I feel very vulnerable

[Lifebloodhky]

Hi, not sure where else to post this and need to get it off my chest. Don't really have anyone in real life I can talk to about things.

I'm 21 and moved to a new city a few months ago. I didn't know a single person here and was moving for a very intense grad scheme, straight out of university. The work is going ok I think, I'm receiving generally positive feedback from my manager.

The problem is more my personal life. I've made some friends here, although none that are really close. I was part of a big group of friends at one point but I've had to stop hanging out with them because the guy I was seeing cheated on me with another girl in the group and I want to avoid seeing the two of them.

I was thrown off by that whole romantic situation and it made me really really upset because I liked him a lot. I keep looking at everyone else who is in a relationship and worrying that I'll never have a boyfriend. I know that may sound childish but I'm scared it will never happen and that I'll end up old and alone forever.

Feeling a bit lonely and generally down about everything lately. Sorry just needed to vent.

Just wanted to post as your the same age as my ds and my heart goes out to you you’re so young and I’m sure a bit homesick. Well done for being so brave - I’d never have done that at your age, moving alone to a new city (wish I’d had the guts) so you should be very proud of yourself.

Firstly, at 21 you should definitely NOT be worrying about being an old maid! You’re a mere babe! Seriously, listen to yourself - and don’t be in such a rush to settle down. As Ms Diana Ross wisely said “you can’t hurry love”. The boy at uni was a dick, as was your “friend”. Thankfully they are now both out of your life!

Secondly, I have no idea where you are but there must be clubs, singles evenings, social activities you can join? This would be the angle I’d take in order to meet new people in the area.

It’s still all new to you, give it time but explore ways of meeting people. You have your whole life ahead of you and it sounds like you have an exciting future ahead. Good luck.

You’re very young and you have an exciting future ahead of you. You are still very hurt by what happened but that’s ok. See it for what it is; an experience, part of life’s journey. Now concentrate on you.

You're so young. Your life is just starting. Dont catastrophise!

Are you deciding whether to stay or move back home/to your hometown? How long has it been since you split up with your boyfriend?

Be kind to yourself, you've been through a trauma. Yes everything is relative, but it doesn't matter that someone else "has it worse" when you're struggling. You don't have to make a decision now, maybe think it over for a few weeks.

Things sound like they're going well at work so can you throw yourself into that? Are there any people at work you can chat to? There are also websites where you can meet friends etc, but obviously be cautious with that and meet in public a few times first, due to being in a new town.

Please don't feel like you're on the shelf, I could have written your post just under 10 years ago and am now happy with my little family. Thinks aren't perfect but they're pretty good and I felt so alone and at sea at the time. Big love x

It’s scary to feel you have to start all over in a new place. It’s a normal feeling.

But remember that at the end of the day, you always have YOU. Learn to appreciate your own company, be your own best friend, know you are strong enough to handle many difficulties by yourself, be kind to yourself and not judgemental.

If you got a strong sense of this, it will help you get trough hard times and give you inner peace.

When I was exactly your age I had just come out of a long term relationship with my teenage sweetheart.

I didn’t know what it was like to be single. My first proper boyfriend and I became joined at the hip for 6 years and when that started to fall apart I was terrified because I didn’t know how to function as anything other than part of a couple.

I stayed in that relationship a good two years longer than I really should have, purely because of the fear of being alone. Now, looking back, I realise how completely ridiculous it was to be thinking like that at only 21. It makes me want to laugh out loud when I think about it!

Anyway, we did break up eventually (my decision) and I had three years or so of being very happily single with lots of fun, dating, FWBs and a few short term boyfriends here and there. I certainly made up for lost time, but there was always a nagging fear at the back of my mind that I might have missed my only chance to be with someone who wanted to marry me.

Then I met my DH and going headlong into a serious relationship seemed like the most natural thing in the world. It just felt right for both of us from the very beginning. That was nearly thirty years ago and we are still together. My youngest child is the age I was when I had those fears about ‘what if I never find someone else?’ and when I look it him it seems insane that anyone would ever think that way at such a young age with their whole lives ahead of them.

You will understand this too, one day!

I know that may sound childish but I'm scared it will never happen and that I'll end up old and alone forever.

I don’t think this sounds childish at all. I think it’s something a lot of young women feel. I know I certainly did.
I was with my first boyfriend on and off for six years. When we finally broke up for good I was convinced I would never be with anyone else.

And I am now married. With a child. In a different country!

What happened to you was shit, especially when you’re in a new city and just establishing new friends. But you’re obviously stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for!

@FieldOfFlameAndHeather - I could have written your first three paragraphs word for word!!

Thank you all so much, you're very kind. Im just worried because I think I'm starting to relapse into my eating disorder with all the stress of everything. I suppose I just need to remind myself that I'm strong enough to do this

Very sorry and understandable. It is a lot of changes, not all positive.

It may be worth trying to find a hobby, work hours permitting, to take your mind off but also to meet a new set of people. You can hobby-hop a bit until you find one you like or an atmosphere you like.