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Original poster

Help, mum looks after children, but its gets complicated

27 replies

Kelmai83 · 05/03/2020 23:19

Hi, I just wondered what people's opinions are. My mum looks after my two children whilst myself and DH are at work. My husband is off work because he is sick, he's picked up a bug and doesnt want to pass it to the girls. My parents are getting shirty because he still expects my mum to look after them even though he is off. Any ideas on how to navigate this?
Some background info we all live in the same house, we were living separately, but decided to all move in together to make childcare easier and lower costs, we pay my mum to look after the kids term time when I am working. DH is working and studying at the moment. Thank you

OP posts:
Youmakemehappywhenskiesaregrey · 05/03/2020 23:22

Surely if he is off work sick, it will only be a couple days?
I can see their point if he has been off more than say a week.
It’s tricky, what would happen if you were off work sick?

MrsJoshNavidi · 05/03/2020 23:23

Just how ill is he? Is he doing anything at all with the kids?

Original poster
Kelmai83 · 05/03/2020 23:32

He's only been off today and will be tomorrow. He helps out when mum asks, but does leave the bulk of it to mum. My parents aren't as bad if it's me, but can get funny even then, even when I try and work from home, and I get a lot more interruptions.

OP posts:

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SD1978 · 05/03/2020 23:34

Kinda with your folks- he's in the same house. Spending time with them in the evening- could pick up some if the day slack.

BackforGood · 05/03/2020 23:37

'Not wanting to pass it to the girls' is a poor excuse - if you are all living in the same house, then you are all int the same house.

If he is 'feeling a bit under the weather', then that is different from if he is throwing up / stuck on the toilet for hours on end.
Presumably, if your parents live in the house too, then they would be there anyway ?
Or is he refusing to have them for an hour to make the supermarket run - or whatever she wants to do - easier ?

curlyrebel · 05/03/2020 23:37

If you're paying your mum to look after them and she's living in the same house anyway, I can't see why she expects your DH to take care of the kids. If he's not well enough to be at work then looking after 2 kids isn't ideal (although many of us don't have a choice).

Maybe your mum needs a break though? How old is she?

Original poster
Kelmai83 · 05/03/2020 23:38

He does help me look after them in the evening, and he does help during the day when he is at home for any reason, if he is off work on annual leave then he looks after them the entire time, with me as well of course

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/03/2020 23:41

How is he protecting them from getting it, if he's living in the same house anyway?

Though if you're mum's paid to look after them, I don't know why she's being shirty.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2020 23:47

I can see their point really.

Being far too ill to look after his kids is one thing but actively avoiding looking after his kids because he 'doesn't want to pass it onto them' is totally different.

The chances are they're going to get it anyway and most parents have to look after their own kids when they're ill.

RosiePoseyPanda · 05/03/2020 23:52
  1. Move out.
  2. Pay for childcare.

Seriously, otherwise it’ll all end in tears or divorce.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/03/2020 23:53

He does help me look after them in the evening

Do you mean he parents his children in the evening?

Unless he’s self isolating in a room no one else goes in he’s not protecting anyone from catching anything.

I’m confused.

AngelsOnHigh · 06/03/2020 00:12

If DM is being paid fairly for looking after DC, it is irrelevant if you or DH are home for whatever reason.

She is getting paid for childcare. End of story.

I look after my DGS once a week while his mum (my DIL) works from home. Her DM has him another day.

We all pretty much ignore mum working away while we have great fun going for walks, playing games etc. DIL stops for lunch and then we go back to pretending she isn't there.

Original poster
Kelmai83 · 06/03/2020 00:15

He has a stomach bug, nausea and on and off the toilet through the day. He did and does have the girls to help make the day easier, like when mum does the shopping etc. He wants to avoid having to handle their food, change nappies etc. Where possible because obviously we would rather they didnt catch the bug, but we know they still might regardless.

We both work full time, and he has to study on top of that. My mum only has the girls when we are at work, and sometimes she helps out at other times, and it's only term time. She is in her late 50s, if she isn't well we obviously take time off work, and I have just cut back my working hours so I can work more flexibly, as she will often call me home when the girls have coughs / colds.

OP posts:
AngelsOnHigh · 06/03/2020 00:16

Will add that we don't want or expect to be paid for spending the day with our gorgeous DGS. We are even happy to bring our own sandwich for lunch but DIL drew the line at that. Said she's stopping for lunch anyway and always has a great lunch waiting for us.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/03/2020 01:08

Your Mum's being paid. Your H has a stomach bug and nausea. So he can't look after the DCs, obviously. She's watching him too much. Best thing is to move out asap and live your own lives

MinnieMountain · 06/03/2020 06:45

If she's being paid, it shouldn't matter why either of you is off.

MIL does our childcare. She refuses to be paid. If one of us is ill enough to be off work, she'll still take DS.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/03/2020 07:02

I wonder if your dp are pissed off with the assumption that they'll have the dc when their dd1 is available (yes, I know it isn't nice parenting when sick, but it is something most parents have to cope with). In that situation I think I'd explain someone was ill and see ifnthey were happy to still have the dc for some or all of the day.

It sounds like your dp have your dc a lot and maybe they need a break.

pinkyredrose · 06/03/2020 08:58

My mum only has the girls when we are at work Hmm is that all? How much are you paying her?

LittleMissEngineer · 06/03/2020 09:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Herocomplex · 06/03/2020 09:30

I’d say your parents aren’t happy with the arrangement in general, if someone’s sick enough to be off work they shouldn’t be expected to look after DC’s Especially if there’s paid care in place.

I’d say there’s some resentment about something, find out what or make other arrangements.

I think arrangements like yours can only work with good communication. Hope your DH gets better soon.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/03/2020 09:43

I think your parents are being unreasonable here.

I'm was off work sick yesterday and today. DD went to IL's yesterday free of charge and has gone to nursery as normal today. If I was well enough to look after her I'd be at work.

DingleberryRose · 06/03/2020 09:55

I feel sorry for your Mum, people work their whole lives, raise their own children and then have to step in and look after grandchildren.

When do they get to just enjoy their lives?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/03/2020 09:58

@DingleberryRose when they say "actually this set up isn't working for me."

Minai · 06/03/2020 09:59

If he’s ill enough to not go to work then he’s too ill to look after the children. It sounds like your mum isn’t happy providing childcare to be honest.

SoloMummy · 06/03/2020 13:10

How much is your mum being paid?