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Original poster

Would you be honest about the ring?

26 replies

Rainyrain · 06/03/2020 12:42

My friend has been proposed to. She loves him dearly and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
He is a lovely chap. She said yes and is very happy.
He proposed with his mums engagement ring - mum is still alive but hasn’t worn the ring for years - and he’s really happy that it’s something that has been passed down and can continue to be passed to their own future children etc.
He had it professionally cleaned and it fits her well but she really really doesn’t like it at all. It’s a pretty ring but it’s not her taste whatsoever and she doesn’t know if she should be honest or wear it for the next however many years to save everyone’s feelings.
When she shows it to people you can see that it makes her uncomfortable, it’s not a ring she wants to show off.
I don’t think I could tell him the truth and would have to wear it, what would you do?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/03/2020 12:45

Hm. I’d have tried to lead him down the right path before we got engaged (which is what I did do!) but I don’t think I’d want a different ring to the one he proposed with and chose, so I think I’d try and find something I like about the current one...

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 06/03/2020 12:47

Aw my friend had this.

She kept it, didn't say anything and is happy in her marriage. I figured she felt there was more important things than a ring. I do know she wanted a rock and got something totally opposite.

If it were me, I would like a really nice wedding and eternity ring that I loved, and keep the engagement ring.

MrsApplepants · 06/03/2020 13:30

I’d have to be honest. I don’t think lying or hiding the truth is a good way to start a marriage. She just needs to tell him tactfully and gently.

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Clothing
something2say · 06/03/2020 14:28

I'd wear it anyway, for sentimental reasons. My engagement ring is not what I'd have chosen, but its really really grown on me. I may alter it, but will never not wear it as it symbolises something very special.

antisupermum · 06/03/2020 15:55

I wouldn't say anything. If she does tell him, it could also set a tone with the future MIL who may feel like her ring has been snubbed. Definitely not a good start to a marriage. As a PP has mentioned, she can be involved in choosing her own wedding ring/eternity ring set and can always opt not to wear the engagement ring "as she doesnt want to risk losing a "family heirloom", or something...

SurpriseSparDay · 06/03/2020 16:02

Is is the stone(s), the setting or the metal she dislikes? Maybe his DM was never very fond of it either and that’s why she doesn’t wear it? Possibly she’d be delighted if your friend suggested having it re-modelled. And if his DM didn’t mind there’d be no reason for your friend’s fiancé to object ...

Twinkleyrocks · 06/03/2020 16:05

This happened my mum. She still wears it because she loves my dad but it's taught all my brothers to bring their perspective wives to pick out their own ring. Like a PP said if it's just a matter of metal, or even setting, speak to your mum in law. You mind find she's not been wearing it because she didn't like it either.....

BubblesBuddy · 06/03/2020 16:09

I think remodelling depends on age and value. A good friend inherited a marquise diamond in a platinum setting from the 1930s. She had it remodelled and the diamond was turned through 90 degrees so it lies across her finger. It’s now in two time gold. It’s hideous. It’s ruined the value and I still cannot believe she did it!

For smaller stones, it’s very expensive to remodel and plainly not worth it. Better to spend money on the wedding ring or a second hand eternity ring. I think people do know when they are getting engaged and he probably thought this was a good idea but unless it’s a rock of decent quality, it feels a bit penny pinching I’m afraid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2020 16:10

Yes I’d be honest. Would he wear a watch or piece of jewellery she gave him got sentimental reasons that wasn’t to his taste at all, every day for the rest of his life?

It’s her finger, her hand, her eternity of looking at something she doesn’t like. All because his mum used to own it? Why hadn’t she worn it for so long? Maybe she never really liked it either.

The idea that anyone should have to wear anything they didn’t like so someone else’s feelings didn’t get hurt is ridiculous.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/03/2020 16:13

Tbh my engagement ring isn’t what I would have picked but DH spent many hours researching diamonds (he is a complete geek and enjoyed it) and because of that I love it as it is symbolic.

Deadringer · 06/03/2020 16:17

I think it's quite weird that she is wearing his mum's ring. If it was from a great grandmother or something I would think of it as an heirloom, but it's his living mum's engagement ring, I would never feel it was mine. I think in her shoes I would say to him, it's lovely that you proposed with your mum's ring, that made it very special, but it belongs to her and I would like to go together and pick one out for me. He might not be happy but no way would I wear a ring I didn't like.

Lunafortheloveogod · 06/03/2020 16:19

Tact is key if she wants to bring it up. Maybe it feels a bit loose and she doesn’t want to lose a family heirloom so would rather a less flash ring for everyday stuff? Ring makes her finger itch? (Won’t work if she wants or wears the same metal).

Or if she wants to just say it’s not her taste she can.. MIL might not be as sympathetic he might be worse if he’s a tight arse Grin

WaitrosesCheapestVodka · 06/03/2020 16:23

Absolutely she should tell him. Agree with PP that a living MIL's engagement ring is not great.

Drinkandknowthings · 06/03/2020 16:23

In her situation I’d wear it but make sure I picked out my wedding ring. Then a bit later just stop wearing the engagement ring and just wear the wedding ring.

billy1966 · 06/03/2020 16:26

I actually think it is very strange that he would not have asked her what SHE thought.
After all it has to sit on her finger.

Did he just make a unilateral decision that the ring on her finger would be his choice and she would suck it up?

Cos that's a red flag there or maybe hes just a cheap skate CF.

I think hes been extremely presumptuous to assume that his mothers ring is exactly what his girlfriend will want.

I would not be one bit happy at all.
I think its extremely disrespectful.

I would be well pissed off.

I certainly wouldn't accept it and cant understand why she would.

Is what he wants more important than her choice?
Is she very very passive?

I don't know why she stayed silent the first time this cost saving exercise was mooted....Hmm

Ilovesausages · 06/03/2020 16:26

I would have to say something.

Why should she have to wear something that she doesn’t like to keep the peace?!

That also doesn’t sound like a good precedent to set for their marriage. Her feelings and opinions and taste don’t matter?

ZoeandChandon · 06/03/2020 16:31

I would say something. Honesty is an important part of a relationship, it’s a good test before they get married! And wearing someone’s else’s ring feels a bit weird.

Original poster
Rainyrain · 06/03/2020 16:33

She’s really not passive and she’s always talked about what she would like her engagement ring would look like.
I think he’s just got carried away with the sentiment and didn’t really think any further than that.
If she tells him she’s not keen on it there’s no way he would try to force her to wear the ring, no idea how the mil would feel. I don’t know her.
It also might be about money, I don’t think they have loads to spare so maybe that has had some bearing on things

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/03/2020 16:48

she’s always talked about what she would like her engagement ring would look like.

Then she should be very annoyed. He’s ignored what he knows she wanted. Not okay.

If money is tight he should have got something pretty he could afford that was in the style he’d been told she liked or a cheap stand with the promise to upgrade as and when they can afford it.

I’m afraid she is being passive. Why bother to say what you want and then accept it being ignored?

EstebanTheMagnificent · 06/03/2020 17:38

I think the ideal solution would be to get the stones re-set in a design that is more to her taste but this will a) cost money and b) have to be done sensitively as MIL is living.

I'd have to say something. I couldn't wear a ring every day that I didn't really like.

Something similar happened with a friend. The heirloom engagement ring was an unusual shape so she had to have her wedding band custom-made to fit around it, and now fifteen years into her marriage she can't wear her wedding ring on its own because it is such a strange shape.

Pogmella · 06/03/2020 18:01

How much jewellery does she normally wear? If it’s not much she could just get a sparkly wedding band and keep the engagement ring ‘for best’

ExpletiveDelighted · 06/03/2020 18:06

I'd have to say something, there is no way I'd wear a ring I disliked for the rest of my life. I would have hated to be surprised with a ring he'd chosen without consulting me, even if liked the ring. We chose mine together.

pussycatinboots · 06/03/2020 18:19

She knows her MIL better than you or us, but in her shoes I'd either say nothing and once married never wear it again or refuse to wear it as it is so sentimentally valuable to him/MIL and I would hate to be blamed for losing it.

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 18:26

Did his father pass away? Why hasn’t the mother worn the ring for years?

It’s a bit odd. Normally it’s a ring from a deceased relative. I’ve never seen one from someone still alive.

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2020 18:28

Sorry just seen your post that it might be about money, that makes sense, this wat he gets a free ring.

Which makes it even worse.