Sorry but I need a rant...
I'm 19 weeks pregnant, Its my first baby and im nervous/apprehensive/excited - I can't wait for the first cuddle with my little boy, very scared when I think of birth but I know theres pain relief should I need it. It wasn't a planned pregnancy. I was on contraception as I never wanted children, but it turns out to be a beautiful accident, well for me that is.
I live with my fiance who suffers from depression. At first I didn't think it was too bad. He did go out often getting drunk but I put that down to his group of friends. It progressingly got worse when I moved to his area with him (previously lived 50 miles away). I only moved to his area 6 weeks ago. So he was going out every other night, getting drunk. It's got that bad he went out and met up with a girl who tried it on with him. He swore she only attempted to kiss him but he refused, I dont trust him fully now especially since she messages him and he deletes the messages.
2 weeks ago all the drinking finally caught up with him at a massive cost. He borrowed my car for a couple hours to see his mom. When he didnt come home after 4 hours I messaged and called etc to find out he was at his friends getting drunk. I told him to stay at his friends. So the following day he didnt get back til 4PM. My car nowhere to be seen. Turns out he was driving it, got pulled by the police, charged with drink driving and my car was seized! £250 and an argument at the police station for release documents, I got my car back. Muggings here having to borrow the money from my mom!
Hes going to get a driving ban etc and I was kind of relying on him when I go into labour to take me to hospital/ bring me and our son home. I can't forgive him and I'm trying to look past it. To top it off his court date is the same day as my 20 week scan so he might miss that too!
Now he has 2 children with his previous ex, he was with her on and off 7 years. He has a 5 year old and a 3 year old. It been through court etc, they live 160 miles away. The order states he collects them for weekend contact once a month and then 50/50 term holidays. Hes unable to do the handovers so requires me or his mom to do it. Baring in mind since this court order was in place (october) I have done every single handover and we would share driving. That obviously can't happen now and since I'm pretty much half way through my pregnancy I'm struggling to do the 8 hour, 320 mile round trip on my own. His moms to bothered with her new chap and I'm left feeling guilty for those two children as without me theyd think there dad cant be bothered with them! How on earth am I going to do this drive on my own now, with the bigger i get and then when I have a new baby?! Tried speaking to his mom and she makes her excuses. I really dont want to be involved but I feel compelled.
When I first found out I was pregnant, his reaction wasnt what I had imagined. Basically told me I should get an abortion. I put it down to his previous terrible experiences with his ex as she was awful. He didnt meet his lad til he was a year old and then his daughter 7 months old. Wasnt allowed to births or even to know theyd been born. So I sort of understood that he needed time. It has gotten better and he shows 'glimmers' of excitement at times. Finding the heartbeat on the doppler was lovely. Finding out the gender too was lovely. Every now and then he will kiss my stomach or rub my bump asking how hes doing and I love it when he does that. Although other times I feel if I mention baby I irritate him.
Our history is that weve been together a year and yeah I admit its been a whirlwind! We went on a few dates, he came round a few times and then never left because we clicked so much. Found out I was pregnant in November. Then Boxing day he proposed. Then moved to his area recently and although I dont feel rushed I notice how quick things have happened.
So due to the driving ban, he claims he has a drinking problem due to his depression and hes fixing the depression by drinking more so he doesn't feel bad. He hasn't got drunk since the driving ban but personally I think it's only a matter of time. He does have a drs appointment to get help for the drink issue and depression next week.
I knew he felt low now and again. Particularly if you mention his dad, as his dad barely contacts him and he craves so badly to be wanted by his dad. Or if you mention the children, he feels hes failed as a father. But recently it's now that bad hes pushed me away. He barely speaks to me, only really if he has to. Were so distant, he no longer comes to bed and sleeps on the sofa. I feel I'm walking on eggshells. Hes smoking again too.
I dont want to bring my baby into a negative environment. I'm so scared to leave him and I really dont want to but I cant deal with the stress. I've started having black outs, struggling with low blood pressure which they're saying is due to the strain of this all. I'm under a consultant etc.
What do I do? I'm starting to get such bad anxiety over this. Any advise I would really appreciate. Moving 50 miles away literally means I know nobody and I dont think that helps!
Thank you x