Argh! Look like my unpleasant mother in photos

[HubrisPolice]

My mother is charming, pretty, charismatic, with a lovely smile –and emotionally manipulative, profoundly dishonest, and a professional victim.

Photos of her give me the creeps, because she looks like butter wouldn't melt, and her attractiveness draws one in... while at the same time I'm thinking, "I wonder what piece of nastiness you were up to just before the camera clicked."

I've always had a very different hairstyle from her, but recently I've been brave and decided to reclaim the look.

It really suits me... buuuuuuutttttt...

...when I smile in photos, I now see the insincere, deceitful little charmer looking back at me. It's exactly how she looks when she's cruising for compliments about how saintly and delightful she is.

Anybody else have this problem? What on earth do you do about it?

I could never imagine being so publicly unpleasant about the woman who gave birth to me.
But hey, go you!

I have the same problem, without the advantage of my mother being pretty or charming. It’s getting worse as I age. When I catch myself reflected in my phone screen when it’s black, I see my mother’s miserable scowling face looking back at me

Mine died a few years ago and over the weekend I had to have ID photos taken and she was looking right back at me in them.

She wasn't too nice to me, but everyone who didn't really know her thought she was a saint, so I hate it as well

And @kabalarian, lucky you for not having the kind of awful, manipulative, martyr-like mother that makes you want to reach out to others on places like MN for reassurance.

I used to regularly grow my hair long and cut it short on a cycle. Last time I had short hair, after a few months I looked in the mirror and saw my mother. I have grown it out again since then and will never have it that style again

Not everyone has a mother that they love.

My eldest looks so much like my mum did as a child. It’s genetics and that’s what I think. The personality hasn’t been passed down.

You needn't fret for her, kabalarian, she is properly unpleasant about me or anyone else who crosses her. And unlike me, she really does do it in public, to people who know me.

I'm asking on here because I don't want to have this conversation with people who might know her.

I would love to have a mother I loved. Or at least wasn't afraid of. But there we go.

@HubrisPolice I fear this same thing happening to me. One thing I have going for me is that I'm much chubbier in the face and so it's a good excuse not to lose weight!

Hubris you've taken the good bits then: pretty, charming, nice smile, and not got her spiteful nature.

We don't always get the relatives we want or deserve, that's part of life

I feel for you but have no solution. I bleached my hair thought it looked good. Saw her and she said “oh how sweet you’ve dyed your hair to look like mine”. No longer love it!!! Sadly my mother hasn’t got the physical beauty to balance the narcissism.

@Frownette that’s such a lovely way of thinking!

OP my. Mum is JUST like yours, sadly. You are not alone. I could have written every word.

I do not look very much like her really. However she gave me certain things such as going grey early and I have now started to struggle keeping my weight down at apparently the exact same age as that happened to her. Wonderful.

I have a horrible mother but thankfully we look nothing like each other. I did however have my hair cut short a couple of years ago and caught my reflection on the drive back from the hairdressers AND SAW MY DAD .

On the up side, my Dad, for all he was an alcoholic, had a great sense of humour and actually loved me. However, it wasn't quite the look I was going for.

My brother lives abroad so don't see him much. When he last visited I hadn't seen him for c. 5 years. I opened the door and he laughed and said "You look like mum". I laughed and said "and you're fat" (we always did rib each other, a lot). I got a facelift. He's still obese.

I have had a strained relationship with my mum for a long time (she has a lot of issues). I look like her when I am sad or without emotion. It’s almost like my resting face is hers. My passport is all her. If I smile, she is gone though.

I comfort myself that I also look exactly the same as a cousin on my dads side. I got mistaken for her last year. She is very lovely, and stylish/ glamorous (I am not) so I focus on that instead!

My sister looks more like her now than she ever did and they haven’t seen each other for years...

In photos I look like my father in drag. He's an 80 year old alcoholic.

AND SAW MY DAD Them swings, them roundabouts...

Thank you for being kind, Frownette. I probably am spiteful, alas, as kabalarian has reminded me. Certainly more engaged than I'd like to be.

To this day I struggle not to be sucked in by her smile – the illusion that "beauty is virtue" is strong, and one's own mother's smile (Does she approve? Does she like me?) is more powerful even than that. So for my own protection I continually remind myself what lies behind the smile.

One day I'll reach the point where I'm so detached I'm genuinely indifferent, but not quite there yet.

to everyone else who is struggling too.

And it's definitely a smile thing.

Pics of me smiling usually seem to catch me gurning, with spinach in my teeth and wild hair. But although they're not aesthetic, at least what they communicate is real – that I'm enjoying myself with people I care about and am happy.

Whereas she will tell a bare-faced lie and then switch on the smile and beam it smugly round to silence awkward questions.

So when I see that smile, including on me, I just think "That looks fake and manipulative and a performance for an audience."

Arggh! I need to revert to the cheesy, gurning grin!

Hubris, even if you do look the same in photographs, it's what's on the inside that counts. We are remembered for who we are, how we treated other people and the impact we had on other people's lives. Photos don't capture that. Don't worry about it, enjoy your life and be the mum you never had xx

@kabalarian think yourself lucky you've not endured an abusive or difficult childhood then, or dealt with a difficult parent and all the MH effects of it-possibly do so whilst querying why you think getting knocked up having a child exalts a mother into being beyond reproach, or indeed, improves a personality . Hey ho!

OP sorry but this did make me laugh because I feel your pain. I rarely see photos of my DM who I am NC with (best decision ever made) and it is darkly humourous not to be able to escape her visage in the mirror as I age. Really adds to how inescapable she feels at times.

Be cautious in remembering that beauty and charm can just be that, she is not representative of all people, presumably her smile is the reminder of the facade she is capable of and it is so frustrating to be reminded (I find) that others don't see what I see or put up with. Being in self protection mode permanently isn't good for you though, have you tried counselling? A book on toxic maternal relationships if not? Have read a couple which shed some light if you want the details.

It'll pass hopefully OP, I'd be chuffed I inherited some good looks in a way, I missed out

I could never imagine being so publicly unpleasant about the woman who gave birth to me.But hey, go you!

I feel glad that you must have a lovely mother, some of us aren't so lucky.
Don't judge, not everyone who breeds is a nurturing person.

Ahhhh OP.

I've just my hairdresser swearing at me because I messaged to see about going dark (after months of her getting my hair a beautiful blonde)

Because I looked in the mirror and saw my mother.

It's hard, and you have my sympathy. But, and I mean this, you won't look as much like her if you stare. You'll see warmth and kindness in the shape of the lines around your mouth and eyes. I know that whilst I have the same placement of lines (at 30wtf?) Mine sit slightly differently, because I've spent more time smiling with warmth and genuine emotions than she ever did.