

Don't worry if the first few people you meet aren't a good fit somekne will be.

Sorry for all the typos!

katy1213 Thanks, this is a possibility, I suppose! I'm not sure what and how, but food for thought.

Yestermost Thanks. As above, it's a possibility. I'll have to think of something that works around work and a young child.